Hard To Explain It

Most of the time, I'm not aware of how I'm coming across.
Too busy just being myself to see anything anyone sees in me.

It feels like sometimes people see things in me
and try to compete with me and I don't know why.

As though something about me makes them feel a type of way.
Often, it's something they see about me
that I'm not trying to broadcast about myself or whatever.
Hard to explain...

But when that happens, it kind of catches me off guard
because I wasn't expecting that, for one, 
and I wasn't doing anything, just being myself. 
And what am I supposed to do? 
Not be who I am because someone doesn't like me?
Or something specific about me?

Mostly they don't like something about someone
because it highlights their inadequacies somehow.
They don't like it, but that's not my fault
or even something that I can help about myself.
OR SOMETHING I HAVE TO CHANGE
BECAUSE IT MAKES SOMEONE FEEL
SOME TYPE OF WAY ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I have compared myself to other people.
I have my own inadequacies and insecurities.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO PROJECT MINE
ON SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF.

I could, but let me tell you what happens when someone does that.
THEY DON'T LEARN HOW NOT TO DO IT
AND WHY IT ISN'T NECESSARY TO DO IT.

When people feel the 'need' to do something they don't actually need to do
they aren't learning why they don't need to do it.

Everyone's uniquely themselves. 

But the more I get 'in touch' with myself
it doesn't bother me what everyone else is doing.

It feels a whole lot better. Can't describe how it feels.
Compared to how I used to feel, though, there's a big difference.

"If you don't go within, you go without."

I went without a lot of things, for a long time, 
but because of that, of all that I was missing on the inside...
I was just looking for external validation stuff.
Not internal validation. 

But some people don't ever look within. 
They don't reflect on themselves. At all. 
If I never reflected, I wouldn't have learned anything.
If I hadn't learned those things, I wouldn't have made changes.

I'd still be feeling and thinking and being the way I used to be.
Because, to reflect on those things, those things have to be thought about.
But not just surface level thoughts. Deeper.

That's one thing I miss about those conversations I was having...
That I miss having... With the person I miss...

Those conversations were deep, meaningful, insightful, and impactful.
They were a gift, to me. So was he.

Anyway... That doesn't just come around every day.
You can't just find that everywhere.

And I was the one who f*cked that up.
Not to throw myself a pity party over it, I'm just acknowledging it.
It's okay to admit when you f*cked up.
It's not the end of the world to admit it.
It's healthy to admit it.
You could deny it, but that doesn't change anything.

But being focused on the wrong things doesn't change anything, either.
Speaking from years of focusing on the wrong things.
It was only holding myself back from other things.
So many other things.
Things I couldn't see for refusing to see some other things.

It's kind of like there are different forms of denial.
And different forms of acceptance.
Not sure how to put that into words... 

But I've had females trying to 'come at me' before.
If you're not mature enough to control those 'urges'
don't bother trying it with me. Just don't.
I've told the last one not to play with me, either.

See me coming at her? I could have, but did I?
Why would I? What purpose would that serve?

To make myself seem better or feel better?
It's gross. Just as gross as arrogance.
Maybe it's gross because it's arrogant to do that.

Coming at someone
is about feeling better than the person you're coming at.
Otherwise, why do that?

And if it's not a competition, why compete?

Here's a story I haven't told let alone on here.
In the 5th grade, there was a 'cool' girl I wanted to be like.
I even did my hair like hers.

Then I realized what kind of person she is.
She was the one who was trying to embarrass me that time...
She asked me something to try to embarrass me about it.
In front of a bunch of people. I knew what she was trying to do. 
Partly because the way she asked me...

I asked HER: "Does it matter?" The answer to her question.
She said "no." Hoping I'd fall into her trap. 
So I asked: "If it doesn't matter, why are you asking me?"
And she couldn't say the reason was to try to embarrass me about it.

But that was the year I wondered why I ever wanted to be like her.
And when that happened... I felt lightyears away from who I was
WHEN I WANTED TO BE LIKE HER.

But that feeling, feeling lightyears away from where I was...
That kept going. About other things.
When I look back on where I was before... 
That feeling comes back. It's a weird feeling. 

It's weird because you spent so much time 'stuck'
then you're catapulted to another side of it, 
but it feels weird because you never felt like that before.

And feels even weirder when you don't know how
to feel anything other than weird about it.

It felt very weird. A lot of things this year felt weird.
And the last few years.

It's been rough, not going to lie.
But if I never went through any of that?
How would I know how it felt?
NOT THAT I WANT ANYONE TO FEEL THAT WAY.
IT WAS REALLY ROUGH GOING THROUGH THAT.

All the things that I can't get into on here.
It's too hard to explain even if I wanted to.

But those times of "why did I ever...???"
Why did I want this? Why did I want that?
Why did I do this? Why did I do that?
Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that?

