After a lot of things, it kind of strengthens
WHY I AM ALONE.
Better than feeling alone amongst other people...
Being completely alone.
Reading back to when I used to write stuff like
"I'm lonely." I don't feel that anymore.
After trusting people who weren't worthy of my trust...
I wish I could just forget everything.
But do you know how hard it is?
All the BS I went through
because of things that I didn't have 100% control over?
People who do things or say things
like the cops who were here.
Knowing why they were here.
But the cops being ONE example.
The pharmacy being another example.
Doctors I've dealt with.
Teachers I've dealt with.
Social workers I've dealt with.
All kinds of things. Some of it I wrote on here
to vent about it.
And while I vent, I'm not going to say I did nothing wrong.
I won't say that there weren't times I lost my patience,
but in so many circumstances, people who didn't have to
and chose to treat me the way they did,
the way they wouldn't want to be treated...
I feel like they only do that to provoke a reaction.
Just to "verify" their assumptions about me.
This has been going on for a long time.
And whenever I said anything about it,
it was spun back onto me, somehow.
Because I can't ever speak out about
what they do or say,
but everything I say is used against me,
when it's not to do with me, even.
That's what bothers me the most.
Like times I've been interrupted to tell me
not to interrupt her
like only she was allowed to say whatever
and I had to listen, while she wasn't.
And the reason why is because of prejudice.
As an example, I told my son to go to his room.
He wasn't listening to me when I asked him not to do something.
While he was in there, he picked up a bottle of spray stuff
I had been using in his room
but forgot I had left in his room.
So what I did back then is sent him to his room
and we'd have a talk about why I sent him to his room
to help him understand why.
Most of the time was just anger that I'd sent him to his room,
and just not listening to me, in general.
Because he didn't like me for sending him to his room.
Among other things that a lot of parents do.
I know my parents were a lot more harsh than I was.
Anyway, on this day that I had sent him to his room,
he got the spray and sprayed it in his mouth
saying that he was going to die, anyway.
So of course I'm freaking out and called poison control.
Got him to the hospital
and they wouldn't let me in the same room as my kid.
Because they thought I'd done something to him.
When all I did was send him to his room.
Like people automatically assume all kinds of sh*t.
While not understanding the entire situation,
and those who played huge roles in this,
who never listened to my side of anything...
AND YET DID I DO ANYTHING CRAZY TO RETALIATE?
Wouldn't you expect some kind of retaliation
from someone as 'unhinged' as I supposedly am?
Or have I actually shown a lot of restraint?
I have plenty of reasons to be seething,
from dusk to dawn.
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST BE ABOUT THE SUBJECT?
Like how every time I show any "upsetness"
about a lot of totally unfair BS
and how they would treat others differently
than how I got treated.
HOW EACH TIME...
It's supposedly because of something else.
Like "Maybe she was drinking."
"Maybe she doesn't understand 'the law.'"
"Maybe she didn't take her medication."
"Maybe she's just mentally ill."
INSTEAD OF WHAT I'M UPSET ABOUT.
Do they do it to try to get me to stop saying anything
about what I'm upset about?
So they 'don't have to' address anything
about how they are being towards me?
How a lot of sh*t, that happened, to my face,
was unjust, but seemingly justified
BY THEIR ASSUMPTIONS
AND THEIR "POWER" to make assumptions
and justify how they act towards me
because of what they think about me.
Just because we think things, doesn't make them true.
But it bothers me to be spoken to that way.
By people who ought to know better than to do it.
And they do know it because they don't do it to anyone else.
And they wouldn't want it done to them.
So why would they even bother
when it's not conducive? An ego boost?
What do they get out of it?
All the times people have tried to humiliate me.
Assumed things and lied about me.
And what could I do? Deny their allegations
Like they already expect me to do,
whether or not they are true or false.
So what do you do in that situation?
Like the officer who asked me if I'd been drinking.
