Things And Stuff

This week has been a big dip.
I think it is seasonal depression. 
I'm going to go for a long walk after I write this.
It's getting cooler out, the summer is over.
I miss the heat and the sunshine.

I have to let people go who want to go,
and let some people go for other reasons.
Let them live their lives and stop dwelling on things so much.

I have to focus on things that are good for me.
I can't make anyone happy, 
especially people who aren't satisfied with what they have.
And who don't appreciate what they have.

I have to get out of my own head 
and try to dissociate with my thoughts.

I had a talk with a friend who told me
that I am responsible for my thoughts and how I think.

I was told by someone else that I should focus
on being aware of my thoughts, thought by thought.
And flip them if they are not productive.

Thinking unproductive thoughts isn't only unproductive,
but it is a displacement of energy.
He said it is a misdirection of my energy
and to focus on redirecting my energy.
Which makes sense and he's only ever tried to help me, 
but I am aware that I must help myself, 
out of these ruts and onto better pathways.

I'm thinking I should go to the Arboretum today.
Pass the farm, the cows will be in the barns more than likely. 
I've seen that they started the hay season at the end of the summer.
The farm close by has done the bales. Big and round.

Jogging is a good idea to get back into, 
but my weight has been the lowest it has been in a long time.
I can't afford to burn the calories I actually need.
But I need to get out of the house more.
I also need to read more and get off the internet for a while.
Taking breaks is healthy.
Been having issues with my website stuff.
It's been driving me crazy.
I've had to redo the home page many times
and it's driving me crazy.

What is really taking off is software. 
Especially software as a service...

There's been a lot of talk about AI bots and stuff like that.
That seems to be the way of the future.

People still visit sites though.

What I'd like to do is make a mailer site.
There's a guy in Texas who has many sites like this.
He sells solo ads on his site and other people are doing it, too.
It's for those who don't have their own email lists.
Basically, everyone who signs up for it,
gets emails from other members.
I get so many a day... Especially in the morning. 
I have an extension for gmail.
I get a notification when I get a new email
without having to be logged into my gmail account. 
It's pretty handy to have.
Chrome extensions is another way to go. 

It's worth looking into those and into apps.
The app market is so vast that it was worth more
to get into it sooner,
but not everyone knows how to create an app.
The game ones are pretty popular.
Ever heard of Flappy Bird?
It got so addictive that the creator wanted to pull it.
It was a huge sensation
but of course he didn't want it to be so addictive...
That is the thing with a lot of things.
I have had a huge internet addiction since College...

Someone made a joke to me the other day.
He said he's been playing a game that is so realistic
that you'd swear the graphics are real.
So I asked him what game it was...
He said "It's called OUTSIDE, dude."

I get called dude a lot.
By people who call everyone dude...

But the other day I was in the elevator with a couple
with their dog... I was petting their dog...
And when I got off the elevator,
before the door was completely closed...

I heard the woman say: "Do you know that guy?"
Been mistaken for a guy many times.
Likely because of how I dress.
I guess guys typically go for girls who dress like girls.
I've always been more comfortable in guy's clothes,
and they should be unisex clothes.
Not just "guy's" clothes because clothes should just be clothes.
I guess I haven't really been all that feminine. 

Most of my friends are guys.
Any girl friends I had tried to get me to be girly. 
I guess they thought they were doing me a favor. 
So that maybe guys would look at me. 
But of course I don't want guys
to look at me for the wrong reasons.
Which is probably why I feel more comfortable dressing
in "unisex" clothes.

Whenever I used to dress like a girl
and wear makeup and stuff...
It seemed like I attracted perverts.
Which makes me feel uncomfortable.
For obvious reasons.

One of my guy friends said I dress like a hobo.
And he said it makes me a target
Because it makes me stand out more.
He keeps wanting me to get rid of my trench coat.
Maybe it's about time that I do that.
Not that I want to.

I just want to wear what is comfortable to me.
And I just want to be myself. 
I don't want to sexualize myself. 

Someone asked me if I was asexual. 
It's not that I am overtly sexual. 
I still have hormones.
And sometimes have desires, 
but having desires is a lot like 
"be careful what you wish for."

Which has pretty much been the story of my life.

It's been rough in that regard, 
but I have things I need to work on
and others have their things to work on, 
but a lot of people don't want to work on their things.
Because it can take a lot of work
and when you're not used to confronting yourself
you don't know how to do it.
And most people don't like being confronted
or confrontations in general, 
so chances are they don't like change, much, either.

The lesson that I can't change anyone
has been hitting home.
Because people have to want to change.
Even though they want certain things to change, 
they don't really want to put the efforts in to change themselves.

So all I can do is learn about energy, and MY energy
and how to redirect MY energy, and MY thoughts, 
and MY thinking.... To make the effort for myself. 
I've already made the effort for people
who weren't making the effort for themselves or for me.
Being lead by the crowd... To fit in and be accepted by people
who dgaf about them....

And how many times can you make a point to someone
who either doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it?

And then there's the difference between wanting to do something
and wanting to enough to do it.
Knowing what to do vs knowing how to do it.

There are better things to think about
other than what has been consuming my mind.
And the question is...
Do I need to let my mind be consumed by anything?
No, I don't....

Which comes to a realization I had a while back
where I realized that there's been a bunch of things
that I've been doing all my life
that I don't need to do.
Things that have not gotten me anywhere.

But realizing something is just one step of the process.
There are other steps and when I figure it out, 
I'll write about it...

Someone told me that it's not as complicated as it seems.
It probably isn't. I tend to overthink things.
And complicate things that aren't so complicated.
Because they shouldn't be complicated...
And we don't need to hurt ourselves trying to figure things out.

He  said "Trying to figure something out
when there's nothing to figure out, 
is enough to drive anyone crazy."

Things he's told me.... They stick with me for a reason.
And there are reasons he told me those things.

Someone I've been talking with for a while, 
he told me that he sees a difference in me
from when he and I first started talking.
If he can see it, then there likely is a difference
or else he wouldn't be able to see it.

Which comes down to how a lot of people
don't believe in things they can't see.
Can only see energy in certain ways.
Like what energy does.
Like electricity.
What wind does...
Can't see the wind...
But we can see what damage it can do.
There are other things we can't see, too.
That doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Like air... Can't see it, but it's there...

Anyway, about time to gtf outside.