Why did I want to be like HER?
Why did I want to be with HIM?

All kinds of questions that only I have the answers for.
And if I don't have them, yet, only I can get them.

That's the point of going within, to REALIZE WHY.
So that it brings you to a new understanding about yourself. 
And through that understanding, you understand much more.

Then you realize. Fk the people we wanted to be like.
And even fk the ones we thought we wanted to be with...
Especially when they are about the shady crap...

Why did I want what I wanted for so long?
Was it because 'having' that meant something about me?
And 'not having' that meant something about me?
Was anything about it about me? Probably.
So what exactly about that was about me?

When you can look THAT deep into something...
That's when you can get something deep OUT of it.
That's the point of reflecting.
To get the gems out of it. The gems that will help you.


The draining feeling... Spiritually drained... 
That still keeps happening. 
Some days are better than others. 
But when someone intentionally does it...
And they think you don't know that they're doing it...
But what they don't know is that anything SENT
can be SENT BACK.

They think it's funny when they try it, 
but when they have to deal with what they tried sending your way...
Not so funny.

That's not why I don't do it. 
I know better than to mess with that, for one.

Most people don't believe in it.
I've seen enough and experienced enough...
I know there's something to things we can't see or explain.
It's not wise to just dismiss something as nothing
when it actually is something.

But not wise to send it to someone at all
let alone someone who didn't do anything to you.

For most of my life, I've felt 'different' than most.
It's easy for anyone to say that, I know.

The energy stuff, I didn't know what it was.
There was nobody to even talk about it who understood. 
I did talk to my grandmother about it, sometimes.

Like that day I had a name stuck in my head and it was bothering me. 
Because it was so persistent...
So I told my grandmother about it.

The name was actually the name of a kid who used to live
at my grandparents' house before they moved there.

My grandparents had moved to THAT house from across the street.
So they knew the family who lived there before they bought it.

Of all the names... And this kid lived there before I was born.
I had no way of knowing his name or that he lived there.
Nobody had mentioned him to me. 

But it started as far as back then...
Maybe even further back but I didn't realize or understand it.

I didn't back then, either. It was just a lot of persistent things
that came to my mind that I couldn't shake.

But feelings I got, too, just I couldn't translate it.
I'm still learning how to translate it.
It's a lot harder than it seems.
Probably because the way some things seem
compared to how they are
and then me thinking 'naw, can't be like THAT.'

Because I don't want it to be like THAT.
1) It's too fkn weird
2) What's weird doesn't feel comfortable or even sane...

But when you have a bunch of these weird things
and you know you're not 'crazy'
but you don't have anyone to talk to about it
because 1) it's hard to explain what you're talking about
2) it's just as hard or harder to explain what it feels like...

Then keep that to yourself for years and years...
But there are good reasons to keep that to yourself. 
Because it's immensely helpful. 
And when people know they can 1) judge you about it.
2) try to use it against you somehow.


That's kind of like the witch trials. 
Because it's not a NEW thing. This is ANCIENT.
Back then, they knew all about it.
They just lumped it into everyone SPIRITUAL were witches.
ANYONE who had any of these GIFTS was deemed EVIL.
AND hence these gifts were STILL IN BLOODLINES...
But so much of it got LOST because they got k!lled.

But, it didn't die out. It didn't 'get rid' of it.
And yes, it can be used for evil, but that's not what it was intended for.

It's a bit of a responsibility to use it for the right reasons.
I don't have it in me to use it for anything to harm someone.

It helped me in those situations...
The time those two dudes were trying to grab me off the street.
The time that dude who gave me a lift tried to touch me.
The energy was WAYYYY OFF.
When I feel that, I get 'gut feelings' to protect myself.

The 'feelings' give me 'info' to 'act on.'
I don't know how else to put it.

But it's energetic. It's energy.
The feelings are energy, the 'info' I get is energy
and the "push" to act on it is energy.

I still think of the time I 'connected' to the guy's 'ghost'
that was lingering in the basement of that house. 
I knew there was 'something' near the furnace. 
I don't know why, or how, but I could "feel" it.

So I asked it. I was like: "If you're here and want to tell me something, 
I'll try to 'hear' you."
And it wasn't really a 'voice.' But definitely an energy.
And I could 'hear' it in my mind. Hard to explain it. 

But the confirmation I got about it, after that, just randomly...
That sealed it, for me. Not only did it seal it, it blew me away.

The energy was a person who got sh0t in the head, in the driveway
Of that house where that energy was. I don't know if it's stuck there.
I didn't figure out that part.
Maybe what it needed was the acknowledgement.
Years of being there, just there, with no way to communicate
and nobody to actually communicate with...

But at the same time, there are energies that aren't "good."
Things that want and need the acknowledgement for FUEL.
That feed off intense energy like anger and fear.