You deny it, because in my case, I've been sober for 10 years,
but to get looked at like "she must have been drunk."
"She's just a drunk." WTF.
Seriously feels like being gaslit.
The political speeches I've been seeing,
Trudeau accuses people of what he's doing.
That's gaslighting at its finest.
Accusing people of doing or being
whatever you are doing or being.
Then they deny it, because they aren't doing it.
"Just like we thought."
Like my claiming I wasn't drinking
somehow confirmed their suspicions that I was.
EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T.
They know they wouldn't want this crap done to them.
So why does it come as a surprise when I don't?
Because I can't just pick and choose what to be upset about?
So when I am showing I do care, I get resentment and rejection
but when I don't, I'm a cold-hearted b*tch
or "just mentally ill"
or "just drunk"
Or whatever else they want to think about me.
But can you kind of see how it feels like a trap
to either set me up to fail
or to make me seem a certain way.
to excuse them from what they do or say.
Where I can't do or say anything about it
because when I do, I'm the problem.
Can you see how frustrating that is? All your life?
Something I'm not supposed to be upset about, though.
Because it's like I'm the one who has the audacity
for feeling the way I feel about certain things.
Things that shouldn't be happening.
If it happened to him he'd be "livid."
But if I show that I am, I'm supposedly out of control
when I know better than completely losing my sh*t.
Because then they WOULD say I'm crazy.
Even though they already say that
WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
Like in all things considered...
I told someone once, about a few things in my past
and he thought I should be WAY MORE f*cked up.
"I don't get how you are the way you are." He said.
Because with all the things that happened to me...
THAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT
Some people seem to think
that I should be WAY MORE f*cked up
because they think that anyone who went through those things
PROBABLY WOULD BE
Except I know that none of what happened to me
JUST GIVES ME A FREE PASS
TO JUST BE AS F*CKED UP AS ANYONE EXPECTS ME TO BE
OR ASSUMES THAT I AM, ETC.
IT DOESN'T.
NOR DOES IT MEAN ANYONE ELSE GETS A PASS.
Just because they have a hard job,
or whatever else happened to them in the past.
I've had a pretty sh*tty past.
Also, I wasn't a perfect person.
But I could just say:
I'm going to be the product of my environment,
or... I can NOT let ANY of that determine who I am,
or who I want to be.
I could easily say "this happened to me, it f*cked me up."
So now that "I'm f*cked up, I'll just do f*cked up things."
ANYONE could easily say that.
BUT IT'S NOT ANY EXCUSE TO DO F*CKED UP THINGS.
What's wrong is wrong
and things that are f*cked up, are wrong.
JUST AS WRONG AS TRYING TO USE ANYTHING
AS AN EXCUSE TO DO SOMETHING.
Because I could use certain things as "reasons" to do all kinds of things.
But those reasons would just be excuses
to excuse myself from doing it?
Like "Excuse me, let me just do this
because I FEEL justified in doing it
BECAUSE such and such and such
HAPPENED TO ME."
I was so angry many times I wanted to get revenge.
MANY TIMES,
BUT WHAT WOULD THAT ACCOMPLISH?
WOULD THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?
WOULD THAT MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON?
What it would have done is that "confirmation" thing.
It would "solidify" their "thoughts" being "true."
Because it would make me SEEM LIKE
I'M OUT OF CONTROL.
JUST LIKE THEY THINK I AM.
So if I'm so 'out of control'
WHY AM I BLOGGING RIGHT NOW?
WHY WOULDN'T I BEING DOING CRAZY THINGS
THAT OTHERS EXPECT ME TO DO
TO SOLIDIFY THEIR THOUGHTS
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I'M F*CKED UP
AND NOTHING LESS?
So why does being alone seem more and more appealing?
Imagine speaking your truth
and people around you refuse to even acknowledge it
and when they do,
they make it about how "f*cked up"
they think I am or should be
AFTER GOING THROUGH THE THINGS THAT I DID.
