What They Think

It's been something of a ride.... The last few years.... 
People who I thought actually cared about me.... Didn't. 
A lot of fake people.... Who are self interested. 

Have I always been at my best? No.
Have I been perfect? No.

But why should I go out of my way to hurt people?
Have I without meaning to? Yeah.

But did I want someone on my team? Yeah. 
Did I think people were being real with me? Yeah.
Was I hoping that they were being real with me? Yeah.
Were they? No. 

Don't even know what to say.... 

There's a bunch of things I wanted, that I didn't get. 
"You can't expect you from other people."

I can't expect others to see things the way I see things. 

Did I make mistakes, too? Yeah. 
But am I solely to blame here? No. 

I can't control what and how other people think. 
It's very hard to change someone's mind unless they want to. 
Unless they are open to attempting to look at something differently
than how they see it. 

Am I completely blameless or shameless? No. 
Am I perfect? No. Do I have faults? Yes. 
Am I at fault? Likely. 

It brings me back to other things. 
Like the false allegations against me. 
Of course I was denying it because it wasn't true
And the people who thought it was true or even made it up.... 
Would of course expect me to deny it, 
but I am not going to admit to anything that isn't true. 

And I get that some things look a certain way, 
but it isn't always the way it looks. 

When my kid was very young and was getting into things at home... 
I'd catch him doing something and I'd clap my hands, to get his attention. 
Because it worked. And then I told him "no."
And he's cry because he knew what "no" means, 
and he'd have to stop what he was doing. 
Like the toddler who cries
because he's not allowed to access the chemicals under the sink.... 

BUT... My neighbor heard the clap and mistook it for a slap. 
And heard my kid crying after the "slap."
Reported me to the C.A.S. 

Which would be the right thing to do if it was the way it seemed, 
but it wasn't. I wasn't slapping my kid. 
I was clapping my hands together, to get his attention. 

But maybe there was another way I could have used....
To me, it was harmless. It was working. 
Only a clap can be mistaken for a slap.... 
And people can reach their own conclusions, which they do. 
Instead of confronting me, 
but they'd expect me to deny it, anyway... 

I've learnt that it is pretty hard, even very hard
to convince people who are already convinced. 
And the harder you try to convince them,
the less likely they are to be convinced. 
Because they already are. 

Like people who think I'm a bad person... 
They are convinced that I'm "this" or "that"
because of "this" or "that."
They are already convinced and very little I can do or say
to change their mind, their way of looking at it. 

And it's easy to base their opinions on "facts."
And it's easy to derive their facts based on how they see it. 

And yes, I've been ignorant, immature, impulsive in the past. 
Impoverished when it comes to experience, 
even to common sense a lot of the time... 

I have my own ways of looking at things and I know why I do things. 
And a lot of things I haven't done is because I lack confidence. 

And it's like all my life I've done a lot of wrong things for the right reasons. 
Even though I should have known better. I learned. The hard way. 
And did a lot of stupid things for selfish reasons. 
And even stupid reasons. 

And none of those things can be undone. 
And yes, I have been treated very badly because of past things. 
And because of conclusions people have reached
when it comes to me. 

And even the way people talk to me... 
They think they are trying to talk to me with compassion, 
and like they understand, but it just feels like they are being condescending. 
And they don't get it anyway. 
They don't understand why I feel the way I feel about myself. 
And that a lot of it was f*cking up due to 

1) wanting something the way I wanted it
and going about it the wrong way

2) Trying to do the right thing the wrong way

3) Being scared and stupid, and f*cking up. 

Or a bit of all of the above. 

And knowing that there are things supposed to be within my control, 
and knowing that there are things that I have no control over
and that trying to have control over the things I have no control over
is like an exercise in futility. 

And I can't always get what I want, no matter how I try to get it. 

There was someone in a chat room today who said something
and then someone agreed with it
and said "now I have the satisfaction of being right."

And that is why people want to be right... 
To have the satisfaction of it. 

But what if they only think they are right?
They still want the satisfaction, right?

"I should be allowed to get my point across."
Right or wrong?

"Should" we be "allowed" to do things?
"Are" we "allowed" because we think we "should" be?

And here is pretty much the only place I feel like I can
bring things up. 

I'm sure there are things I have said on here that make no sense. 
Maybe there are a few things I said, that do. 
If I made perfect sense, I would be out there (not ruining my life). 

And yes, I ruined my life by making impulsive choices
that I didn't think all the way through. 
And acting on bad advice. 
Not weighing the pros and cons.... 
And when you feel like you have to make a quick decision... 
And you get bad advice, that's like setting yourself up to fail. 
But at the time, you think it's good advice. 
You believe the compelling arguments. 
FOR a certain line of action, and the reasoning behind it. 
NOT against it. It makes sense at the time... 
Until you saw that it worked against you....

