Issues

It's been a struggle. Especially this time around. 
Knowing I had a hand in it all falling apart... 
My therapist keeps saying: "Distract yourself"
"Stop living in the past."
"Have to move forward..." Etc.

"Talk to yourself like you would a friend."

To me, it's not about reliving all my mistakes etc. 
It's about FACING it and although I regret, deeply, making those mistakes... 
I can't go back in time to redo that...
All those crucial moments that were more crucial than I realized. 
Because I wasn't thinking about any of that. 
If I had realized a lot of the things I ended up realizing
back then, I would have probably handled a lot of things differently. 

Knowing that I wasn't the only one who dropped "the ball"
and knowing the ball wasn't always in my court, has helped a bit. 
It only helps so much... 

Because it wasn't JUST up to me. Others let me down, too. 
Life hasn't always been fair to me, either. 
I've had traumas and struggles, and stuff, too. 
People haven't seen things from my POV... 
And yes, I could have done more to see things from theirs, too. 

And it would have been easier to have been met in the middle, 
given more benefit of the doubt,
been shown more compassion and understanding.... 
And it doesn't always work like that... 

Because people see things from their POV instead of from mine. 
And it's always easier to react based on how we feel about things. 
How we feel about things affects how we think about it
and how we look at it... 
Determines how we see it.... 

But when we see it only from our eyes,
it's hard to see it from someone else's eyes. 
Especially when we aren't trying to... 

So I can write about this stuff on here... 
Some people do read it, a few... 
Maybe it makes some sense, maybe it doesn't... 

Just hard being misunderstood and then mistreated due to that... 
In so many aspects of life... 
It makes it so much harder. 
When people don't listen and they want me to listen to them.
Constantly... Without hearing anything I have to say. 
Without even wanting to.
Like nothing I have to say is relevant, or valid, 
worth considering, etc. 

Like I have to look at everything their way. All the time. 
It makes me not want to talk to many people
and when I do, it's hard to get the kind of feedback I need. 
Or want.... 

It gets to the point sometimes where I find myself validating
my own stance on some things
because even though others have a different stance, 
it seems like their stance seems to matter more than mine. 

So it's hard to have these kinds of conversations with most people. 
Because 1) Either they don't listen 2) They don't gaf....
3) They think completely differently
and 4) They want me to think the way they think. 
WITHOUT getting to see or know HOW I think
Or why I think the way I think about some things... 

And yes, there have been times I haven't thought the clearest. 
Or wasn't thinking much, at all. 
Or thinking about things that didn't actually matter as much
as I thought they did, at the time... 

There were times I didn't question the way I was thinking
or why I thought the way I thought... 
Or why I was acting the way I was acting, 
Or why I reacted the way I reacted... 
There were a lot of times I didn't question any of that.... 

I lived amongst people who never questioned themselves
so I didn't even look at that, that I could and should. 
They were not taking responsibility for themselves... 
And neither was I. 
And all I have are a life time of regrets now. 
Because I KNOW that I should have done better than I did. 
I have all kinds of shame that I didn't do better than I did. 

I feel like I lost everything that ever mattered to me.... 
And knowing that I am to blame for that.... 

"It's only killing you inside...."
It's easy for those who are not going through this to say that
and to say all kinds of things. 
But they are not me, they don't know WHY I feel the way I feel. 
Or even HOW I feel. They don't get it. 
Like I'm grieving a huge loss in my life. 
That I've had a hard time with
and I had hoped and hoped and hoped that I could
just get back with my son, and have him in my life again. 
And there were times we both weren't ready for it. 

And I understand his resentments. His father's, too. 
I wasn't the best parent, or partner. 
I really struggled and suffered a lot
and I didn't get the support I needed
and I know that my son isn't, either. 

And I know how lonely that feels. 
To struggle so much on our own.... 

As though nobody cares. 
Even the people who we are supposed to be close with. 

