Emotionally, I've been all over the place...
Feeling bad that I f*cked up my relationship with my son...
That I let my addictions and stupid choices
and myself getting in the way affect all of that...
It's been really hard.
Because I know what he needed from me,
but I wasn't in the right mind to give him what he needed
at all times.... I also had things I thought I needed
which turns out that I didn't actually need
and what he needed matters more.
Recognizing certain things, now, is really hard.
Because I wish I had done so much better than I did.
And I know it left him feeling like he didn't matter to me
and that I wasn't going to ever give him what he needed from me,
emotionally or otherwise. So I know how he is feeling about me.
And I don't know how to fix this.
I don't know how to show him
that I do actually care about him and love him.
Because I know that it seems like I don't.
Because I've been inconsiderate and selfish in the past.
And not only this, but the times I've reached out to him lately,
I really tried to pour my heart out to him
to let him know that I still care and still want a relationship with him.
And I don't want him to think that I was just saying those thing
because I thought he needed to or wanted to hear my admissions...
I wanted him to know that I see where I went wrong.
And I told him all the things I should have done and wished I had done.
In hopes that he might understand that I do have regrets.
That I do feel bad about the things I did wrong.
And that I needed help to see what I was doing wrong
and at times, why it was wrong.
Even if I was wanting to do the right thing,
but ended up trying to do it in the wrong way.
Which has pretty much been the story of my life.
Sometimes recognition and admitting things shows that you're aware.
And awareness counts when someone was unaware for a long time
and that unawareness (for whatever reason they were unaware)
has caused a lot of issues.
And a lot of it was not seeing how certain things would be seen.
Just expecting people to accept things (that weren't acceptable)
and hard for them to just accept...
Because sometimes we have to balance out trying to live our lives
and having a relationship with someone else
and having a relationship with someone who is not thinking straight
and thinking mostly about themselves is really challenging.
And I've been on both sides of this as someone's child,
and as someone's parent.
And certain lessons are supposed to be taught at a young age.
So that their capacity to understand etc forms correctly.
As a young parent.... As stupid as this will sound...
I wasn't as mindful of my son's development
and I've been underdeveloped in a lot of ways
because my parents were not mindful of mine.
I feel guilty AF looking back on this.
Because I was concerning myself with other things
and overlooking that which was MORE important
than ANYTHING I was focusing on.
All of this, all my mistakes...
Are catching up to me in the worst ways.
Because had I done what I was supposed to be doing
and should have been doing,
some things would and could be very different now.
I wasn't and now it isn't.
Because I wasn't being responsible.
I was not holding myself accountable, either.
Instead, I wanted to try to justify my poor choices.
And defend them, instead of realizing what changes I had to make
and what changes my son needed me to make.
And this is the kind of thing that I needed from my mother, too.
I needed her to see that she has not been holding herself accountable
and she kept justifying her poor choices and defended herself all the time
instead of maybe looking at some changes she could have made
that I needed her to make.
It goes to show us that people won't hold themselves accountable
unless they actually want to and are willing to.
After being non-accountable for our own mistakes for so long,
doesn't make us want to be and doesn't make us willing to be...
And even some HUGE wake up calls doesn't wake us up...
Especially when we blame others for being "asleep"
for why we keep ourselves "asleep."
Because at some point we think that if they can get away with it, so can we...
Or "they didn't teach me this, so I couldn't teach this..."
And if society teaches something that goes against what we are trying to teach...
It's really hard to unlearn what society taught us.
Most things society teaches us isn't useful
and sometimes it goes against the beliefs that we formed
based on some conclusions we reached on our own
based on our own ignorance...
Those beliefs are really hard to change.
Really hard.
And impulsive behaviors etc
are really hard to curb, too.
Especially if they are mood based behaviors.
I'm learning all this from therapy
and from reflecting on things I needed to think about,
that it didn't occur to me to think about...
And wish I had thought about before.
And thinking about these things has brought up some stuff.
Some points that needed to be made to me a long time ago,
some things I needed to realize,
things that needed to be addressed a long time ago...
Feelings about how long it took to wake up...
And everything that came from this...
And lead up to this...
And feelings about myself...
Feeling very ineffective and insecure and all kinds of feelings...
Sometimes learning things late is better than not...
And sometimes we learn thing too late...
And sometimes we want to do things with the things we learn,
and teach the things we learn,
but can't teach people who don't want to be taught.
When I was in my 20s, early 20s...
People have tried to help me
and I got angry because I felt like they didn't understand.
Why I was feeling the way I felt, etc.
And there were times I made matters even worse
by trying to intervene, but I was actually interfering.
Because I felt that I had to, but still went about it the wrong way.
And it would have been better in another way...
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