And if you took the time to think about it, 
you could see how it would work against you. 
Instead of for you. 
That it wasn't in anyone's best interest. 

It was supposed to be, but it wasn't. 
It didn't help, it made things worse. 
And I feel like sh*t for making things worse. 
Because I had the chance to make things better. 
But I didn't. 
I made them worse, instead. 

And it makes me feel f*cking stupid and foolish to see why
that wasn't going to help anything
and that I was digging myself a hole. 

One of my friends told me:
"Put the shovel down and walk away for a hot minute."

And people judging me for what I did. 
Most of all, my son. 
And myself. 

No matter how many people will judge me, 
I judge myself. 
And had I judged myself more
for even thinking about doing that, 
I wouldn't have done that. 

Had I thought about it... 

And yes, people can change their minds about things, 
and about themselves, too. 

But yes, I do feel f*cking useless. 
Even writing about this stuff.... 
I don't really see that it has a purpose. 

Recalling my regrets. 
And hoping people can learn from the mistakes I made. 
While they look at my mistakes and wouldn't have made them in the first place... 
And wouldn't have dug themselves all these holes. 
Because they aren't f*cking idiots... 

Like people telling me things that freak me out... 
And wanting me not to be freaked out
and then getting mad at me when I freak out, 
even though I don't have to freak out. 
And while freaking out, I tend to do the wrong things
which compound the issue. 
Because I'm an idiot for not knowing 
how to deal with these issues without freaking out. 

It's been vey hard and draining for me. 
Over the past couple of years especially. 

Because it's like I don't even have the mental or emotional reserves. 
To act in a way that serves me to act. 
Which should not be and isn't intended to be an excuse for myself
not to act the way I ought to be acting as an adult. 
Because I'm an adult. 
I'm not some scared child. Who can say "I didn't know better, at the time." 

And I know my son is in a lot of pain. That I caused. 
And I couldn't see that I was causing it, to him. 
And even now, especially now, I have to ask myself why.
Was it because I couldn't see it?
Or because I didn't want to see myself as someone who would?
Because I wasn't ready to see that about myself?

And I don't want to hurt anyone. 
Yet, I did, without meaning to. 
Because I wasn't thinking enough of him. 
I mean there is a difference between thinking ABOUT someone, 
and thinking OF them. 

And when you do more of one, you do less of the other.
When we think more OF them, we think less about them. 
When we think more ABOUT them, we think less of them... 
Doesn't seem that we do the two at the same time... 

"What about this?"
"What of this?"

It seems we are trained to think about things, not of things. 
And that has been a huge issue for me. 
There's a lot I never thought OF.
There's things I thought ABOUT, but not OF.

I thought and think about my son, a lot. 
But there were a lot of times that I wasn't thinking OF him. 

And there were a lot of times he may have thought about me, 
but not of me. 

Selfish teens don't think a lot OF things. 
And not when they are being ABOUT themselves. 
Even into their 20s. 
Their 20s is like a second teenager bout. 
Like terrible 2s. When we have to learn things
that we don't want to learn. 

Only there aren't always going to be people around
to clap their hands to get our attention and tell his "no."
And even if there are, will we listen?
Or just do what we wanted to do?

Because I wanted to do a bunch of stupid sh*t
that doesn't matter in the long run. 
I wanted to drink, never helped me. 
Even though I thought it did, or was. 
And I wasn't thinking OF anyone else.

I really f*cking wish I had, but I didn't. I wasn't. 
If I could go back in time and change ALL of that, I would. 
And it wouldn't have taken until I was 30 to quit drinking. 
Or until recently to quit doing drugs. 

To realize that I had all that time to at least try
to take responsibility for my own life
and ruining it by ruining the chances that I had
to think OF others, and to try to make things right. 

And how I used a lot of things as an excuse. 
Instead of trying to turn my life around. 
A lot of things were wake up calls. 
But they didn't wake me up until much later. 
Because I was still not thinking OF any of it. 

Sure, I thought ABOUT some things, 
but it is really different from thinking OF things. 
Like the consequences.... For one thing.... 

Even though I can blame everyone else
for how I reacted and acted.... 
I'm still the one who reacted that way and acted that way. 

And the thing here is that even if they realize that I realize that, 
it's still going to be too late 
because I already reacted and acted on it. 

Like burning a bridge and saying "I wish I hadn't done that."
Which I have done a billion times. 

There was an exercise we did at school in the 6th grade. 
We were in teams of like 4 or 5 and we had to come up with a "company name"
and "purchase" materials we needed
to build a "bridge" out of popsicle sticks and glue. 
It was to teach certain skills or examples of skills. 
And how we were responsible for planning it, 
what we needed, budget it, build it... 

I haven't had the skills I needed. 

