For A Long Time

Was trying to explain to someone about zoloft. 
He doesn't understand because he never took it. 
Also he was saying that it was assumption on my part. 
He doesn't get how a dangerous drug
was approved and given to so many people. 
And is still being given to people. 

The company that makes it does not care. 
They just care about making money. 
And this company is one of the companies
making a vaccine for covid! 

If it was just some random experience...
Why are there other known connections to the drug?
It's so persistent and powerful
that it's enough to drive someone to doing it. 
But they just say the person snapped. 
Like I could have just snapped.... 
But I didn't want to follow through with it. 
Because the person I thought of harming
(while I was on this drug)
was the one person who loved me most in this world. 
And I knew it was the drug, not me. 
Most people don't know it's the drug. 

And my friend was saying that we can't just use
the drug as a scapegoat.
It's not even like that. 
The way he argues with me
about sh*t when I know what I'm talking about
really p*sses me off. It really does. 
It's like he has to be right
but he doesn't know about this drug. 
Unless people have taken it, 
they aren't going to know. 

It can really change a person. 
It can start them on that path. 
Whether they know it or not. 
Especially when they don't know
that it's definitely the drug doing that to them. 

I wanted off that drug immediately.
I actually tried to overdose on it. 
Because I wanted those intrusive thoughts to stop. 

Anyway, it just bothers me that these drugs
are still being prescribed. 
To teenagers, too. 

It's really hard. 
To cope with all of this
and feeling totally alone in all of this. 

People don't get the severity of it. 
And it's like I can see the links and red flags. 
And people just want to argue about it. 
Because they don't actually understand. 

And yes, I wanted to help my son. 
I wanted to help him see that there's more to life
than highschool. 
Than what he thinks and what everyone thinks. 

And yeah, things aren't always satisfactory
but they don't need to be to be happy. 
And opinions are just opinions. 

The cops can't do anything and the doctors can't either. 
It's up to the parents. Who are either in denial or can't cope. 

And when do we say we've done all we could do?
When we fail? When we tried?
When we don't know what to do or who to talk to?

"Do you get what I'm even talking about, here?"
"Do you understand why I feel the way I feel?"

I don't know what to do about this. 
Parents often don't know what to do about it. 
Obviously we aren't all raised to think like this. 
Once the thinking starts, it's hard to stop it. 

Like that one guy who was telling me that I needed to get laid
because all I do is think on overdrive.... 
He was saying that too much thinking leads to psychosis. 
And what happens when all someone has is thinking?

And all kinds of intrusive thoughts. 
Automatic Negative Thinking.... 
That is often associated with depression.... 
And anxiety.... 
And Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

And there are a lot of disorders.
From personality disorders to mood disorders. 
And none of them can or should be excuses. 
Absolutely not. 

There's a lot going into this. A lot. 
Lots of layers to a person's mind, and how it works. 

Struggling with this so much. 
And just... I can't even.... 
I didn't go about it the right way. 

Every day is a struggle for me. Every day.
I don't have control over how others think
or what they decide. 

I keep having to tell myself that. 
It's been a lot to take. 

Sometimes I think about just ending it. 
Was thinking about going to the hospital yesterday. 
I think about ending it, 
but probably won't. 

I know that if it gets to be too much, 
I can go to the hospital. 
There's one close to here. 

I have a bunch of pills, probably won't take them. 
I think about it. 
Nobody would even know for a while. 
I could die in here and nobody would know for a while. 
I don't know how long it would take for them to find me. 
I have one friend who checks on me. 

He would probably be wondering
if he doesn't hear from me for a while. 
If anything happens to me, 
I don't want him to think it's his fault. 
He told me today that he doesn't want to see me suffering. 
Or to suffer alone with no help. 

He does actually care about me. 
I had a dream about him the other night. 
In this dream, I was allowed to cuddle up to him
and he told me he loved me. 
I know he's only a friend. 
We've known each other for a long time. 
He's probably my closest friend. 
Today's his birthday. 

I can't do that to him. 
Others wouldn't care, but he would. 
Because he cares about me. 

He doesn't get what I'm going through. 
He wouldn't and I'm glad he doesn't 
because this isn't something that I want for anyone. Ever. 

He still thinks things can get better. 
Even though I hope they do and can, 
I really don't know what will happen in the future. 

