New Projects

 Been keeping myself busy with projects. 
I might have a new client so we'll see how that goes.
We were talking and he asked me what I do.
"Website stuff." Not professionally. 
Coding's been a bit of a hobby.

Just hard to find someone who actually wants my services. 

There was a lady who was looking for help cleaning. 
I took the bus to Gatineau and then helped her for a few hours. 
She paid me and I thought it would be weekly or bi-weekly. 
Then she called me and told me that someone came to help her.
That she wouldn't need me. 

The thing is that I don't mind helping people. 
IF they actually want my help...

I was kind of counting on the extra money coming in, 
but I guess it wasn't meant to be. 

So now I kind of get skeptical when people talk about
working with me. 

There was a guy who wanted a website for his business.
I needed the money pretty badly and offered to help. 

I build all my websites with WordPress and he wanted to use Wix. 

Here's the thing with those website builders...
They don't work as well as Elementor does. They just don't. 

Before I got into WordPress, I didn't like it. 
Then I realized I could actually do what I wanted to do
within WordPress via Elementor. 
Because it has an HTML widget thing. 
Also there's another plugin that works with Elementor
that allows me to do custom CSS stuff and I love it now. 

Anyway, Wix was really frustrating me. 
And the guy was really frustrating me. 
He was saying "what's there to learn?!"
It's a SOFTWARE. Different softwares work differently. 

If he'd just gone with WordPress, I would have had it done in a few days. 
But I literally spent like a week trying to figure out how to do
what I already know how to do (with WordPress) with Wix...

Then he said to forget it and that was that.

So obviously that didn't work out. 

This guy seems to be motivated and wants to meet this weekend. 
So we'll see how well we can work together. 
And for how long it lasts, or whatever. 

My hope is that it's nothing too complicated.
And that we can actually work together.
And actually accomplish something. 

The money would be nice, but I feel like I can't count on it. 
Maybe because of prior deals that didn't end up happening. 

It was kind of like "I got a potential client without trying!"
I showed him one of my projects. 

Anyway, like I say... I can't even allow myself 
to really get excited about it because there's a history
of people being flaky with me. 

Also, not listening.

I guess they want to do everything their way, 
but they don't know what they are doing when it comes to web stuff. 

If he wants something that requires programming,
that's beyond my scope. 

But he seems to want a site he can put his own videos on
and he wants to write a book and publish it. 

So I think he was asking for help with typing and editing.
And then a webpage where he can sell his book.
Which I can do. 

It's just been a history of people saying they want to do something
and thinking they know what they are doing
and wanting me to do it their way
without even listening to the possibilities
and them thinking I don't know what I'm doing.

And them passing up the opportunity.

And of course I have to be okay with that.
Just say, "fine, have it your way."
When they've already judged me based on their own thoughts. 
Which is pretty frustrating for me. 
It seems to happen, a lot.

So I'm more of a 'wait and see' girl
because I'm half expecting them to change their mind.
Maybe it's for me to just accept how it goes. Either way. 

I can't be angry about it. 
It's just that when it's an opportunity for ME, 
and I'm supposed to be rewarded for my contribution
and the work that I'm already willing to do...
Already sacrificing my time, 
(not that I have much going on in my life)...

I guess it's a learning thing like other things. 
Acceptance, letting people go their way.
No matter what they think about my abilities (that they don't get to see).

For once, I would like to work with someone
who has the same work ethics that I do.
Someone I can work WITH.

It reminds me of these two guys I met online
that were business partners. 
They brought me and another lady into their 'team.'
They weren't happy with the work she was doing.

They unceremoniously dropped her. 
Then I bailed on them because of HOW they dropped her. 
It was no longer worth it to me at that point.

One of them reached out to me after that and I didn't respond. 
I think I sent him a gif or something like that, 
but I didn't get to work with them. 

At the time, I was excited to be on a TEAM. 
But they were in it for themselves. 
Which makes me think...
And wonder....

So now the projects I do are mostly for myself. 
If someone wants to PAY me to do some work, cool.

BUT DON'T PROMISE ME A PAYING GIG
If you don't actually want to work with me. 
ON ANYTHING. 

I do care and I will help, 
but don't take that lightly, ever. 

This is why I want to be excited about it, 
but at the same time:
"Is this going to turn out like all the other things I was excited about?"

All the things that don't work out
are kind of making way for other things
whether THOSE things work out, or not. 

And I guess that's the way it goes. 

The laws of averages says that something has to work out eventually, right?
If only I knew how to make that work in my favor...

He gave me a small down payment.
So I am guessing he's actually being serious. 
We'll see.

If all goes well, maybe I might get some more work. 
If he's happy with my work and tells his friends. 

I've gotten some gigs before by word of mouth. 

But mostly, I'm working on my own projects. 
I started a new blog, not on blogger. 
It's for affiliate marketing.

There are a few in the pipeline. 
Bridge pages that have links to the affiliate offers. 

The biggest projects are ones I haven't started yet. 
They require programming. Not my forte. 

There are a couple of sites I've been looking at
as inspirations. It inspired me. 

