In Anyone's Eyes

I wish I knew what to say to some people.... 
I told someone too much about me. 
Been feeling it. Heavily. 
Like I'm exposed. 
I never asked for this, though. Any of it. 

Had a convo tonight about how I can't control
how someone else thinks. 
I can't think their thoughts for them. 
Yes, I had hoped for better. 

I don't know what I was expecting. 
I was the one who f*cked up. 

My friend told me that I did the best with what I had.... 
Was self-medicating doing the best with what I had?
Yeah, I was a stupid teenager. 
Who didn't know any better.... 

I feel like such a f*cking fraud of a person. 
Obviously, I never became anything. 
And I feel like I can't work on my business now. 
Now that too much is known about me. 
And they don't know the story. 

But it was up to me to do better. I didn't. 
I got stuck between a rock and a hard place. 
But I put myself there. Somehow. I did it to myself. 

Realizing it, and facing it.... That comes first. 
Admiting to it... Yeah. That was me. 

And people are going to find out. 
And then there will be no running from the truth. 
Because the truth is the truth. And no, I don't like it. 

It took me a long time to even get here. 
A long enough time to quit drinking. 
A long enough time to trust someone. 
And did I tell someone who might use things against me?
Even though I don't know why he would?
Even though I wouldn't do that to him?
I still respect the guy. 

Like if I had another fall, I don't know what I'd do. 
I don't know how I would pick myself up
after something like that. 
I feel like some huge betrayal is looming. 
It's not a good feeling, 
on top of all these other feelings that keep coming up.

I don't know what to do about this. I really don't. 
I feel like trying to reach out to him
will only p*ss him off more. 
I wasn't planning for this to happen. 
It was a spur of the moment thing
that I should have thought about. 
Among other things that I should have thought about....
At length.  

I feel like an idiot. For falling, yet again. 
When I knew what would happen. 

And everyone will judge me
for something that is beyond my control. Yet again... 

Because I had some control. 
A few years ago, things changed, though. 

How can I even begin to tell anyone?
And should I? Even someone I trust?
What makes people seemingly trust worthy?
What makes me want to trust anyone?
With the heaviest things about me?

Obviously, something I can't just tell anyone. 
Something I don't go around telling everyone. 
And something I probably shouldn't tell anyone. 

It's been pretty f*cking painful. All of this. 
But I can't be all like: "Hey, I really like you, 
let me tell you what I'm dealing with
so that you know why I'm such a f*cking head case...."

"Tell me what I should do about my situation."

And I'm an idiot for thinking:
"If I want to know what they think of me, 
I should just ask them.... "
If they wanted me to know, they'd tell me. 
Wouldn't they?

I just keep thinking people are judging me. 
And they just aren't telling me what they think of me. 
But I feel it. I feel it. It's not a good feeling. 

So I stopped wanting what I wanted. 
Because there's no point in wanting anything. 
Part of me still wants that, 
how things were before, 
but they can't be how they were before. 
Because I had to go and ruin it. 

And none of it was to be all like:
"Feel sorry for me."
I was just telling the truth. Being brutally honest. 
And yes, it cost me. 
I had to be prepared for that.
But I guess I wasn't. 
Because even though I felt it was inevitable, at some point.... 
I wasn't prepared. 

It's still pretty painful. All of this. 
Like I couldn't have a happy ending. Yet.
And yes, people will look to me
for how things are going and how things went. 
Because that's not what was supposed to happen. 
A***, you're supposed to have everything covered.
So that nothing like this happens. 
Well, I thought a lot of things were okay. 
But they weren't and aren't. 
Because there was little to no communication
which made it hard to do what I was supposed to do. 
And all I could do was what I could do.
Given the situation. 
I wanted to do so much more. Much more.

But things just kept falling apart. 
And I kept making everything worse. 

Like what am I supposed to do?
Pretend I'm f*cking perfect like everyone else does?
Welp, I'm not. Am I? So let's get over that sh*t quick. 
Are we supposed to be perfect?
And live perfect lives?
And do everything perfectly?

Welp, I've been struggling for a long time. 
Because I fall, I fall, I fall, I fall. On my face. 
And every time I have a chance.... BOOOOM!
Explosion, implosion... Chaos... 
I fall again and I have to pick myself up from that. 
From things I never f*cking saw coming.
From people who treat me like I'm an idiot. 
Why? Because they know some things that I don't?
Because they got to live a life I didn't?
Do they even f*cking know what I've been through?
What I've gone through in my life?
So what makes them so f*cking perfect?
The fact that they do better than me?

You try to pull yourself out and up, constantly
and see how far you make it... 
One thing after another.... 
Like people purposely doing sh*t to me.... 
To have an effect on me, to affect me... 
And I have to act like there's nothing going on.... 
And pretend like my life's not f*cked up.... 

But then people judge me for it?
You should have done this....
You should have been this.... 
You aren't doing this..... 
You aren't SH*T, A***.
WELL NO SH*T. NO F*CKING SH*T.
DON'T YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?
DON'T YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ALL ALONG?
LIVING KNOWING THAT.... 
HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO FEEL.... 
THE WEIGHT OF THAT KEPT ME DOWN 
ALL THESE F*CKING YEARS. 

AND DESPITE EVERYTHING, 
I STILL TRIED TO MAKE SOME THINGS WORK
THAT STILL WERE NOT WORKING.
THAT I NEEDED COOPERATATION TO MAKE WORK.
COOPERATION THAT I DIDN'T GET.

Why cooperate with someone who's not sh*t?
Why work with someone who put herself here?
If things had been different, they'd be different now.
Well they were as they were
because I was as I was. 
And I just wanted acceptance.... 
Some understanding. 

Anyway.... F*ck what I wanted.... 
And if I had sacrificed everything
and things had turned out another way.... 
Would people look at me another way?
Would people see me another way?
Would they want to stay?
And not walk away?

Would they treat me like this?
Torture my mind and soul
and just tell me I'm not worth it to them?
Because I'm not sh*t... 

Like I have to be something
and do what people think I should do
and be what people think I should be
to be anything or anyone in anyone's eyes....