And it's not that I never cared about what my son's been through. 
There were times I have tried to help him, only to make matters worse. 
All because I didn't know how to help him. 
Even though I wanted to and still want to
because I do actually care about him, and love him. 

But the times I made things worse (without meaning to)
made it hard for him to ask me for help or want my help. 

And there are so many things that I want to talk to him about. 
That we didn't get to talk about. That he may not want to talk about... 
Because it seems that he does not want to talk to me about anything now... 
I was hoping that when he got older, it might be easier
to have an adult conversation with him... 
About some of these things, and more.... 

It's like most times when I've really tried to open up to people
and really tried to talk about some important things.... 
They either didn't want to listen... 
They don't understand or care to listen or understand... 
And it's been frustrating for me to try to communicate. 

I don't really have the verbal communication skills. 
I can put stuff like this into writing, but when it comes down to
putting what I want to say into words.... To talk about it... 
A lot of it comes out the wrong way, or not at all
the way I wanted it to come across... 
Things get lost in translation, too. 

"That's not what I meant or how I meant it."
"All I got from that was... (this)."
And it wasn't what I was going for. 
It seems they get what they want to get or take from it
and not what I was wanting to get across... 
Which makes it VERY frustrating. 
And they look at me from how they look at me, 
which adds to it all. 

Like if they looked at me differently, 
maybe they would actually listen to me, 
and actually get what I've been trying to tell them
this entire time.... 
Instead of marginalizing me, 
or penalizing me, or chastising me, 
or patronizing me... 
Or ignoring me, or tuning me out, etc. 

It's very rare that I feel heard. 
And very rare that I feel understood. 
Or valued, appreciated, loved, cared about, etc. 
Very rare... And all those feelings are feelings
that most people actually want to feel. 
And it is sad that very few people get to feel that way. 

I do understand what it feels to feel victimized,
powerless, unworthy, ignored.... 
A lot of negative feelings that are hard to cope with.  
Also negative feelings have us thinking in negative ways.... 
RESENTMENT tends to bring about other feelings, too. 

And it took me a long time to realize that I AM
responsible for my own feelings. 
And I can't expect or force others to CHANGE. 
And that sometimes it takes A LOT
FOR PEOPLE TO WAKE UP
AND REALIZE THEIR MISTAKES.... 

AND DO I HAVE TO DWELL ON EVERY MISTAKE I EVER MADE?
DOES FEELING GUILT AND SHAME ABOUT MY MISTAKES ENOUGH?
IS TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHO AND HOW I WAS ENOUGH?
WILL ANYTHING EVER BE ENOUGH?

NOT TO WANT TO BE WHO AND HOW I USED TO BE?
TO WANT TO CHANGE MY MIND?
TO WANT TO LOOK AT THINGS DIFFERENTLY?
TO WANT TO SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY?
TO ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING?
AND APPLY WHAT I LEARN, TO MY LIFE
SO THAT I CAN BECOME A DIFFERENT PERSON?
AND LEARN TO LIVE ANOTHER WAY?

I mean, back in the past.... When I started writing this blog... 
If you did deep on here, you might see where I was at.... 
Not that I encourage it, I'm just saying that you might see a slight difference. 

From when I wasn't questioning myself, compared to these times.... 
Because it wasn't occurring to me to do that. 
It didn't because it wasn't.... 

And even then.... If I had someone asking me the kind of questions
that C**** used to ask me.... It might have helped, 
but also, I might not have even been ready for that. 
A lot of the times people were trying to get me to look at myself... 
I was defensive and even angry with them for trying to make me do that. 

Because I was still in the mode of blaming everyone else
for the issues that I have. 
And at the same time, not blaming myself for causing my own issues... 
Not realizing I was to blame for that, not just how I was mistreated
and misunderstood, misinterpreted, etc. 