And even after all of that,
they judge my responses to everything.
Because if I react the way others would,
they assume it's fake or that I'm pretending.
And when I'm not showing emotions
to be held against me,
not showing them is held against me.
Because they just automatically react.
And showing their emotions isn't judged.
They can express their feelings freely.
Without anyone trying to make them "seem" crazy
for saying how you feel, even.
Never mind sharing your feelings,
in any other way of expressing it.
Why I don't cry as much anymore...
"You're crying for no reason."
"Crying about it won't change anything."
So I just resort to writing about it.
(Not that it matters).
It's just frustrating and exhausting.
Sometimes it feels like I'm speaking another language
than everyone else so they don't get what I'm saying.
Or they'd believe it if it comes from someone else.
And everything I say, I'm insinuating things.
It could even be if the world was going to end
and I had all kinds of knowledge about it.
"She's crazy, drinking again, not taking her medication etc"
OR I'd be insinuating that I had the knowledge that I had
And by me insinuating that,
I'd also be insinuating that people who didn't know,
didn't know
BUT it would just all be insinuations.
All the assumptions made about me insinuate all kinds of things.
So just because of ininuations I'm done the way I'm done,
but I can't say anything without it being
ME INSINATING THINGS.
That is why most people don't listen.
Because once it's an insinuation,
that insinuation becomes more insinuations.
BUT WHAT GETS ME IS I COULD BE
VERY LITERAL ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT IS VERY LITERAL
AND IT'D STILL BE AN INSINUATION.
I bet you can understand how frustrating that is.
When even there are times liars were taken seriously.
I was listening to a case today.
There was a woman from a country
where their holy book is extremely sacred.
She was at a temple and someone lied about her
saying she did something she didn't do and would never do.
The guy who lied wanted the chaos to ensue.
She was publically and brutally attacked.
Caused her death.
It goes to show that all kinds of people
will jump onto a lie and do things over a lie.
Even their own lies.
While some of us can TELL THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH
AND BE PUNISHED LIKE WE ARE LYING.
I'm about to write something personal,
but it's about lying.
I was always told to tell the truth,
except for making up stories as excuses for some things.
Like "tell everyone you fell" type of stuff.
Anyway, I used to get hit, a lot.
By my brothers' father...
Who I thought was my father until I met mine.
(Just because you think it, doesn't make it true).
This is pretty personal...
He'd threaten to hit me unless I told "the truth."
And the TRUTH was that I didn't know.
BUT HE WAS CONVINCED I DID KNOW
AND THAT I WASN'T TELLING HIM.
SO WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW
HE'D HIT ME.
So I ended making up a bunch of crap
to make him stop.
And to make him think I told him "the truth"
WHICH I DID WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW.
This happened with my stepfather once, too.
He was accusing my mother of having a guy over
when he was at work.
My mother wouldn't.
Anyway, there were a pair of sunglasses.
I don't know where they came from.
Neither did he, but they insinuated something to him.
And he was getting mad that there was no "answer"
as to who they belonged to...
None of us knew.
SO I LIED AND SAID THEY WERE MINE.
AND TOLD HIM HE COULD HAVE THEM IF HE WANTED TO.
JUST TO GET HIM TO CALM DOWN
ABOUT WHERE THEY CAME FROM
WHO THEY BELONGED TO
AND WHATEVER THEIR EXISTENCE
SEEMED TO INSINUATE.
He would have gone on and on about it.
For hours or days, who knows?
On things like that, yes, I have lied,
but on serious things, I wouldn't lie.
Just to get someone in trouble or anything like that.
Even though I wanted revenge badly, I still couldn't go
as far on anything to lie about a bunch of people
or a bunch of things.
Even though it was done to me.
It was programmed into me not to do that.
Not to do a lot of things.
You'd think others would think like that, but do they?
No comments:
Post a Comment