Wondering How

Woke up this morning feeling pretty bummed.
All the things that I thought I wanted, 
and I guess the reasons why I wanted them is pretty selfish. 

Was listening to a tarot video today.
"Choosing You Or Them"

It's my chance to choose myself. 
The inner journey vs the outer journey...

I chose others over myself always
and my needs were not being met
because I was looking outside myself
and I was putting others' needs before mine.

Sometimes I feel better, and days like these...
I wake up feeling like crap.

I have to wake up from this depression
because it's not serving me any good. At all.
It never did and I am going through a lot.

I feel like I need to get out of my skin. 
It just does not feel comfortable being myself. 
A lot of pain coming up, continuously.
Does not feel good. I don't like it.

But shouldn't I figure out why these feelings
keep coming up and how to only let some of it
come out at a time...

So that it doesn't come out all at once. 
It gets intense. 
It's like the more I try to quash it, 
the stronger those feelings get...

And the more I want to quash it.
Because I don't like going through that.
And why should I have to keep going through that?
Why am I putting myself through that?

By not learning how not to...
Even if it's hard to get a handle on it, 
isn't it way worth the struggle?
Until it's not a struggle anymore.

Like communication...
Why has that been a struggle?

Why can I get on here and just write
about stuff I have a hard time talking about?
Why are there only a few who will listen?
Who I shouldn't bother with all of this...

They have their own stuff...

And I put myself in situations that aren't meant to work out.
And just keep hoping they will, but they won't.
Instead of just accepting that they aren't going anywhere.
And realizing I've been wasting my time...

Wishing that things were other than they are...
The way I wish it was...

And so I do know what it is I'm doing...
Wishing.

So why do that?!

What good does that bring?

Just need to get out of feeling like this
because I really don't want to.

At first it felt good, felt real.
Thought it was real...
I don't really know what to think anymore.

Why not just let it all go?
Just how am I supposed to do that?