That's how I got into coding. 
There's a site that I use and I wanted to make a site like that, 
until I realized all the programming stuff is pretty 'over my head.'

But I have a bunch of ideas about things I want to do. 

Just don't have the people who know how to do those things....

One time, I met a guy at some tech funding thing. 
I was interested in what he was doing, in his company. 
I wasn't interested in him. 

I ended up taking his contact info. 
Then I talked with him about some of the things he wanted to do. 

At that time, I had contact info of other people
who might be able to help him further...
So I introduced him to those people...

And when he said thank you to me for introducing him, 
he was saying something along the lines
that he wasn't looking for anything romantic with me...
And I realized he thought that I introduced him
to try to get something from him. 
(To get into his pants???)

Like I saw this successful guy with money
and wanted to throw myself at him or something....
LIKE GIVE ME A FKN BREAK!!!

It's like you can't help anyone anymore
without them thinking you want something from them.

The only thing I actually wanted...
READY FOR THIS???

I WANTED TO LEARN THE TECH STUFF.
The whole reason I was there was because that stuff interests me. 
Go figure. 

No. All that stuff doesn't actually impress me. 
Teach me something. Work with me. 
Show me things and that I can do things. 

It does bother me when people get the wrong idea about me.
But literally can't do much about that. 

I was pretty disappointed, but when it comes down to it...
If I introduced people that wouldn't have met otherwise
and it works out well between them, then I did what I was supposed to do. 

It just gets disheartening when people who don't know you
have some sort of idea or thoughts about you
and instead of actually finding out if they were wrong about you, 
they assume that their assumptions are right
and use other assumptions to validate their assumptions
AND use those assumptions to JUDGE YOU...

THAT GETS OLD. FAST.
NOT DOWN WITH THAT.

It's just that I need to get better at seeing that happening. 
So I know where, how, when to cut my losses. 
Because I already know why. 

But I can't assume everyone is going to be the same way. 

I have to also learn to make way for pleasant surprises.
Like "If this works out, it could bring me some money."

The tech guy didn't realize I'm about the business opportunities. 
TO HELL WITH TRYING TO GET INTO ANYONE'S PANTS!!!!
I DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR THAT.

LOOK AT THE TIMES I WANTED SOMETHING ROMANTIC...
LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT...

If I ever find myself wanting anything romantic, 
they better be willing and ready to DO THE WORK.

WHETHER WE ARE WORKING TOGETHER ON PROJECTS
(WHICH WOULD BE MY IDEAL PARTNER)
OR JUST WORKING ON BUILDING A STEADY FOUNDATION
FOR SOMETHING STABLE AND LONG LASTING. 

BECAUSE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I HAVE TIME FOR.
Other than that, I have my projects and my interests
and that's enough for me.

I don't even know what I hope to gain from any of it. 
Because it might not take off. Who knows?
Only one way to find out.

Maybe tech guy thought he had to shut me down
IN CASE I WANTED IN HIS PANTS.
NO, SWEETHEART. I DIDN'T AND I DON'T.
BUT THANKS FOR THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE.

Why can't people just have an idea to hook people up
who might be able to help each other out?

Like if I were him, I would be appreciative
that someone took the initiative to introduce me
to someone who might have given me a huge contract.

WITHOUT EVEN WANTING ANYTHING IN RETURN.


All I actually wanted was a tour of his business
and maybe he could teach me some tech stuff. 
That's literally it. That's all.

Anyway, hope tech guy got a contract out of the deal. 
At least what I was envisioning for him was pretty big. 

The stuff he was doing were those interactive kiosks
like at malls and stuff. 

I introduced him to someone who worked at the hospital.
I was envisioning him designing some interactive things
for the children's hospital. 

Maybe he got to do that. I don't know. 
After his 'just in case' thing I didn't talk to him again.
I can still wish him well. 
Maybe he shouldn't assume things about people.

I guess it still disappointed me because I had some hopes, 
but it definitely was not to try to have anything 'romantic'
with that guy. 

I just had an idea to introduce him and they could talk
and maybe they would introduce him to other people etc.

So why couldn't I just do that without him thinking I wanted 'more'?

Someone told me:
"I'm not used to people being nice because they want to be.
When I know what they want I know why they are being nice..."

It also makes me question people's motives, 
but I guess not as often or regularly that people question mine.
Hard to question motives that I don't have.

My agenda: Get a bunch of stuff done.
Hopefully get rewarded for getting that stuff done...
Hopefully with others who also want to get stuff done. 
Hopefully learn stuff... That I can use in other areas of life... 

That's pretty much it.

I'm not one of those:
"Be nice to them to get what I want..."

Because that's fake sh*t. 
If I don't want people being fake to me, 
why would I be fake to them?

Just bugs me when I'm being REAL
and get treated like I'm being FAKE.
When others are being FAKE
and get treated like they are being REAL. 

That's one thing that really gets under my skin. 

"Why is she being nice? What does she want?"
Maybe to just be myself...

At least I can sleep better knowing
that my reason for introducing them was legit. 
That the whole interaction (from my end) was legit. 

