About The Vests

I have a confession to make...
When I was around 4 years old...
My Grandmother used to make me vests.
I didn't want to wear them.
But instead of telling anyone that... 
I guess I thought that I'd have to wear them anyway, 
even if I told them I didn't want to...

So there was a nail on the back of the tv stand...
I'd go behind there, and hook a strand of the vest on it,
and I'd run, ruining the knitted vest
my Grandmother made for me. 
I wrecked three of them before she stopped making me vests.
I wish I had just worn them and not wrecked them.
I thought that if I wrecked them, 
I wouldn't have to wear them...
Because they were wrecked.

I knew what I was doing, and did it.
Got in trouble for doing it. 
I just really didn't like vests.
Still don't. It was the late 80s
and vests were in fashion.

Anyway, that tv stand....

There was a kid at my daycare....
And he didn't have a tv.
I forget the reason he didn't have a tv. 
I told my mom that we should give the tv to him and his family.
Which we did. I forget the kid's name.

That is my confession about the vests.
Now that I know how to knit, 
I know that it takes a long time to make things
like vests and my Grandmother MADE them for ME.
Yet I was ungrateful for those vests.
Little 4 year old me, RUINED those vests.
On purpose and I never said I was sorry.

And I should have brought it up, 
but I didn't want to hurt my Grandmother's feelings.
And I didn't want her to be mad at me.

She visits me in dreams.
Where I get to be loving and loved by her.
It's like she's really there, 
like she's still alive.

I wish I could have lucid dreams
where I know I'm dreaming
so that I could talk to her and have conversations with her.
I do talk to her in my dreams.

But it's always like I'm experiencing the dream
instead of turning it into an experience.

I'm still glad that I get to see her in my dreams,
she's been visiting more often. I miss her.

I was thinking about the house she used to live in.
It was my first home.
I used to slide down the stairs on my butt.
When my Grandfather looked up from his newspaper, 
I used to giggle and run upstairs and slide down the stairs again.

All the things I used to love to do when I was a kid...
I wish I could still do as an adult.
But obviously they are childish...

Not wrecking vests, but the actual fun things
that I used to do for fun.
Things I used to really enjoy.

I used to be more attuned to my imagination etc.