The Pain

Been through a lot of painful experiences, and so have others. 
When people can relate, they can relate. 

It's really hard to do that work, internal work... 
It's been really hard to forgive myself
because I want to be forgiven so badly, by my son
and he's not about to forgive me. 

Not any time soon.... 

And there's nothing I can do to make him forgive me
and make him want to move forward with me. 

And I have to live with how he feels about me. 
And how I feel about how he feels about me.... 

And it doesn't feel good. It doesn't.
It really doesn't. At all. 

The video I shared really brings up a lot of things. 
Been very wounded and broken. 
Especially recently.... 
And I'm trying to get to a place where I feel okay. 
Just okay, with myself.
I'm not. I'm really not okay. 
With what happened, how I reacted to it.
How I mishandled everything. 
How I kept ruining things when I had chances to change. 

I didn't see that I needed to change and make changes.
In therapy, we talk a lot about effectiveness. 
And I haven't seen a lot of effectiveness in my life. 

Been pretty broken. 
And it bothers me because I react to my own pain. 
So do others. Others are broken, too. 

I allowed certain things and certain situations to break me, 
and certain people who I did at least some damage to.

"What goes around does come around."

We have to pay for our mistakes whether we want to or not.
We can't have a cause without an effect 
or an effect without a cause.

And I caused a lot of damage. 
Willingly or unwillingly. 
Knowingly or unknowingly. 
I still did it. Many times. 

And in therapy today.... We talked about judgment. 
I judge myself a lot more now than I ever did
because I see the effects. Of my behavior, my impulses, 
my urges, what I thought was okay and wasn't okay.
My mistakes... My stupidly bad choices. 
My selfishness, ignorance.... 
Stubbornness.... My stupid ego.... 

All of the very ineffective things I did
instead of being effective or learning what would work
instead of automatically going to what didn't work. 
And letting everything go to sh*t
over things that were not effective. 
Not thinking things through. 
Thinking about myself and what I wanted. 
Instead of the right things... 

And who's to say it would have gone better
had I chosen another path?
Maybe it might have. 
But would it have? 
How would I know?

But.... A lot of things I did, I didn't have to do. 
And probably shouldn't have done. 
And yes, I should have had the foresight. 
Not to do those stupid things. 
And I feel like sh*t about myself and the things I did wrong. 
And how it affected and impacted other people. 

And now that it has come back around, to me.... 
Can I say... "This is what I deserve"?
Because it might as well be. 

For thinking I still had time to try to make things right. 
Instead of doing what I needed to do, to make things right. 
And even then, can I? Is it possible?
To do one thing and have the pain of the past
just melt away? Like it was never there?

The video talked about how we are conditioned. 
To accept toxicity over something healthy. 
Because that's what we're used to and familiar with. 

I went back to toxic situations many times
because that's what I was used to.
I got used to being treated a certain way
by the people in my life. 
Like I didn't f*cking matter.... 
Like nothing I did ever mattered. 

So I started to feel like I don't. 
And that it doesn't. 

I mean, there could be a point in writing all of this.... 
There could be no point in writing this... 

Maybe I have actually come a ways from where I used to be. 
Maybe I still have a long way to go. 

"What is the point in doing much of anything
when it doesn't f*cking matter to anyone?"

When the people we do it for don't appreciate the time and effort?
What is the point? Is there a point?
Do we do it to try to make ourselves feel better?

Especially when doing it doesn't necessarily make them feel better?
And is that coming from a place of ego?
To try to make ourselves feel good?
Even if it makes them feel like sh*t?
And what is the point in that?

Because there is a difference between boosting our ego
and building our self-esteem. 

And a lot of the times... 
People who have the biggest egos
have the lowest self-esteem. 

And they never really sit down and distinguish the two. 

When people aren't taught this stuff, 
they have a few of options. 

1) They can think they are too good for learning it, 
and not learn it

2) They can try to learn it from others who know it, 
and seek people out.
(Which they won't do if they are too ashamed).

3) They can swallow all the emotions and really work hard on themselves. 

But when we can't see, refuse to see what the issues are....
How can we fix those?
When we refuse to, we can't, we won't. 

Until we take an HONEST look at ourselves. 
And that's HARD for a lot of people to do. 
A lot of people can't. 

It's a like a paradigm shift for them to even admit
that they have an issue. 
They'll get defensive about their issue. 
All because they don't want to or feel like facing it. 