Like... I could be all like "I was abused and neglected...."
"This is the way that I am. Because of this, because of that...."
I could blame a lot of sh*t on my family, my upbringing, my parents, 
on a lot of people who "dropped the ball" on me. 
BUT HAVE I NOT DROPPED THE BALL ON MYSELF?
BY NOT QUESTIONING MYSELF?
BY NOT OPENING MY OWN EYES TO THE THINGS I DID WRONG?
HOW I CONTRIBUTED TO THINGS FALLING APART?
WHY LEAVE IT UP TO OTHERS TO QUESTION ME?
WHY WAS I NOT QUESTIONING MYSELF?

AND EVEN WHEN THEY QUESTIONED ME, 
JUDGED ME.... WHATEVER.... 
WHY DID IT NOT PROMPT ME TO QUESTION MYSELF?

And... How many people actually question themselves?
Instead of convincing themselves that their line of thinking... 
That gets them in the messes that they create for themselves....
Makes enough sense NOT to question themselves?

Most people do not want their beliefs questioned, 
and they also shoot down or circumnavigate
ANY questions that come forth, regarding themselves... 
Regarding their actions, their way of thinking... 
LITERALLY ANYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES
THAT ACTUALLY IS QUESTIONABLE.... 

So when I'm alone, I have more time to think about these things
than being around people that have me thinking about other things... 
Things that they think about, 
like trying to make my mind up for me.... 
Trying to convince me that "distracting" myself
instead of actually contemplating things
is the answer, when this is how I got here in the first place. 
I was "too distracted" and thinking about too much sh*t
that didn't and doesn't matter in the big scheme of things...
Looking at a lot of sh*t, th wrong way... 
When we are narrow minded.... It's harder
When we are closed minded.... It's harder.... 
Because it really narrows our views. 
And with a narrow view of things.... 
We can only see so much. 

And when we only see things the way we see them.... 
And the way we have already chosen to see them.... 
How much are we leaving unseen?

And only so much that we can see
with a very limited perspective.... 

And I know this because there was only so much that I was seeing.... 
I "dropped the ball" because of it. 
And I am not proud of that. 
When you start seeing so much more... 
Feelings of guilt and shame start coming up.... 
Guilty that I "dropped the ball." Shame. All of those feelings. 
Why? Because I wasn't seeing things I was supposed to?
Like "wake tf up, A***." 
"How could you have done x, y, or z?"
"Why weren't you doing a, b, or c?"

Just a lot of feelings that come up from that
and all I seem to get are things like "distract yourself."
Distracting myself from my feelings
isn't DEALING with my feelings, you know?

But what good is it to keep feeling a type of way
about past sh*t that I wish I could change, that I can't?
That I blamed on other past sh*t?
That I wasn't blaming myself for?

And "stop beating yourself up for it." 
doesn't make those feelings go away. 
Or change why I even feel those feelings in the first place.
And "distracting" myself isn't dealing with anything. 
"stop living in the past" isn't dealing with anything, either. 

Like when I'm finally ready to face sh*t, 
I have people telling me to just move forward with my life, 
but like... Moving forward, or trying to move forward
without dealing with this sh*t, isn't helping me, at all. 

And it's hard to EXPLAIN this to anyone.
My friends, anyone. Even my so-called therapist.... 
Because they don't get that "distracting" myself, 
isn't dealing with how and why I got to where I am today.... 

So just hanging out "gets my mind off it" for a while.... 
But obviously, after so many years of not thinking about it
and not dealing with any of it, it piles up. 
And trying to explain this stuff to people
who tell me sh*t like "stop living in the past."
EVEN THOUGH ALL MY ISSUES
WERE CAUSED BY PAST EVENTS, 
AND SH*T I DIDN'T PROCESS, OR PROCESS PROPERLY
BECAUSE I COULDN'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT....
AND THE PEOPLE I TRIED TO TALK TO ABOUT IT.... 
ABOUT ALL THIS F*CKING BAGGAGE AND SH*T.... 