There was an energy at my grandparents' old house.
It wasn't necessarily 'bad' but I don't think it was 'good.'
Whenever I was there, by myself... I had to stay in one part of the house. 
It was the addition to the original house.
As though whatever it was couldn't 'do' anything to me
because technically I wasn't in the 'house.'
And I always kept the basement door closed when I was by myself. 

I had my room in the basement for a while. 
Actually, my first home was that house and my crib was in the basement.

And that's the time I actually, sort of, saw it.
I saw the door open, and close
like someone had walked through a doorway
and closed the door behind them.

There was no wind, it was the basement. 
The knob had to have TURNED to open and to close
because of the latch on the inside of the door. 

I told my grandmother and she told me that the closet...
It used to be the entrance to the wine cellar.

I guess when my grandparents bought the house, 
that was a doorway that got made into a closet. 
And then it got made into a separate room. 
The laundry room with the furnace and the wine cellar.

I heard a story, but I don't know if it's true. 
My mother knows more about the history of the house than me. 
She also had her own experiences there.
And she was also creeped out by the basement.

The story was that the guy who lived there...
He had to go to the hospital and when he got out,
his wife and family had left him with next to nothing.
Supposedly he did himself in - in the wine cellar.

I don't know if there's any weight to that story. 
I haven't found any info about the family who lived there.

I don't even remember the name of the kid, 
the name that was so damn persistent for a few days.

I remember the surname, but I doubt that'd be much to go on.

Now another family lives there. Also, I think part of the house
is actually used as a yoga studio or whatever.

I go by there from time to time. Trip down memory lane.
Last time I went to the neighborhood, I saw a lady...
I was remarking about how the neighborhood has changed so much.
A lot of 'modern' style homes etc.
I said my grandparents used to live there and they asked me who
my grandparents were and she remembered my mom when she was young.
Asked me if I was my mother's daughter.

It's kind of cool when someone knows who you are, 
but they don't "know" who you are.
Who remembers your grandparents and your mother.

I didn't go there to see any neighbors. Maybe some still live there.
The family who lived across the street still lives there.

I just like the area. I always have. It's 'comfortable' because of the familiarity. 
And spent a big chunk of my life, there.

My young years, my teen years... 
Then my grandmother got a place near my Aunt. A condo. 
It happened that I got a place near her, too. 
I didn't stay there long, a couple years, maybe. 

I wish I had stayed with my Grandmother longer. 
I wish I had spent even more time with her than I did. 
We had some special memories, though. 

What bugged me was I was going to take my Grandmother to Niagara Falls.
Just a trip for her and I. My mother told my Aunt.
My Aunt decided to take her BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO.

That kind of happened with my cousin, once. 
I'd kept in touch with my grandmother's sisters who lived in Niagara.
That's where my grandmother was from. 
She met my grandfather in the army. 

So my great-aunts kind of knew me because I sent letters.
And I'd visited before, but I'd let them know I was coming. 

My cousin didn't have anything to do with them. 
My great-aunt, didn't know who my cousin was.
Plus, she didn't write to let her know she was coming. 
So my great-aunt didn't know who she was.

She was telling me when I went to see her once. 
So I had to explain who my cousin is, her mother, my aunt. 

It's like "Hey, never had anything to do with you, but here I am..."
I didn't write all the time, but I kept in contact enough
that my great-aunt knew who I was because I wrote her letters.
And when I went to see her,
I brought her a picture of my grandmother in a frame.
She recognized my grandmother immediately
so I was like "Yeah! She's my grandmother!"

But I got to keep in touch with my mother's cousins, 
and that side of the family. 
Never really got to know my father's side of the family. 
I tried keeping in touch with them, 
BUT HIS OWN PARENTS TOLD ME NOT TO CALL ANYMORE.

Did that hurt? Yeah, it did.
When my father's mother died, nobody told me.
When my father's brother died, nobody told me.

It was like not only did my father die, 
but his family disowned me.
They did, before that, when my parents broke up, 
but at least I had some time between the ages 6 and 10.

This part is kind of emotional, it came to mind so I'm going to write it.
There are a couple of songs that we'd just sit in his truck and listen to...

I can't remember the name of the song, but it was 'our' song.
"I wasn't there that morning, when my father passed away...
I didn't get to tell him all the things I had to say..."
"It's too late when we die to admit we don't see eye to eye..."
(If you know the name of that one, feel free to drop the name of it in the comments).

The other song that hit me hard was "tears in heaven."
I had to sing that song with my class for the 'graduation' party, 6th grade.
That hit hard because he died that year, months prior.
and it was painfully clear he wasn't there, to see me sing the damn song.
Not that he was there to see me sing any song. 
Except 'our' song. But the lyrics mean something else to me, now.

Welp, I stayed up all night, again. Not hard to do that.
Hard to sleep most of the time.