1) I wasn't taught a lot of things
2) I was too stubborn and didn't want to learn
when I had some opportunities to learn
3) I wasn't seeking opportunities to learn
4) I was too busy blaming the fact that I didn't know. 
5) I went with what I thought was okay or right.
Even though it wasn't. 

Kind of like "well I didn't know what to do."
Was some excuse for doing the wrong thing. 
Or listening to someone when they told me to do something
that ended up being the wrong thing to do. 

Anyway, it just makes me feel these things:

1) Inadequate
2) Insecure
3) Incompetent
4) Inexperienced
5) Ignorant

All these things and more, when I do the wrong things. 

Obviously, I judge myself, a lot. 

And some friends tell me that I need to forgive myself. 
Which is hard to do sometimes. Most of the time. 

Yes, I'm still learning, but do I have to learn the hard way? All the time?
Have I not learned the hard way enough? In this life?
Not to want to keep learning the hard way?
Does anyone?
I guess they must if that's the only way they seem to learn, right?

But not everyone who is depressed is depressed because they enjoy it.
And not everyone who just takes medication is going to be cured.
Especially when it comes to mental illness.

Changing the way we look at it is changing the way we see it. 
If we look at it the way we always have, we'll see it the way we always have
and no amount of medication is going to change that. 

When people keep lighting themselves on fire
and keep getting lit on fire
by others who light themselves on fire....
How is taking medication supposed to help that stop?

And I've had conversations with people
who would rather blame their actions on mental illness
instead of acknowledging they made bad choices
and they shouldn't have done what they did. 
Mental illness or not. 

Like I could just say: "I have BPD" and all the choices I made
was because I have BPD.
Even though I didn't know I had it until this year....
Even though those were still my choices to make. 
No matter how or what I was thinking at the time I made those choices. 

If I had been thinking straight, I'd have made better choices
instead of impulsive ones that were unhelpful. 
That I regret. 
And just because a line of thinking seems to make sense
doesn't mean it's the one to follow.

At the time, I wasn't thinking straight enough to know
that I wasn't thinking straight. 
I shouldn't act impulsively when I'm not thinking straight. 

And when I'm scared, I'm not thinking straight. 
Because my mind is racing and it's causing me to react.
Sometimes overreact.
Have been prone to do that. To overreact.
Or to underreact. 
Or not react at all. 

Sometimes certain reactions are necessary. 
Sometimes certain reactions are expected. 
Sometimes unexpected. 
Depends on the reaction. 

What I learned about reactions
is that they are generally automatic.
And impulsive... 
And often are a way someone reacted before. 
A re-action. 
Like "She always acts this way."
"She always overreacts."

"She's always ruining things, making things worse."

And I usually always feel judged, by everyone.
But it seems they will not look at themselves.

"You're stupid because you did this, or that."
"I wouldn't have done this or that."
"You should do this or that."

But they don't look at themselves, their own faults.
Just want to point out all of mine. 
And after I did something, that I can't undo.
Like pointing out why I shouldn't have done that
isn't going to change the fact that I did. 
It'll make me think about it, 
even hate myself for doing it, 
maybe prevent me from doing it again, 
but still doesn't change the fact I did it. 

The "right" thing to do is "this"
so I do "this"
and the result is "bad"
so was it the right thing to do?

Made a lot of mistakes in my life. 
I let people disrespect me and so they did. 
Many times. 
And it went to show they had no respect for me. 

But did I command it?
Did I ever know how to command it?
Will I know?

And even if I grow and change.... 
And learn how to command respect... 
Will it guarantee that the people who didn't respect me, will?
Will they see the error of their ways?
Not just mine?

Someone I was talking to the other night was telling me:
"Sorrow and isolation, not a good combo."
It's depression. 
Certain things are depressing. 
Because certain things are not the way we want them to be. 
The fact that they aren't is depressing, 
It has very little to do with the things themselves. 
But there are exceptions to that. 
Like injustices of proportionate amounts. 

Small, stupid, petty shit isn't the kind of injustice we're talking about. 
Or that I'm talking about. 

Small, stupid, and petty shit
is small, stupid, and petty. 

We can become so much bigger than that sh*t. 
Bigger than the big sh*t, too. 

But the facts of things are depressing. 

I could be depressed because I had a sh*tty childhood. 
At times, I had some pretty sh*tty, traumatic experiences. 
I wasn't taught a lot of things. I was abused. 
I could let it ruin and detroy, rule my life, 
or I can become bigger
than the biggest sh*t that ever happened to me.

I can become bigger than the things that could have broken me. 
I could say "I have mental illness" 
and then use that as an excuse to stay in my sorrows forever. 
Or use it to justify making the wrong choices in life. 
No mental illness can justify sh*tty things. 

"I'm mentally ill so just expect me to do sh*tty things."
No. 