"Stop living in the past" is easy enough to say
for people who let go of everything and just moved forward
without processing anything, without thinking about anything, 
without questioning anything, or even learning from anything... 
Who didn't have the same kinds of experiences etc... 

And yes, baggage is bondage. A lot of it is emotional
because "this thing" that happened to me "this many years ago"
still "makes me feel this way."
And because it still "makes me feel this way...."
I'm still going to live my life like this... 
Even though I'm not happy living my life like this.... 

And this is part of the issue for MANY people, 
but they are NOT DEALING WITH IT.
1) Because they aren't taught how to deal with it. 
2) They feel it is too hard to deal with it
3) If they deal with it, they'll have to deal with all kinds of other things.... 

And I lived MOST of my life not dealing with it. 
For those reasons and other reasons. 
Like I was given all kinds of sh*tty advice by people
who aren't dealing with their own sh*t, 
but "want to help" 
but aren't helping.... 

I mean "stop living in the past.... "
Can only get you so far. 
But when the things we have to deal with
are related to past sh*t.... 
And we litterally refused to deal with sh*t.... 
It piles up. To the point that it's hard to deal with. 

And therapy is sometimes misleading. 
Because "distracting" myself
is giving myself permission not to deal with sh*t. 
And this is a common theme. In society. 
Because there's all kinds of sh*t to distract ourselves with
that doesn't actually matter
and it seems that as a whole, we became addicted to distracting ourselves?

"Having a bad day? Distract yourself with memes...."
Do the memes teach you how to deal with the sh*t
that you're distracting yourself from?
Are you dealing with it?

And how much can you deal with
when a lot of sh*t is actually out of your control?
And how much is actually with our control that seems like it's not?

I tried to tell my therapist today....
Distracting myself is like living in denial
of the things I've been trying to face. 
Like when you're finally ready to face yourself...
And people keep telling you not to, 
and just watch TV, play a game, get high, 
don't think about it... HOW TF IS THAT HELPING?

And trying to ASK THEM THAT....
ASK THEM WHY THEY DON'T QUESTION THEMSELVES?
ASK THEM WHY THEY SEEM TO HAVE AN ISSUE
WITH ME QUESTIONING MYSELF.... 
AND QUESTIONING THEM....
When they tell me sh*t that isn't f*cking helpful in the least.... 

And still needing to find or discover what is actually helpful. 
And learn how to deal with this sh*t. 
So that I can deal with other sh*t.... 
Instead of being a person who just "distracts" themselves.... 
With games, and shows, and other sh*t.... 
Get what I'm saying here? Anyone?

This is the stuff I want to be able to talk to my therapist about... 
And I've come to realize that A LOT of the advice I got
from most people really didn't help me at all
and actually set me back... 

I get that a lot of people seeing myself isolate from a lot of people
think that I'm only wallowing in my own misery. 
And I get that the times I was feeling sorry for myself, 
I was actually feeling sorry for myself. 
And that feeling sorry for myself 
WAS NOT DEALING WITH ANYTHING.
Expressing my feelings about sh*t.... 
From a limited POV only got me so far.... 

AND NOBODY WHO IS FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES
WANTS TO HEAR THAT THEY ARE ONLY FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES. 

NOBODY WHO DOESN"T WANT TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN SH*T
WANTS TO ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THEIR OWN SH*T.

AND LIVING IN A SOCIETY THAT ONLY DISTRACTS THEMSELVES
WITH STUPID SH*T LIKE SOCIAL MEDIA, OR WHATEVER NONSENSE...
INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH SH*T...
Kind of COMPOUNDS it.... 

I know, because there's a lot I never dealt with. 
Or took responsibility for. 
And instead of taking responsibility for sh*t, 
I turned to things like alcohol. 
Instead of working on changing my mind, 
all I did was alter it. 