It's also like when I was seeing someone
and his jealous possessive ex had to come between him and I.
She only wanted him back
because she doesn't want him to move on...

She knows all the cards to play
because she's been using him for years.
Cheated on him numerous times...
Yet he keeps going back to her.

Chose all that BS over me...
But I'm the one he calls when he needs help...
I'm his 'best friend'

I literally cannot pull anyone's head
out of their ass and help them see ANYTHING.
Let alone what they are unwilling to believe.
Even if it's true. 

But now, even if he finally realizes that I was RIGHT
and he should have listened to me...
It will pretty much be 'too little too late.'
Because I'm not going to hold my breath for him to realize. 
I'm not going to be someone's second choice.

He already chose.
She would be beyond furious if he chose me over her.
Sure, it hurt me, but I have to let him make his mistakes in life. 
Only HE can pull his head out of his own ass. 
Only HE can open his own eyes. 

Even though I told him the truth, 
he doesn't want to believe it.

She knows what to say and do to wrap him around her finger. 
It pisses me off, but HE is letting her do it. 
Which is why I was pissed off at him. 

Not because he chose her over me. 
It's because he's letting her pull the wool over his eyes. 
Like she has been doing for so long. 
She knows what works with him and she does it. 
While he thinks she's being sincere. I can see through it.
And that's the main reason I don't like her.

It's a result from always getting her way. 
She knows how to get it. 

If I was like that, I'd be fake. 
I'm used to NOT getting what I want. 
When I get anything I wanted, it's like a shock to my system. 
Almost like I don't know how to react. 

If I can be REAL and NOT get what I want, 
at least I can say I am being REAL.

Well she knew when we made plans to meet
because she was reading all of our messages.
THE WHOLE TIME.
SHE SET SMALL FIRES FOR HIM TO COME PUT OUT.
"I need you. It's IMPORTANT"
SO THAT HE WOULD KEEP DROPPING ME TO GO RUNNING TO HER.
CAUSING US TO FIGHT ABOUT IT.

To break us up so she could 'get him back'
when she doesn't even want him...
She just doesn't want him to be with someone else.

He told me: "I don't know if people like me for me,
or if they like me because of what I can do for them."

Maybe I'm the only one who liked him for him. 

But a lot of love was lost along the way. 
As well as respect.

But if he respected himself, 
she would have been gone the FIRST time she cheated on him. 

The only reason I even took a chance with him
was because he told me they were DONE.
That it was OVER between them. 

But I guess when I cam into the picture, 
she had to reel him back in and stick her claws into him again. 

And that is what he thought I was doing.
And although I don't want to make excuses for how he treated me,
he may have thought or assumed that I had motives I didn't have.

He's just completely blindfolded when it comes to her.
And that is his choice. Not mine. 

Besides... I'm probably better suited for someone else. 
Someone who would choose me
and would know me better than that. 
AND WOULD TREAT ME BETTER THAN THAT.

This is a HUGE reason I'm staying single.
Would I like to have the option to date, just in case?
Maybe. But with prior experiences, it's hard to find
exactly what I'm looking for. 

And it's to the point that I am not looking anymore.  
He can have the one who treats him like a possession. 
BUT HE BETTER NOT CRY TO ME ABOUT IT.
She treats him like he's not good enough, 
but HE TREATED ME LIKE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

If he finally realizes I was right,
I better get the biggest apology.

I pointed out to him that she was reading our messages the whole time.
When they were supposedly not together...
Messages she had no right to read. 

And he told me that it showed him that she still cares...
No. She only cares about what she wants. 

The whole time I just wanted something real. 
With someone I thought I could have something real with. 
Silly me for wanting that. 
Or thinking that. 

I guess none of that matters now.
Just an example of how I was mistreated due to assumptions
and manipulations.

I guess it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Oh well.

...And that is why I just keep myself busy with projects. 
Even though I want better for people, 
they have to want better for themselves.

And when they think they know what they are doing, 
I have to leave them alone and let them do their thing.
It's their life, not mine.
If they want to waste their time, money, effort, energy etc...
Then that is what they want to do.
That's up to them to figure out. 

Just like I had to figure out that I was wasting my time. 
Trying to get people who will never see me for me
to see me for me. 

Now, I don't care if they do or not. 
I can sleep better knowing that I'm just being myself. 
Not because I want something from someone. 
Because more often than not, I'm not likely to get what it was
that I wanted all along. Y'know?

And this is why I don't try anymore. 
Either because people don't believe me
or think whatever they think
or assume whatever they assume...
Or want whatever they want...

But it's another thing to think I'm trying to do something
that someone else is actually trying to do. 
And then treat me like I'm the one doing it
when I'm actually not. 

NO TIME FOR THAT.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

See why I'd rather be doing my own things?
And if my things actually work out, all the better.

If I can pick up some clients 
WHO WILL PAY ME AND ACTUALLY WORK WITH ME
AND NOT FLAKE ON ME, 
that's so much better than having to deal with that whole mess.

Everyone else can have each other.