Many Times

Anyway, done writing about "love"
and all that stuff. Idk where that came from....
It must have been on my mind, somehow...

Even if it's not really consciously on my mind. 
Because, like I said, I have some things to work out.
Even if I have to come to terms with it....
Even though it's f*cking hard to come to terms with.

And others have their own fears
and their own insecurities...
And that doesn't have anything to do with me. 
Even if I have a mental illness...
It has to do with them. 
And my stuff has to do with me, 
dealing with things I've gone through, 
still going through....

And it's a lot of work for me, 
that I'm getting help for....

It's like I have to give myself a chance
to deal with these things
because I have to. 
Because lingering pain
can turn into a deeper wound,
even when we think it's not....

Even when we think we're 'ready.'

Because I thought I was ready before.....
When I still had work to do, 
so I have to just put my head down
and keep doing the work
on myself.....

Despite what other people around me, think of me.
Because I'm not always what they think of me. 

And they aren't always what I thought of them, either.

People can get the wrong idea about people.
I have, before. I might, again. 
People have about me, too. Many times.

I've messed things up by expecting things to happen
when I wanted them to happen
and not when and how they had to happen.

I told people that I would wait if there was a chance, 
but I would not wait for nothing. 

I don't like that whole "false hope" thing.
And I get that others don't either. 
And it's not like me to do that, intentionally.

But I do get my guard up. 
Because I don't want to experience pain.
I get that others do that, too. 
For that reason. 

And when things get too much
or get too intense, they pull back....
So I get that, too. 
I feel like I've always just been too much for everyone. 
Because I clearly have issues.
And most people would not want to be involved with me.
So I have to accept that.

But it's not cool of them to lead me on
and not cool of me to do that, to them.
And I really don't want to play with anyone's heart.
I know how that feels.

And just because I have a lot of love to give
doesn't mean that it's going to automatically work out.
Because that doesn't mean that it will.

And I have to accept that, too.
That is pretty hard to accept, but.....
I have two choices:
Accept it or fight it all the way....
And be sad and mad when it doesn't.....

Counselling is pretty important....
And I shouldn't have stopped going. 
I had a pretty good counsellor.

But I gave my spot to someone else
who probably needed counselling, too. 

And now I have to get back into counselling.

I keep looking at the past and I have my heart closed
because it's broken and I'm in pain, 
and I'm grieving pretty heavily.....
Bleeding and bleeding and bleeding.

And nobody wants to be bled on....
Or drowned in someone's blood.
Or be blamed for the wounds they didn't create.

I just have to be alone to do this
and nobody is going to do it for me.
And it's been really f*cking hard to do this.
Because it's been really f*cking painful.
Like nobody has any idea what this is like.
And most people don't want to put themselves in my shoes.
And even if they wanted to, can they?
Can they even imagine
what it's been like? For me?

And others are going through their own things, too. 
Things that only I can imagine. 
Things that I can't know
because I'm not the one going through that.
I'm going through what I'm going through.
Not what they are going though.

But going through this, 
I could help others going through this.
And maybe that is all this is for....

Idk what this is for.
There has to be a reason for it. 
Other than others going through their own things.....
And other than having to go through this....

There's supposedly a bigger picture.
Something bigger than us. 
That we can't see at this point in time.
Until we are ready for it. To see it, to live it.

But, anyway.... It's hard to say.

All I know is that I'm tired.
The stress has been accumulating
and weighing me down...
And causing physical pain....
And the emotional pain just...... Adds to it.

So it makes it harder to just.... Work on this....

And when I start working on myself, 
and feeling better....
Sometimes someone comes in
and something starts happening....

Even though I wasn't really ready for it.
I was just starting to feel better, though. 

Despite stuff unresolved....
And even though it's unresolved.....
I have to still address that....

If I don't deal with things....
Those wounds will deepen.
It already cut me pretty deep....
And I have to deal with this.

It's not the time for 'love' or to 'fall in love.'
It's not time for that.
I have to figure things out.
The things I've been really struggling with.

Abandonment wounds....

Pulling myself out and up,
like I tried to do many times.....
And it always ended up this way before. 
But this time it is worse than it was.
And I left things that way
and I made it this way....

So I have to deal with it somehow.
Dealing with it is more than just coping with it.

So that I might sleep better at night.
Without taking sleeping 'aids.'
Without sleeping with the lights on
like it will somehow make me feel 'safer.'

Or have someone to sleep next to....
Like that will somehow make me feel 'safer.'

Or to somehow resolve what I don't know
if I can ever resolve....
Without knowing if I can fx it, 
if I ever will, if I can.

Doesn't look good. I'll say that much.
It's FUBAR. Pretty much.
And that is my fault
for not dealing with this correctly
and not getting the help that I needed, 
at the time that I might have
been able to handle it better....

And so I blame myself for not handling it better.
Than the way I handled it....
And it is my fault.

Anyway, started watching some paranormal stuff....
And they were staring into a black mirror
and two of the 5 guys who all did it, 
said that they saw the reflections of their faces changed. 

I tried it with someone in a regular mirror, 
we both did it and that happened to us. 

And there is a Chinese myth
that says that our reflections
are something demonic pretending to be us.

I found a mirror in the basement
that someone was throwing out, 
I took it home, and I had to get rid of it
because the vibes coming from it
weren't good and things started improving 
after I put it back where I got it from.

And there's a freaky video
of a little girl turning her head
and her reflection remained staring ahead....
THAT was pretty freaky.
It's on youtube somewhere. 

My neck's been sore.... And it's been giving me a headache.

Been using the software again
and a word registered... Alphabet.
And there was an alphabet on a piece of cardboard
in the basement in the video.
After the word registered.

And one of the words that I got the other session
is turret. And I started watching the explore videos
and one of the videos was a "chateau"
that had turrets....

Just now... It registered "exciting"
right when they are just starting their investigation.

The words registering pertain to the videos.
And one of the names I got the other session
is my middle name.....
One of the other names was the name of a person
who sent me a few emails
when I was checking my emails
and running the software.

The ones pertaining to the videos....
It registered a word pertaining to the video
before the part comes up in the video.

It would freak me tf out
if it registered a word
at the same time their equiptment registered it in the video.
Or even directly afterwards, or before.
Hasn't happed, yet.

But that would freak me out.
Of all possible words.....

It registered a couple "spirits" near me
and then it registered the word "full"
like they recharged or something.

Anyway, I know that a lot of people don't believe
in ghosts or the paranormal.

I do because of the experiences I've had.
If I hadn't had those experiences, 
I would be questioning it.

I might write a post about those experiences....
I think I have before, in the past....
But I'll probably write about it again.