Why Now?

I think I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the one who asks others if they are okay, of always being the one reaching out, making time, taking time out...

I'm tired of not getting to talk about what matters to me or about why it even matters to me. I'm tired of people treating me like crap and just saying "Sorry, ****" for doing things to you I never should have done and them only feeling bad about it because they never got anything out of doing it. I'm tired of being ignored right in front of my face (yes, in person) by people I had thought of as friends. Then they try popping back into my life like they never did anything wrong to me. Won't talk about it. Dismiss me when I try to talk about it. Part of me just says "Fall back on people who aren't trying or have stopped trying a long time ago... Then come back knowing I was the only one who actually cared..." Anyway, someone who treated me like SH*T reached out to me recently, someone who hurt me worse than pretty much anyone, ever... No shame when it came to ruthlessness, cruelty, disrespect etc.... Tells me he's sorry... Spends a couple of days with me. Treats me better than he has treated me in years... The minute I say I wanted to actually have a conversation, a heart to heart... He's too busy and refuses to talk about any of the sh*t he put me through. Just gave me a bunch of excuses for doing it, not sorry. Wasn't sorry the whole time they did that sh*t to me. So why now? It's okay to just leave me waiting for an apology and then when I need actual effort... Some reassurance that "I'm not going to be like that with you, again." They are exactly the way they were being to you... Because it was just okay to give some sort of blanket apology and never acknowledge the pain they caused... And play the victim when they knew they were hurting ME. So why should I give everyone a billion f*cking chances to stab me in the back or slap me in the face? When all they are going to do is give me bullshit excuses, and not put the effort in? Why should I just wait around until they do? Because I'll always be there? So they can just treat me however they feel like treating me and I'm supposed to be good with that just because they say sorry? I wasted years of my life waiting to be treated right. So why should I waste any more time? When I have things I want to do in my life that do not involve anyone not that anyone would care to be involved... But they want me to keep giving chances out like candies. For "good behavior." And I shouldn't have had to wait to be treated fairly, with respect, with care. A lot of people are showing me who they really are. If not, they wear stupid masks to hide sh*t, but have no shame being a sh*t to me like I mean sh*t to them... Then try to step up out of the blue? Why now? Especially when I don't care to be mistreated anymore? Just lost my interest in trying. That happens. It seems.