Why Pretend?

Not sure what to say sometimes.
Certain things people do... 
And I want to know why...

Why people can give you like 5 different excuses
not to do something they don't want to do...

Instead of just saying: I don't want to. 
And just saying why.

Apparently, the guy I thought was interested in me
was only hanging out with me because he felt bad for me.
And was just "with" me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

He never wanted to be with me.
He only told me things as though he did.

Because he couldn't just be honest with me...

That was very painful.

If you're not into someone, do them a favor
AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU ARE!
because that hurts more than just being honest with me.
holding my hand, 
being intimate with me,
talking about moving in together...
Calling me his girl. 
Telling me he wanted me to meet his family. 

And he was just being "nice" to me.

Then the truth comes out...
The truth I knew all along.
But he didn't have the heart to tell me.
So he lied and lied and lied...

And lies hurt more than the truth.

But instead of just telling me...
Took me through the pain of all of that.
Because he's looking for a prettier girl. 
And telling me he doesn't want a relationship.
Was saying he doesn't want me.

Because when it's someone you want, 
you get ready real fast. 

And you don't give a hundred excuses why you aren't.

Instead of just letting me be with someone
who actually likes me...

Why pretend?
"I was saying those things because I was actually happy."

Happy pretending to be interested?
How does that work exactly?

"You have to take it way easier on yourself..."
Like you took it easy on me?
Because you "felt bad" for me?
And you didn't want to "be mean" to me...
So you pretended to like me back for 3 months?
And told me you did...

And told me you were happy with me...
Sleeping in the same bed... 
He wanted to feel like he was wanted
without having any feelings involved
because there weren't any... 

"I care about you, let's be friends."
"I was just being nice to you."
"I never wanted anything with you."

I guess it's better after 3 months, instead of 3 years...
Thinking he wanted me to be his "girl"
and that's what I was when we were... 
But the whole time I wasn't. 
Ever going to be....

That's... Painful.

He admitted he's not even attracted to me. 
Why sleep with me in your bed?

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings."
So this was better than being honest with me?

"Whatever happened between us, happened."
If it doesn't mean anything, why do it?

And then tell me you miss me?
Because everything got worse when I left?

And why say: "Let's talk about it... Let's work it out..."?
When there was nothing to work out
and apparently nothing to talk about?

But let's just be friends... 

Can you be friends with someone who went to extents
to act like they wanted you when they didn't?

How can he act like all of that was okay?
Because he "never meant to hurt me..."

And looking at my messages, thinking I had someone else. 
Like he'd be jealous if there was someone else...

Or maybe there was someone else on his side
and was looking to see if there was any reason
he could use to "break it off" with me?

And I asked him many times if there was someone else.
And he could have been honest with me. 
Should have been honest with me all along. 

It's not that I can't take rejection. 
It's that I would rather take rejection
than be "with" someone who
"just felt bad" for me... 
Y'know?
And then "I just want to be friends..."

He wanted me around so that I could do what I was doing.
So that he could change his mind, one day...
"I care about you..."

If you cared, why do that to me?

And I have to tell myself things
like he didn't know me well enough...
And crap like that.
And I don't know why I was hoping for anything
with anyone after all kinds of things... 

The last few years have been like this....

Why do I even get upset about it?
Why do I let it hurt?
It's just one of those things. 

People change their minds.
About me all the time... 

And I hold things in until they bother me too much. 
And I tend to show some anger when I'm hurt. 
I don't know why I do that. 

Obviously it's not a good look on me. 

But why pretend to like someone back?