The Impact

 It says in this book.... A few things....
That I want to note before my appointment starts today.

It says that childhood trauma
can have endless effects
on someone's development.
And it can be complex.

Emotional abuse, other types of abuse, 
neglect, witnessing domestic violence....
Can interfere with a child's:
-Psychological
-Social
-Emotional
Development.

And people can get consumed with strong emotions.
I know that I can.
With sadness and anger.
Although I'm not as angry as I used to be, 
anger is still a reaction to pain.
Like I was saying that it's a reaction
to the unfairness and injustice
of being put through things
that weren't my fault, 
that I feel like I shouldn't have been put through....

There are ways that people manage distress and trauma
that aren't healthy, but that is all they have 
to try to manage it at the time....

Like I used to cut myself.
I understand why others do it.
Because I used to do it.

To me, it was like punishing myself
for things that I felt were my fault, 
even though they actually weren't.
And physically healing was still healing.
It wasn't emotionally healing, 
only physically healing, 
but it was still healing.
If that makes any sense.

Sadness and anger are said to be
a direct result of trauma.

It goes on to say that having memories of trauma
is "suffocating" which probably is what triggers the anxiety.

"The ability to concentrate declines
because of unwanted and intrusive thoughts."

I get that. I still get unwanted and intrusive thoughts.
Like my thoughts about suicide.
I doubt that people actually want to think
about killing themselves
let alone how to kill themselves....
I still get those thoughts. A lot. 
I know that I probably won't do it, 
but the thoughts still come up.

And it is common to "seesaw"
between independance and insecurity.
In the book, the section is talking about TEENS and trauma.
I still seesaw between these as an adult.

With a friend telling me
that if he has to talk to me constantly
to make me feel secure
that he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

And maybe I went to the police
for a sense of security in the situation, 
but they couldn't do anything about it.

And a counsellor told me today
that she thinks I did what I did with good intentions.
And that I did it for safety reasons.
Which I did.... But they still couldn't do anything
so I was probably supposed to handle this another way.
But I did what I did for "safety reasons."
Like at the hospital, if you're allowed
to have a pencil, you're not allowed to have a sharpener
"for safety reasons."

Anyway.... Two very different things....

The symptoms of distress in the book.....
I've been experiencing all of them.

Strong emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety....
Overreacting to minnor irritations
Repeatedly thinking about events
(and talking about it often) or writing about it, in my case.
Disturbed sleeping patterns.
Withdrawing from family and friends
Wanting to spend more time alone
Being protective of family and friends
Returning to younger ways of behaving
(giving up responsibilities
or sudden return to rebellious ways)
Increase need for independance
Self-absorption and caring only about
what is immediately important
Lost interest in school, friends, family, hobbies
and in life in general
Pessimistic outlook on life, being cynical,
and distrusting others
Depression and feelings of hopelessness
Difficulty with short-term memory,
concentration, and problem-solving

I'm still seeking help, tools, and treatment.
I'm still writing about TEENS and trauma.

And I still feel bad I reacted the way I reacted.
I probably should have let him open up to me more.
And he trusted me with what he was telling me.
Which was a big thing for me and for him.

I ruined that by reacting the way I reacted
and now the trust is gone and the communication is gone.

Hard to talk to or want to talk to
someone you don't trust anymore....

All these are symptoms TEENS usually get,
but almost all of them are symptoms I've been getting.

It says in the book, if we don't make a new internal map
as we grow up, our old ways of seeing the world
affects how we function as an adult.

And that we carry emotional wounds into adulthood.
And it results in creating a "false self"

When we are kids, hurt and not 'protected' by our parents
we tend to try to become the children we think
that our parents want.
Which results in trying to bury our feelings
to try to get our needs met in some way.
We do this by creating a 'false self'
Which is the person that the outside world sees.

When we hide our feelings, we lose touch with who we really are.

(I'm thinking this happens more with boys than girls
because boys are taught not to talk about their feelings).

Hiding our feelings is a way to try to protect ourselves even more
from being hurt more.... But it doesn't let us be "seen."

A lot of it is that most people are not taught
how to express their feelings and told not to.
So they don't learn how to do it.
Even as adults....
They are just grown kids who were told
not to cry or go to their bedroom
whenever they had a tantrum.

So they are not taught ways of expressing their feelings.
Anger, pain, sadness etc.

And so even when they are allowed to express how they feel, 
they don't know how to express it, let alone manage it.

And that is an issue that I have as an adult.
And an issue that my son has.
That I can't talk to him about.

And because I didn't learn it, 
I couldn't teach him. 
And I couldn't teach him things
that he refused to learn 
and refused to let me teach him, 
but he blames me for not teaching him.

As a parent, it was my job to teach him things.
And his father's job to teach him thiings, too. 
We ended up doing things for him
instead of teaching him to do them himself.
Which was easier than him refusing to learn these things, 
but didn't help him in the long run.

It's that had he wanted to learn
when he was supposed to learn, 
and put the effort into learning,
he would have learned.
When he was supposed to.
Because I didn't have an issue teaching him some things,
but him living with his father made it hard, too.
And his father didn't teach him a bunch of things.

I was also left to learn a lot of things on my own.

Anyway, healing isn't a complete rebuild....
It's acceptance of things. And realizing some other things.
It doesn't erase what happened to us.
It just releases the "horridness" and lessens the impact on us.