My son refuses to talk to me. I don't exist to him now. 
Because of how I handled things. 
But I care about him, he can't see that. 
He wants to think nobody cares. 
It makes it easier for him not to care, IDK.
"If nobody does, why should I?"

His dad just refuses to think anything is really wrong. 
My son can't talk to him. About anything. 
Won't talk to me about anything, anymore. 
Because I got freaked out. And I freaked out. 

And I'm trying to live with him refusing to talk to me. 
And with his dad refusing to talk to me. 
With my son feeling the way he feels about life, 
about himself, and about me. 
It's really hard that I couldn't change his mind. 
That I can't talk to his dad. 

I'm trying to live with the uncertainty of life. 
How things might play out. 
With trying to get help. 
With people not listening or taking me seriously. 
I get that the wishful thinking is to help me feel better. 
I appreciate that. 

If I were to end it, I'd probably want to write some letters. 
Sometimes I wonder what my final blog post will be. 
A thank you for sticking with me through everything. 
All the times I've lost my mind in posts. 

Through the depression stuff, through the pain. 
And everything I've been going through. 
But with everything I've gone through in my life, 
I can't hurt anyone. 

I can't say that me leaving this world would hurt anyone. 
I really can't even say that I feel wanted or needed. 
Maybe my son still needs me
but he definitely doesn't want me
and that's my fault. 
And he treats me the way his father does, too. 

I know they have their resentments from past stuff. 
I understand that. 

I have a lot of resentments towards myself
and I don't expect anyone to understand. Any of it. 
If I'd lived a good life and always been a good person, 
I guess I wouldn't feel that way about myself. 

I struggle every f*cking day. 
It's like I don't even really have a life anymore. 
I definitely don't feel happy anymore. How can I?

Someone asked me: "Do you laugh anymore?"
I rarely do. 
How can I really enjoy anything?
My life feels like I'm just killing time.... 
Any connection I ever made.... 
Been breaking them. All of them. 

The last connection I really felt good about....
I was worried about what he thought about me.
And he decided to stop talking to me 
because of my insecurity. 
And because when I got really anxious
or was really struggling with something, 
I'd hit him up. 
And it was too much for him. I get it. 
It's hard to feel secure going through this
and then thinking that people are going to think the worst of you. 
Because ideally, you'd be a good mother
and someone with a good mother
wouldn't be saying the things my kid is saying, right?
And if I wasn't a decent mother, 
maybe he wouldn't have told me at all. 
And the most painful thing is knowing he needs help. 
But he's not getting it. Refusing it. 
Pushing me away because I want to help, but not helping. 
And I need help and I'm not getting it, either. 
But at least I recognize that I need it, and want it. 
It's that it seems hard to get it.

The few friends I have, have told me
that I did what any concerned mother would do. 
And kids hate being made to do things that they don't want to do. 
And that I can't really do anything now. 
That I have to accept that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. 
Or let me be a part of his life. 
And that I have to cut ties and let him go his own way. 

And being alone is harder some days than others. 
And one of my fears used to be dying alone. 
Unloved and unwanted. 
Even by the people I love the most.

And I get the 'self love' stuff is supposed to save me from that. 
From feeling like giving up. 
I just.... Can't live like this anymore.... 
Things are getting really hard. Harder day after day. 
And this is pretty much all I have left. 

It's that I have only a few people. 
My family really doesn't GAF.
I may as well never f*cking see any of them again. 

A few friends who rarely see me or call me. 
If they heard I was dead, they'd miss me. 
It seems like they only really care if I died, 
and even then.... Nobody really seemed to care
that my Grandmother died..... 
They all treated her like SH*T.
And she just loved everyone
and wanted to be loved, too. 
She used to cry to me about them. 
I understood it. I still do. 
I won't get to be a grandmother
or even a fraction of the woman she was. 
She was the sweetest person I ever knew. 
I love her, still... I miss her. 
She was the one I lived for. 

And I want to live for my son, 
but at this point, he doesn't care if I live or die. 
He already told me that I'm dead to him. 

Because he cares more about 
Whatever sh*t's going on in his head
than realizing that I do actually love him. 
I wish I had shown him more. 
Words can only say so much. 
Trying only does so much. 
He always thought I didn't care. 

