Reading The Book

 Reading the book C***** suggested to me.
He said he thought of me when he saw it.
I think of him when I read it.

I have an appointment today, 
and two tomorrow.
So hopefully, that will help.

Been thinking about looking more into
W.R.A.P.... Wellness Recovery Action Plan.
And reading more of this book.
It's not a long book.
The other book, about BPD is longer.

Had a dream about a coffee shop.
A lady owned it and started doing well with it.
Started making friends in her new city because of it.

And I was supposed to go with my brother to an arcade, 
but I got off the bus at some point
and the bus and my brother left without me.

In the dream, I learned how to levitate horizotally.
I couoldn't levitate standing up, yet.

Anyway, I was walking in the direction the bus went.
To hopefully catch up to my brother....

Some guy started walking with me.
A guy I didn't know.
He kept grabbing me around the waist,
and I had to tell him to stop.
It wasn't appropriate
and it was making me feel uncomfortable.

I have weird dreams.

Around the time I woke up,
there was a video playing
where a guy walks around in the U.S
and he was filming for Youtube.
And he goes live....

I guess I was hearing his voice, 
but he made it into my dream somehow.

Embracing change is really hard.
I don't know why. 
Probably because it doesn't feel good.

I can give to a situation, and to a person, 
but in the end, they are going to do what they want to do.
And if that has nothing to do with me, 
that has nothing to do with me.

I'd hoped that I would be close with my son, 
but he and I are not close.
And may never be close
because of how I reacted to the things he told me.

Even before that, he was in and out of my life.
For many years.... That really hurt.
I had to get over it every time he left.
Again and again and again. 
The same pain, continuously.
The pain of not being close, like I wished that we were,
and the pain of him ghosting me. Again. 
With hope that he'd come back.

One day, everyone who pulled disappearing acts with me
are going to lose me for good.
They won't get to keep coming in and leaving me.
The ones who are only in my life
when they want something from me....
They won't have me to ask anymore.

They only used me. Literally.
Whenever I needed someone....
Like when I was injured.... Or whatever....
They were never there for me and
they weren't there for my son. 
So my son never learned to be there
for someone when they needed him.
Nobody was there for him when he needed them.
And they took him from me
so I didn't even get to be there for him
and he blamed me for that
when it wasn't up to me.
If I got to control the outcomes, 
things would be very different, 
but I didn't get to do that.
I still don't.

I was there for my Grandmother because I wanted to be.
I could have been like my cousins, most of them
and not given her the time of day, 
but I knew that wasn't right.
And that's what's been happening to me.

Usually the ones who'd be there for others
have nobody there for them.

My step-father posted something on his wall
"When there's anger, be silent."
He's never been silent when he's angry.
He's the epitome of rage.

And they are mad at me
for not contacting them
about being in the hospital.
And had I wanted to, I would have.
Had they wanted to be there for me....
They would have been, right?
So why should THEY be angry at ME?
Because they couldn't get what they wanted from me?!
Well I never got what I needed from them....
It goes both ways....
And they should know that.
They would never even LISTEN to me....
So why should I call them?
Just because they wanted me to?
I'm supposed to be the good daughter?
Well where are my good parents?

Who call me just because they wanted to? Nope.
So they can't expect anything from me
since I can't expect anything from them.
Not because the hospital called my mother....
And I'll fix it so they won't do it again.

I have had to take care of myself....
The best that I can.
When everyone expected me to be there for them.
Even those who were NEVER there for me.

Because what THEY wanted
mattered MORE than what I wanted....
Even more than what I needed....

And even THEN, I was STILL there for them
when THEY needed ME....
Because it was the right thing to do.
I sacrificed myself for those
who would never even think twice about me.

And now they whine. 
Because I don't acknowledge them
when they wanted me to.

Do they think about WHY that might be?
So they have nothing to say about me to everyone?
So they can't talk about me behind my back?
Except to say that I wouldn't call them?

So what?! Do they miss me?
Do they even want me around?
Do they even care about me?

Only when it suits them to care....
Otherwise, they don't.
So why should I?

And when I want to die....
Then I get a call....
Like they can't let go of someone
who was always there when they wanted me to be there....
When they expected me to be there
so that they could get what they wanted from me....

And I can't ask them for anything?
I can't get help with an injury?
Or with anything?
They wouldn't even stick up for me?
Or stand up for me?

Anyway... They should ASK themselves WHY.
Why I've been quiet and sticking to myself....
As always. Why I stopped telling them
what I've been going through....