There was someone who was saying stuff in a chatroom. 
He was saying that mania had convinced him he was a master thief
so he stole like 14k worth of stuff. 
It was a decision to steal it. 
Not "mania had me so deluded."
And then he went on to say that the people in his family 
who have the same mental illness forgave him. 
And that he didn't choose to have said mental illness. 
Or be born into a family who has it. 

But did mania really have him deluded?
Or did his own beliefs make him deluded?
Or did he decide... I can make money if I steal stuff.
And "I don't care who I steal it from."
"Even my own family."

Was it mania that "made" him think like that?
Or did he convince himself it was okay?

And instead of taking full responsibility for it, 
he says: "It's because I have a mental illness."

In a chatroom, I brought up that time, on a Greyhound
that a guy killed another guy on the bus. 
It was so brutal that I'll leave the details out. 
The point was that it didn't have to go as far as it did, 
and the guy got no prison time. 
He went to a psychiatric facility, was given a new identity
and was released. 

Even though he is clearly a risk to society....

You can't say: "I killed a guy on a bus, did all this and that, 
but it's because I'm mentally ill. Have pity on me."

Did he have pity for the guy he killed?

And I wrote about what my own brother said. 
"I could see myself getting so angry at someone
that I could kill them, feel bad about it, 
but still blame them for making me mad...."

Not bad enough that he even thinks like that..... 
Like he's just entitled to do whatever he "feels like" doing. 
"I'm so mad I feel like killing this guy...."
"But f*ck him and his life."
"I only care about how I feel."
F*ck that. 

Anyway, I have things to think about and think of. 
Regardless where other people's heads are at. 
I have to get my head straight. 
Others have to get their heads straight. 
And is it up to me to change everyone's minds?
About anything? About me?

But I can see how I've looked and how I look. 
I can see that, all of it. 
And no, I don't like it. 
Don't like myself because of it. 

But I can see how I recognize some things... 
How I couldn't see things before. 
How a lot of other people can't see things. 

And I've needed good advice and help in the past. 
So do other people. 

I've needed to heal and be patient, 
but there comes a time where we have to keep trying. 
And even if we keep failing, at least we're still trying?

Someone said "If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need to be here."
We're here to learn and to teach. 
To earn our reach. 
Life's not meant to be a peach... 
Or a beach... 

Anyway, I was stupid. Had to learn a lot. 
But I wasn't even focused on that. At all. 
I thought I was doing "good enough"
but I wasn't. I really wasn't. 

I can spent my whole life beating myself about it. 
Feeling like sh*t forever. 
Because of this or that, that caused someone to push me away... 
That caused someone to lose respect for me... 
To lose their patience with me... 
To lose their faith in me.... 

Or I can try to forgive myself for not knowing better
and not doing better... And for having to learn from that. 
Even if I still can't gain their respect, 
or have their patience, or faith back. 

I have to try to be patient with myself, but not too patient. 
Try to have some faith in myself, some respect for myself... 
Have higher standards for what I am willing to and will not accept. 

Even from myself. Especially from myself. 
And then when people see that, they might treat me better. 
They might value me if I value myself. 

I let people come and go in my life. 
I let people refuse to talk to me and then let them back into my life. 
I let people hurt me and then let them back into my life. 
Like "It's okay to hurt me, hurt me some more." And they did. 

At the same time, if they don't mean to hurt us.... 
That's one thing. 
If they do it on purpose, because they're angry, 
that's another thing. 
And is that a loss? Is it?

I've lashed out in anger, too. 
Doesn't make it right. 
Doesn't make it acceptable. 
Doesn't make me a good example 
of how to conduct one's self. 

There's a time and place for anger. 
To help us protect ourselves and protect others. 
But lashing out, indignantly, is just immature. 

And that is something a lot of people don't want to see about themselves. 
They don't look at why they get so angry. 
Why they feel entitled to have things their way. 
Why they can't get what they want. 
And just accept that. 

And a lot of it is wanting to control everything and everyone. 

I was in a house like that. When I was younger. 
I saw my mom pissed off at stupid sh*t. 
I learned to express myself the way she did. 
I got pissed off at stupid sh*t, too. 

Until I realized I don't have to get pissed off at stupid sh*t. 
It's stupid, and immature. 

There was something in a video... 
There was so solar blast or something
so it looked like daylight at 1am. 
It was s bright that the birds thought it was day time
and so they're doing their bird thing, chirping. 
The birds woke someone up, and he went outside and shot them. 
For what? Just being birds?
Was it their fault that the guy couldn't sleep through it?
Was it their fault that the guy felt entitled to "peace and quiet?"
Was it their fault there was a solar blast? Or whatever it was?

"So what? Bird chirp. Dog bark. The sun blasts us with solar whatevers, sometimes."
"Life goes on."

But shooting the birds was supposed to "make" them shut up. 
Like he was supposed to have control over them. 
So he killed them. 

And some people will say: "They were just birds."
But that isn't the point.