Why Now?

Some people don't want to heal... 
Or do the work, or ascend out of the sh*t they are used to.
Hard to want to want more.

The pain of staying the same is worse than changing.... 
If they are used to treating people like sh*t, 
and comfortable with that sh*t, 
why would they change?

When people are comfortable with toxicity, 
they'll just gravitate towards more toxicity. 
And then they'll want "peace"
but thrive on chaos... 
Because that's all they know
and all they know how to create
by projecting the sh*t they say they don't want... 

When someone healthy comes along, 
they're like "wtf is this?"

Imagine all you eat is junk and then someone offers you health food... 

Anyways, making the mistakes I made in the past
made me realize that I'll never do that sh*t again. 
A lot of those mistakes helped me grow. 

The pain of staying the same has to be greater than changing. 
And all of that... That takes time. 
I'm talking about profound changes... 
Deep stuff...
Not just cutting your hair or buying a new shirt. 

Like an ego death... 
No choice but to look yourself in the mirror.... 
To really look, deep... Deeper... 

And that is part of why I've been isolating... 

Been reflecting on a lot of things... 
And thinking back on a lot of things... 
About who I used to be, what I thought I used to want... 
And I want other things than what I used to want, now. 
Because I see what is more important than 
what I used to think was important... 

So many conversations I wish I could have with my son. 
In a lot of ways I was really toxic... 
But I couldn't see it. I didn't realize it. 
When he closed the door on me this time, 
I really felt it... 

And there are a lot of unknowns now. 
"How is he doing?"
"What is he doing?"
"Why is he doing it?"
"How is he feeling?"
"Is he getting what he needs?"

You can tell how I used to be
by how I used to write and what I used to write about.

There were times I did some contemplative stuff, 
but not enough because I was not thinking hard enough.
I've had a lot of time to do that 
because I have been taking the time to do that.

It's good and healthy to do that. 
And not many people do it. 
They won't take the time alone, 
or they are too busy reacting to everything
to ask themselves about how they react or why they do. 

But I wasn't doing that. Not many people do, they just do as they do. 
And they repeat patterns they have, instead of trying
to understand why the pattern exists... 
And what they can do about fixing those patterns... 

"Things have to get different to get better."
That was what I was told about getting sober... 

Getting sober and quitting smoking and those things....
Those were changes I made... 
But even after I did those things... 
I still wasn't addressing other things I needed to address in myself. 

And "mistakes are proof that you're trying."
Is it better to try and f*ck up?
Than f*ck up because you weren't trying?

I spent most of my life not trying hard enough. 
I lost a lot because of that. 
I was trying for the things that don't matter
as much as the things that matter so much to me now... 
The things I don't have in my life... 
The things I really miss and want and maybe could have had... 
But I don't have because I kept f*cking it up... 
Like the more I wanted it, the harder it was to have it... 
Does that make any sense?

Been learning a lot of lessons... Lately... 
Really hard ones... Very hard... 
And if you don't learn it the first time... 
It'll repeat until you do... 
And when we're not aware of that and not looking for the repeats, 
it just will do that without us realizing and nothing changes. 

And people get tired of being stuck in the same patterns with people. 
And they want things to change, get better somehow... 
But they do not want to make changes, to make it better. 

That is where I was at. I was stuck in a lot of negativity BS. 
And I affected people with it. Everyone around me. 
Because of the people who were around me were
constantly negative and it was affecting me, too.

I mean there comes a time to be serious and realistic and all that. 
And not everything is rainbows and butterflies all the time, 
but when things are toxic, they are toxic... 
And there's no sugar coating it. 
It's just f*cking toxic. 
And I had to get away from that sh*t. 
And I started seeing it more and more around me... 

I've seen how other people's mentalities have affected my mentality. 
And every time I've wanted to grow, change, heal etc... 
I find myself alone... So I can think... 
But it's so hard to think about all those things
when I think so much about my son... 

And how things went there.
Had he not said those things... 
I wouldn't have had a reaction to those things, 
but I didn't have to react the way I did to those things... 
So it's hard to say if things could have gone another way... 
I can't speak for his mentality, but it's gotten too dark and scary. 
He'll have to want to make changes. 
He's reacting to a lot of pain, including pain I caused over the years. 
That I wish I never caused and didn't have to cause. 
And couldn't see I was causing... 

Been trying to acknowledge things to him, 
been trying to write to him... 
And he's probably thinking "why now?
I already told her I'm never going to talk to her again."

And I don't know why I let people treat me like that. 
My own son? Just ghosts me whenever... 
And I never did that to him... 

I guess he was taught not to care about me
because his dad doesn't anymore.
And I am to blame for that by being disloyal to him. 
And he's been getting away with just treating me badly. 

And I get my son has his resentments towards me, too. 
For a lot of things... Over the years...

And they both have held onto it
because it f*cking hurt them both. 

I learned lessons about loyalty and lessons about maturity. 
And lessons about love and all kinds of things
through causing these issues. 

But what I have yet to learn is how to repair the damage I caused. 
If it can be repaired. Those are old, deep wounds
that weren't addressed because I wasn't ready to face myself, 
my mistakes and take responsibility. 

But after a long time not doing it, 
when we start doing it....
People who have wanted us to for a long time... 
Wonder: "Why now?"