And I can't tell them anything, either.
I can't tell them how it FEELS.
BECAUSE THEY DGAF. THAT'S WHY.

AND WHENEVER THEY NEEDED SOMEONE....
WHO WAS THERE FOR THEM?! I WAS.

WHO WAS THERE FOR ME?! WHO?!
SO F*CK RIGHT OFF!!!!
LIKE THEY DO WHEN I NEED ANYONE....
LIKE THEY DO ALWAYS.

I ALWAYS MADE IT THROUGH WITHOUT THEM.
THEY TAKE MY STRENGTH FOR GRANTED.
THEY NEVER 'NEEDED' TO BE THERE
BECAUSE I HAD NO CHOICE
BUT TO MAKE IT THROUGH ON MY OWN.....
SO F*CK RIGHT OFF!!!!

DID THEY CARE WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH?
NO!!!!! BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM.....
AND WHEN THEY CALLED ME
WHICH WAS SO F*CKING RARE,
AND ONLY BECAUSE THEY WANTED SOMETHING....
I WAS SUPPOSED TO JUST PICK THAT CALL RIGHT UP
LIKE WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?!

Like if someone comes into my life
and actually takes me seriously.....
I get suspicious. Like TGTBT.
Too good to be true....

And had people not trust me
because they were like TGTBT.

Someone HONEST? 
Someone who won't cheat on me?
Someone I can trust with my friends?
Someone who won't steal from me?
Someone who'll be there for me?
Wants to be there for me?
TGTBT.

Someone who wants a healthy relationship with me....?
With ME? How am I supposed to trust that
when nobody has wanted to?

When all someone knows is abuse....And dysfunction
and they actually want something healthy....
And when they get the chance to have something healthy....
They go back to the abuse and suffering.
Because that's why they know.

Like when someone has the choice to eat healthy....
And they turn to the food they are used to eating. 
All that junk....

And to make me TRUST....
They have to help me see it.
That it is good for me.
That they are good for me.

And then I might be open to changes.
Good changes.

It's easy to think something is bad
when it's actually a good thing. 
And then we push away the good thing, 
thinking it's a bad thing.
Like "I'm just going to get hurt again."
"I have to protect myself."
From a good thing? A healthy thing?

The thing is that I don't know
how to be with someone who is good for me.
I ended up with guys who were not good for me.
While waiting and wanting things to be good 
and to be better.
I was with one guy who was good for me.
I broke up with him and hurt him
because I was not good for him.
And because I'm a f*cking idiot.

And if I ever even have a shot at healthy love....
It'll be in my 40s. Because I can't see it happening for me
anytime soon....
And I feel like I wasted a lot of time.
Trying to get things right
with people who weren't trying to get things right with me.....

And feeling LIKE I WAS NEVER WORTHWHILE.
AND STILL FEELING LIKE THAT.

AND TIMES OTHERS TRIED TO WORK THINGS OUT
WITH ME, I WOULDN'T LET THEM
BECAUSE IT WAS TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.
AND THEY DIDN'T DO IT THE RIGHT WAY, EITHER.

Like the last time I saw ****.
He finally told me that he was still f*cking his 'ex.'
Literally the whole time that
I WAS WAITING FOR HIM.....
While we were in bed together....
And I waited SO F*CKING LONG FOR THAT....
Like he has no f*cking idea.
How that even FELT to me....
HOW IT ALL FELT TO ME.....
BECAUSE HE DGAF.

And what did he say?
"I'll f*ck you, too. I don't care if she finds out."
Like I was still just going to be a secret
and she was still going to be his first choice....
WHEN HE WAS THE ONE I WAITED FOR
THE ONE I WANTED TO BE WITH....
THE WHOLE F*CKING TIME.....
AND THAT IS HOW HE TREATED ME....

So... That was the last time I saw him. 
Because it hurt so f*cking bad
that I just wanted to leave and I left.
And he couldn't see why I left.
He just saw that I left.

And he was like "Fine! Be that way!
See if I care!" He didn't say that, 
but that is how he acted.
He couldn't see why I left that night.
Or wtf he did to me....
What he knew he was doing to me.....
And he just got with someone else after that.

He couldn't see that I loved him.
He couldn't see that he hurt me. Badly, deeply.

And it's like nobody can see me. Ever.

I loved him since I was a little girl FFS.
I told him that. I told him how I felt about him. 
I told him many times. So he f*cking KNEW.
But he did that to me anyway.....

