That Feeling

I think most avoid that feeling
by trying to justify themselves and what they are doing. 
Maybe because they can't fully see what they are doing. 
And don't realize the consequences of it. 

I hurt people without thinking about it. 
Emotionally, I caused them pain. 
I could only see how they were causing me pain. 
It's stupid. That feeling is just hanging there. 

I know that I am a broken record. 
Most people don't want to talk to me. It wears on them. 

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. 
The feeling is making it almost impossible. 

People tell me to distract myself
because I can't dwell on this, 
but I have to face it, I can't avoid it
or try to run from my feelings anymore
because doing that got me here. 

And I unintentionally taught my son to do that.
Because I wasn't asking him or talking to him about it
and he didn't want to talk about it when I tried to. 
Because he's angry and doesn't know what to do about it. 

I took a lot for granted. I really did. 
I still find myself doing it. 
Why do I do that?
Why haven't I appreciated everything more?
And appreciated the people I had in my life, more?
Because I felt like people 
didn't appreciate me?

Focusing on this stuff is keeping me stagnating. 
I am reflecting, yes, but it's more than that. 

"The more we focus on the past, 
the less present we are in the present."

That feeling isn't going away....
I feel so sh*tty about myself
for not knowing better.... 

"Are you your past?"
Someone asked me that, once. 
Everything from the past is hitting me like a train. 
I want to hit who I was with a train. 

What made me think I could just be like that?
I didn't want to be like that, so why was I?

All the little things weren't just little things, 
they added up. Over time. And I didn't see that. 

I hope that some of the things I've been writing
are making sense because I don't want 
anyone to be going through this. 

It's good to wake up, but after being asleep for so long.... 
It's not a good feeling to see what we've been sleeping on. 
All because we didn't know how to deal with life?
Because others just thought we'd figure it out by ourselves?
And a lot of people do figure it out. If they don't give up. 
If they don't stop caring.... 
Only to start caring when there isn't much they can do. 

I'm glad I quit drinking. Because I couldn't think straight. 
I'm still.... Not thinking straight. 

It feels like this because I care. I care about what I did. 
I care about what it looked like. 
I care about how things went. 
But I can't f*cking change anything. 

People have told me:
"You're human. People make mistakes."
I feel like a sh*tty human. 
I really feel like a sh*tty human. 
A really sh*tty human. 

I wish I had quit drinking so much sooner. 
That I never started.... 
That I never learned to think the way I thought. 
And I have to rethink everything now. 
I should have rethought everything. All along. 
But I didn't. I f*cking didn't. 

Confessing everything's not going to make it right. 
Being angry at myself for not knowing better
isn't going to make it right. 
Wanting to jump off a bridge isn't going to make it right. 
Feeling like I don't deserve to live
isn't going to make it right. 

So what's going to make it right?
All those wrongs aren't going to make a right. 

My stupid views, my beliefs, my mindset... All of that... 
I don't need those, never did. 

And it bugs me that people are conditioned
in such a way to think:
"If they don't care, why should I?"
And that doesn't make anyone see that we did care
or that we do care. It doesn't show anything. 
It just gives people an excuse not to care.... 
It's 'easy' not to care, but it creates more problems. 
And I guess it's 'easy' not to care about those problems, 
but when you wake up
and realize why you should have cared....
And realize the extent of those problems.... 
Then you get that feeling.... 
That doesn't go away....

And it is a test of my strength
because I don't know how to endure this. 
I keep wanting to run from it
but running from my feelings got me right here. 
With THIS feeling. Which does not feel good. 

And I'd love to be forgiven for everything. 
By everyone I ever hurt. They may not forgive me. 
For being as blind as I was. 

Just like I've had a hard time forgiving others
for being as blind as they were/are. 

But it's not that I can be blind and they can't. 
So many people are F*CKING BLIND!!!!
And it's like the blind trying to lead the blind... 
So where do the blind lead the blind?
Around in circles? Nowhere?

Feels like I'm leading myself in circles. 
Feeling like I'm not allowing myself to get anywhere. 
Because I wasn't, this whole time. 
I thought that having something solid, 
was going to be enough... 
To make me super happy. 
And that my life would just be better
if I had what I needed to feel better about it, 
but that wasn't the case. 
I ran from a lot that I couldn't f*cking handle. 
A lot of those feelings. 
Looking for the good feelings. 
When other things would have probably 
helped me feel so much better.... 
It probably would have felt so much better. 
Had I done the right things, 
to try to make things work. 

And the times I thought I was doing the right things... 
Was I? Was I doing the right thing?
Right for who? So I could feel better?
Well, how does it feel, NOW?!

Kicking myself, beating myself to a pulp
doesn't feel any better.... 
Can't keep doing it for the rest of my life.... 

There are lots of foolish people out there. 
Are they kicking themselves?
Are they beating themselves to pulps?
Or are they just continuing to be f*cking fools?
Fools don't realize that they've been foolish. 
They are blinded by their own foolishness. 

I'm not convinced that I can feel good about myself. 
After everything I did. And didn't do.
After what I was and wasn't. 
After what I am and aren't. 

Or feel good about anything. 
Because most of the time I just want to just die.
I guess shame has that effect on people. 

I don't know if anyone's felt like this before. 
It's not something people generally talk about. 
And they don't talk about how to stop feeling like this. 
And it's hard to talk about it. 
Most people don't want to talk about it
or hear about it. 
How sh*tty people feel for f*cking up in life.... 
How they are finally facing it. 
How ashamed they feel.... It's real. 
It's something most people run from. But it's their fault. 

So what can be done about it?
Is it enough to learn from our mistakes?
And just move forward somehow?
Like some second chance at life?
Do I even deserve that?
Does feeling ashamed warrant that?
Does finding a way to forgive myself warrant that?
Even if others never forgive me?
Can I still forgive myself?
Can I still try to make something of myself?
Even if the past keeps coming back to kick my ass. 
Until I can't take any more?
Until it's just my time to go?
Until I can start feeling better?
Without anyone's help?

Like I don't know what to do now.
I want to make things right. How can I? How do I?
How would you do it?
Will it work? If I try?
Will it make it worse?
What can I do? What should I be doing?
I want to know if there is anything I can do. 
"How about not doing what you keep doing?"
How about you stop trying until you know what to do?

My friend said:

"If you keep trying to call him, 
you're not only harrassing him
which might p*ss him off more, 
but it makes things worse for you
because you keep calling and he doesn't answer."

And I went through this a bunch of times, with him. 
And all those times I kept calling and he didn't answer. 
But I kept telling myself that I kept trying. 
That I hadn't given up on him. 

And I had to stop and wait. It was agony. 
But had I been better, my son would want to talk to me....

"You have to let go of your mistakes
because they are ruining your life
and it's not helpful for your son."