Altering my mind wasn't altering my reality. 
It never changed anything. Therefore nothing changed
and neither did I. Sh*t actually got worse. 
In so many ways.... 

Because instead of people saying "it's great that you're taking responsibility
for the problems you caused, that you're ready to face things.... 
And this is how to do it, and DEAL with it...."

I get "stop beating yourself up for this and this and this."
People who aren't taking responsibility for the problems that they caused...
Who aren't looking at themselves or trying to face their issues.... 

And yeah, I want to do more than just blog about it. 
I actually want to make some headway. 
Whether anyone sees the headway I want to make.

AND NOT WASTE TIME DISTRACTING MYSELF.
I look back on how much time I actually wasted. 
BEING DISTRACTED!!!
SO DISTRACTED THAT I COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING!

Being oblivious to how unaware I was....
NEVER GOT ME ANYWHERE.

Blaming my actions and reactions on how I felt at the time.... 
Didn't get me anywhere... 

SO where am I now?
Done wasting so much time that I can't get back?

And do I sacrifice any enjoyment or any false security
TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUES AT HAND?
So they don't get worse?

But being around people who don't get what I'm going through
is not helping me. 

EVEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS.... 
IT SEEMS FRUITLESS AND A WASTE OF ENERGY.

It's like a huge pivotal point that they haven't quite reached. 
"OH! THIS IS WHAT I KEPT AND KEEP DOING WRONG!"
"OH! I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP BEING THIS WAY...."

But at the same time, most people want me to think like they do.
AND ALL THE ADVICE I TOOK 
REALLY SET ME BACK.... 

Even though they told me I was doing the right thing.... 
DID IT F*CKING HELP AT ALL? NO? 
SO WHY DID I DO IT?

And the same people who told me I was doing the right thing
turn around and tell me that the system s broken. 
And are we the product of a broken system?
Or broken families?
In what ways do we break ourselves and blame it on "the system"?
Or the fact that our parents realized
that they weren't actually compatible as partners?
Or that our parents blamed each other for things
that were actually their own fault?
Or that one parent alienated us from the other parent?
Or that society has us believing a bunch of horsesh*t?
Blame all the facts, not ourselves about anything.... 

How much of it is the environment?
How much of it is ourselves?

I'm not saying that our environment has no affect on us. It does. 
Being in a dysfunctional family affected me in a lot of ways. 
Being around people who've been so toxic and clueless.... 
Who just distract themselves and not deal with their issues
and try to act like it's your issue that they have issues.... 
NOT theirs... It affected me a lot. 
So I'm not saying it has zero effects... 

But there comes a time when we have to FACE sh*t
about ourselves. Why we became the way we became.... 
Why we act the way we act, make changes etc. 
But telling someone to distract themselves?

Like "I see it hurts. I can see why it hurts."
"You're only hurting yourself by acknowledging your pain."
DOES NOT MAKE IT HURT LESS.

It's like telling someone who has chronic physical pain 
that they are only hurting themselves
by acknowledging their pain.... 
"Stop beating yourself up."

But doctors are like: "Just take these pills."
To deal with your emotional pain. 
To deal with traumatic sh*t that happened to you. 
Or telling someone to "just cheer up."
"Distract yourself on social media."
"Go look at some funny memes..." 
"Just go buy yourself something nice."
"Go set up your Christmas tree."

This isn't the way to deal with anything. 
It's not. And no matter how many times I try
to tell anyone these things.... 
They don't f*cking hear me. 

There is a difference between taking responsibility for things,
and facing them, and beating yourself up for those things. 
And the people who only see it as me beating myself up for things... 
Don't get it. Because they can't.
Because they don't see and don't want to see where they went wrong. 
Because most of them don't even want to admit they are wrong. 

Yes, I should have seen that I was wrong a long time ago. 
It probably would have made a huge difference. 
In my life, in my son's life... 
Had I been willing to see that. 
Had I been willing to see that it was about what he wanted and needed, too. 