Whether he believed me or not....
That was on him.
And it was on him to TELL me.
WAY BEFORE all of that....
When he KNEW the only place I wanted to be
WAS WITH HIM, IN HIS ARMS.
HE F*CKING KNEW THAT
AND STILL DID THAT TO ME.

Anyway, that was the last time I saw him.
And chances are I probably won't see him again. 
And he wouldn't pay me back
because he knew that was the last time he'd see me.

And he can blame ME for walking away.
Because I did that night.
But he'll never take the blame for that.

Never apologize for doing that to me....

And he'd still blame
WHAT HE THOUGHT I WAS DOING TO HIM
THAT I WOULD NEVER DO TO HIM.
BECAUSE I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
AND IF HE THINKS I AM, 
THEN HE NEVER F*CKING KNEW ME. PERIOD.

EVEN WHEN HIS BROTHER CAME ONTO ME.
I TOLD HIM.
I WAS GOING TO LET IT SLIDE.
BECAUSE I WAS TELLING HIS BROTHER
THAT IT WAS WRONG TO COME ONTO ME.
HIS WIFE JUST HAD HIS BABY LIKE A MONTH BEFORE....
AND I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ****.

HE CAME ONTO HIS OTHER BROTHER'S GIRL, TOO.
AND THAT'S WHEN I TOLD HIM. NOT WHEN IT HAPPENED.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO CAUSE DRAMA.
AND DIDN'T WANT TO PIN THEM AGAINST EACH OTHER.
EVEN THOUGH APPARENTLY
I WAS NEVER HIS GIRL ANYWAY.

BUT HE GOT JEALOUS OF MY GUY FRIENDS.
EVEN THOUGH HE HAD NO REASON TO BE.
BECAUSE WHENEVER HE WANTED TO SEE ME
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.

EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE TIMES
THAT I TURNED HIM DOWN
FOR ALL THE TIMES HE LET ME DOWN
FOR CANCELLING OUR PLANS
AT THE LAST MINUTE
TO APPARENTLY GO F*CK HIS 'EX.'

Anyway, I wrote about it all for a couple of month.
Back when I was going through all of this. 
And I still loved him. 
And still wanted him to fight FOR me, 
FOR us, to BE WITH ME.
BUT HE NEVER DID.
BECAUSE HE NEVER WANTED ME, PERIOD.
HE KNEW WHAT HE HAD TO DO.
BUT NEVER WANTED TO DO IT.
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT ME.

AND APPARENTLY NEVER KNEW ME.
If he thought that I'd do what he did to me. To him.

And if a guy wanted something REAL with me....
He knows what he needs to do.
So that I can see that he does.
Otherwise, TGTBT.
Or EVIDENTLY NOT.

And who would want some crazy girl?
Who tells them how she feels?
Who wants to talk about things?
Address things? 
WHO WON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR BROTHER.

Anyway, I'm just tired.
Tired of trying, of failing. 
Of others failing me....

ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO I THOUGHT WOULDN'T.
WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME. EVER.
I WAS WRONG.

And these are the same guys who wonder
where all the good girls are.... The loyal ones.
But they'd rather be with those girls.
Who did cheat on them, who did hurt them.... IDK why.

But it's okay. If I never fall in love again....
Then I don't get hurt again. 
Then I don't hurt myself....

And I really just don't see it happening for me.
And I still just want him to be happy. In his life.
Without me.

Like he feels hurt that I LEFT.
AND I ONLY LEFT BECAUSE HE HURT ME.
But he doesn't see that.....
HOW CAN HE NOT SEE THAT?!

HOW CAN NOBODY WHO HAS HURT ME
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
SEE THAT THEY HURT ME?!
IS IT NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT? AT ALL?

AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UPSET
THAT THEY HURT ME?!
DO I HAVE NO RIGHTS TO MY OWN FEELINGS?

Anyway, it seems like I don't.
Have a right to my own feelings....

I don't know how they can be so blind
and f*cking heartless. I don't.

I didn't mean to get into all that.....
But that's stuff that I still need to heal from.
And stuff that still hurts.
If it still hurts, it still needs to heal.

And apparently, I have to be alone
to heal from some things.... Idk.
Not like I even trust very many people anymore.

Even the ones who were being nice to me 
and being good to me
were being nice and good
because they wanted something from me....
Not just because they wanted to be.
And that f*cking hurt, too.
Makes it hard to trust. It really does.