I used to get defensive about my issues. 
When anyone pointed something out to me, 
I got mad at them for pointing it out... 
For bringing it up, so they didn't. 
Because to them, there wasn't a point in doing it. 
Because I wasn't willing to change, at that point in my life. 

Even though I had so many reasons to change. 
So many really good reasons to change. 
Instead, I got mad....

"The truth will set you free,
but at first it will piss you off."

It doesn't have to piss us off. 
We don't have to defend ourselves.... 
Or the issue. But we do it to avoid feeling shame, guilt. 
Because we don't want to feel bad about ourselves. 
So we'd rather get mad at the people who are "making us" feel bad
about ourselves. Instead of facing the ego and the issue. 

And when we're at that point, it's hard to ask for help. 
Because we don't think we need help. 
We REFUSE to look at ourselves and REFUSE help. 

There may come a time when we can look at ourselves.... 
Hopefully before we lose everything, every opportunity.... 
Before we lose ourselves and our ever loving minds.... 

But being unhealthy, we are not in our right minds. 
When we have all kinds of toxic beliefs... 
We aren't in our right minds. 

I may not be in my right mind... 
I definitely wasn't in my right mind. 
Not even good to be around... 

And because of this, my son suffered. 
It wasn't just me who caused his suffering, 
but I did cause some of it.
And I didn't work hard enough with him to heal it. 
And yes, I blame myself every day. 

When people don't want to talk about what is hurting them, 
it's hard to get to the bottom of it. 
And I know that a lot of anger comes from pain. 
It really does.
It really f*cking does....

And I know that a lot of my past actions really affected my son.
When I really wanted to be in a relationship
and put so much effort into that, 
and not into connecting with my son. 
That's one of my biggest regrets.... Ever.

Because there's so much time for "love"
and it wasn't more important than my son. 
Because he needed love, from me. 
He needed his Mommy. 
And Mommy was being a dummy. 

And then he saw his Mommy as a dummy. 
And he got tired of trying and wanting to matter to me. 
Even though he always mattered to me, still does. 

But it is hard to take him out of his pain.
Especially as a cause of it. 
Especially since that is how he identifies. 

I know this. That is how I identified. 
I've been an angry person, wounded. 
By pretty much everyone in my life.... 

I've been hurt pretty badly and deeply. 
Yes, it made me angry. 
Because even after all the pain I've already been through....
I get MORE on top of the pain I've already been through?

But I have to keep going. 
Either that, or I let myself go.....
Or I just give up on life and just end it all.... 

Which has come across my mind a billion times.... 
That would be the easy way out. 
And life is not easy. Dealing with other people isn't easy.
Realizing our faults and our issues isn't easy.
AND then working on it.... On ourselves.... 
NOT EASY!!!!

Being candid on here, is easier than spilling to anyone. 
Because nobody knows who I am, 
unless they know me and few people who know me
know about this blog. 

And I don't know if any of this is doing any good....

I can talk about some of the things I went through, 
and some of the things I did that I wish I didn't.
And some things I wish I had done.... 

But none of that changes anything. It doesn't. 

All it can change, potentially, is to get people thinking. 
About how they can make some changes to themselves, 
their own lives. That's about it.

And yes, I've usually always had some issue
that was preventing me from dealing with my other issues.

Or I was using it as a reason that I can't focus
on my other issues.

And yes, a lot of the issues I have
caused other issues for me. 

When I could not solve or resolve an issue, 
it messed me up, mentally, emotionally. 
Sometimes worse than the actual issue. 

Because the fact that I couldn't solve it or resolve it
became an issue on its own. 

But others are responsible for their issues. 
Just like I am responsible for mine. 

And yes, I have to look at myself
for all that I am to blame for. 

And learn to do right. If I can. 
But that's all I can do. 
I can write about it.... 
I can attempt to change my life for the better. 
And attempt to tell people, show them, 
but it is still up to them what they see. In me. 
If they see anything good at all.... 
I can hope they do, but up to them if they do. 

Hard for me to even see good in myself
after being overall sh*tty. 

Anyway, guilt, grief, remorse, regret
means there's something in me
or I wouldn't feel bad about anything, ever.

I wouldn't be willing to look at myself. 
I wouldn't gaf about anything or anyone. 
I do, I didn't always, but I do. 

And I wasn't always able to show people that. 
And most people didn't show me that....

And it sucked. I let it cause me pain. 
And sometimes it can't be helped, it hits, HARD.
Very f*cking hard....