And I want to talk about these things with my son. 
And I don't know if it would make a difference, at this point. 
A lot of damage has been caused. 

Not seeing a bunch of things until now makes me look very stupid. 
Especially since a lot of it is supposed to be common sense. 
"Mom's so blind" doesn't make him want to talk to me. 
"Mom couldn't see how this would affect me."
Does he see how he has been affecting me?

And if we affect each other.... Without talking about it.... 
It makes it really hard to have a relationship. 

And when we can't see what the issues are.... 
Or we don't address the issues... 
The issues become an issue. 

And it's NOT our kids' JOBS to address our issues. 
Or even how they are affected by our issues. 
It's not. 

BUT OBVIOUSLY IT IS THE PARENTS' JOB
TO TRY TO ADDRESS THE KIDS' ISSUES.
Because their issues become an issue. 
They affect other people. 

To leave sh*t unaddressed is an issue. 
And "why should I listen to my mother? She has issues." Is an issue. 

And yes, I have an issue with other people's issues. 
Like my brother's temper. 
His anger issues that he's not addressing. 
That should have been addressed a long time ago. 
I've had anger issues, too. 
I've learned bad habits, an issue. 
I've taught bad habits, an issue. 

All the stupid sh*t I learned or picked up....
All my dysfunctions... All my inabilities... 
Did they play a role in the mistakes I made? Yes. 
Does "We all make mistakes" make it okay to make mistakes? Not convinced.
Can we learn from the mistakes we make and others made? Yes.
"I made a mistake" is different from saying "I made an unwise choice."

And when they are already justifying the stupid sh*t they do... 
Based on stupid beliefs they have... 
How can we get them to see how it's stupidity?
If they "justify" it, they refuse to see that it's wrong. 
I know this because I used to justify a lot of stupid sh*t. 
And it took a long time for me to see how stupid it was. 
And how much time I wasted. 
Convincing myself that a lot of stupid shit
I should never have done was okay. 
Because it wasn't and it's not. 

And calling myself out on sh*t
isn't the same as "beating myself up" over it. 
I just happen to have a lot of sh*t that I wasn't calling myself out on. 
That nobody was. 

Maybe because they thought it was pointless. 
Maybe because they thought I'd never change.

But a lot of the time, people don't like being called out on sh*t. 
Because it means that the things they try to justify
aren't actually justifiable
so they'd rather defend themselves
and give a bunch of reasons or excuses 
instead of saying: "hey, I'm calling myself out on this."
"Because it is necessary to take responsibility for this."

It's that when nobody makes them take responsibility for it, 
they think they don't have to. 
And when they don't see others taking responsibility for their sh*t
they think they don't have to. 

Even responsibility for their own emotions. 
I've been in a family where things people did or didn't do
"made us angry"
Instead of realizing that we got angry about those things. 

Because those things shouldn't have happened. 
Because people shouldn't be allowed to do sh*t
just because they feel like doing it. 

Yet we see it all the time. 
I've done and said sh*t out of anger before. 
And at the time, I justified it. 
Doesn't mean it was right. 
Doesn't mean I should have done those things. 
Doesn't mean I'm proud I did that sh*t.
Or was the person who did that sh*t. 
No matter how I tried to justify it. 

I justified other stupid sh*t. 
Doesn't mean it was right, either. 

Doesn't mean it was mature, either. 

I want to tell these things to my son. 
I want him to understand. 
I want to open his eyes. 

I want him to see that I see all of this and more, now.
I'm mad at myself for not seeing it sooner. 
The fact that I didn't, has been an issue.
It caused a lot of issues between him and I.
A lot of issues for the both of us. 

Another fact is that he likely sees things the way I used to. 
And it took me so long to get to this point. Too long. 

Also, his opinion of me is pretty low due to these facts. 
Which is an issue.
Because, generally speaking, people don't tend to listen to people
who they have a low opinion of.