Not Really An Update

Been very moody lately. 
Probably partly to do with being off my medication
for at least a few days now.
I am more irritable than usual and hard to concentrate. 
It drives me crazy to feel like this.
Partly because I don't feel like myself. 
Partly because I'd rather just have the ability to concentrate.

Just been really f*cking grumpy
And I don't like it!

Been thinking about trying to get my sites going, 
actually going...

I've spent a lot of time testing stuff, 
but getting a whole lot of nothing done
which adds to my grumpiness.
If I feel like I'm making progress, I'm happy.
When I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, 
I'm not happy.

Progress is important to me. Very.
And when I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I'm not happy.

Been feeling really misunderstood,  too.
Which just adds to my unhappiness.

The only one who I felt I could really talk with...
He and I aren't talking, again. 
I miss talking with him, I miss him.
I miss the way I felt when I felt he understood me.
I miss feeling that way,  in general. 

Few people I can actually talk with....
Which kind of makes it feel lonely at times.
But I have to remember that I shouldn't get too attached.
1) Because people leave
2) Because I have some things to do that don't involve
the people I used to hang out with.
3) I have to be okay with others not understanding me.
4) Being understood is something super rare, anyway.

But I am pretty done with a lot of things. 
And I should have been done with those things a long time ago.

It's like I'm learning lessons I should have already learned a long time ago.

Other than that, I've been pretty tired, too.
When the seasons change... I think I have that disorder
where I'm affected by  the change of the seasons.... 
It would explain some things... 
Feels kind of like I'm going into hibernation mode, again. 

Feels like I wasted a lot of time this year,  
for very little to nothing to show for it.
It could be depression talking again, 
or being off my medication is really affecting me...

But I have to grab control over my own mind
and my own state of emotion
and not base it off something that hasn't happened, yet.
Or something that may likely never happen...

And try to get some decent rest when I need it...
Instead of trying to push myself to the brink all  the time.
Just because I want more from myself and out of myself, 
and frustrated with myself for not achieving what I wanted to.
Frustrated with those around me for their faults
and with them for not doing anything about those faults...
BUT I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT  MINE
AND NOT JUST HOPE THEY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR'S...
AND NOT WASTE TIME WANTING THEM TO WANT TO...
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO.

It's like talking to brick walls...
Because they don't want to hear it.
They don't want to hear how I'm being affected
and they don't care that I am or how I am.
They just expect so much from me
because I've already played their stupid games.
I already shown them things.  

But now, I just want to hide away and just be BUSY all the time.
Because there's a lot of things I want to do
and a lot of reasons why I want to do those things.

And I want to  think that it's a way to build something stable for myself.
Except it's been hard to focus and just do things.
I f*cking hate taking medication. 
I don't like feeling like this....
Am I grumpy because I'm tired?
Or am I just tired of being grumpy?

It's so stupid being on mood swings like this. 
I don't know if it's hormones or if it's something else.
It does not feel good. It just does not.

I don't know what else to write about, 
I just figured that writing about something
might be a distraction for a little while.