Because I've been struggling for a really long time, now. 
I needed more help than I could even ask for. 
I still do. I just can't ask for it anymore. 
Because it takes months....
And can they help if they don't understand?
And will I just be taking pills for the rest of my life
just to try to feel okay with myself?
When I really don't feel okay with myself?

And people tell me that I have to live for myself now. 
And I guess I feel selfish for that. 
I feel selfish for everything I didn't know 
and couldn't see... 

Reflecting on some stuff from my past....
Just makes me feel f*cking sick. 
Sick of myself and sick to know I was the way I was.
And sick... To know my life got like this. 
And it's because of me. All of it. 
I had a chance to try to fix things with my son, 
but he has his mental challenges. 
And it's really hard knowing that 
even though I want to help him... I love him. 

I'm aching so bad. Knowing my son's in so much pain, 
but he doesn't see or care that I am in pain, too. 
He shut his feelings off because the pain is so much
that it just makes him angry. 
And I had something to do with that. 

But being in pain and being angry
doesn't give him the right to hurt anyone. 

Being in so much pain doesn't make me angry anymore. 
It just kinda makes me numb. 
Makes me sad. Just sucks the life out of life. 
Makes it feel pointless to be alive. 
That golden connection I had....
Those bonds I broke and were broken.... 

Feeling like I don't f*cking matter to anyone. Anymore. 
Did I ever matter? Did they ever feel anything for me?
Sometimes I really just want it to be over, quick. 
Before anything gets any worse than it got. 

Maybe someone will find me in the park
like my friend and I found that guy
and we got him an ambulance.... 
Maybe someone would do that for me. 
Or maybe they wouldn't find me. 
Maybe I'd just write my letters, say my piece....
Write my last post and just pull the blanket over me
like I'm going to go to sleep....

I remember that time I was talking to C****
about not having anything to live for anymore. 
He was saying how if someone wants to die, 
that he'd just let them die. 
Because that's how he feels about suicide. 
We didn't really talk about suicide much. 
I told him that my father commited suicide. 
It took a long time for me to get over that. 

Was mad at him for just leaving me here. 
Even though I told my mother to tell him
that I didn't want to see him anymore. 
Because he hurt me so many times
when I waited for him to come get me, 
happy that I was going to see him, 
and spend time with him, and he wouldn't come. 
Waiting there, for nothing, all those times. 

And I blamed myself for him killing himself. 
For a long time. 

And I don't want ANYONE to feel like it's their fault
if I decide that I've had enough of this
and decide that I'm done suffering.
And done with the struggling. 

I'd just want them to forgive me for everything. 
Everything I ever did. 
For not being strong enough to lift myself out of this. 
For thinking that it's better to be dead
and just forgotten than living like this. 

I mean, maybe my life's better than some others'
I have food to eat, water to drink, 
a roof over my head... 
Two arms, two legs that work, I can see.... 
I can hear. I can listen to music. 

There are some things I do like about myself. 
Even if there are so many people in my life
who NEVER F*CKING APPRECIATED
ANYTHING I EVER DID FOR THEM. 
I could have walked away and never looked back, but I didn't.
They were the ones who could have cared, but didn't. 

And I didn't do what I did for appreciation. 
I didn't even do it because I had to. 
I did it because I wanted to. 
Even there were times I didn't want to.... 
But I f*cking did it anyway. 

And all the f*cking times I needed HELP....
WHEN I NEEDED THEM TO LISTEN TO ME......
TO CARE ABOUT ME AND MY SON.....
THEY F*CKING DIDN'T. 
THEY WOULDN'T. 
IT'S LIKE THE ONLY TIME THEY CARE
IS WHEN SOMETHING HURTS THEM.

Like if I had been the one to walk away from my son.....
Told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore....
That would have hurt him. I didn't give up until I was forced to. 

"Rejection's your protection."
Because it's likely that people would only hurt me more....

And now I'm really scared to get close to anyone. 
Because the last time that I did, that I wanted that. 
That I was actually opening up my heart, again... 

And knowing that I just want C***** to be happy. 
And if that means not having to talk to me
about any of this sh*t I'm going through, 
or anything at all... 
Meeting some sweet, beautiful girl ...
Someone who truly deserves a guy like him in her life.... 
Then I want that for him. I want him to be happy. 

I'd also like to be happy, too. 
I was so happy when I had my son back in my life
and we were talking more, and seeing each other more....
Before all of this stuff started....
Before he told me about it.....
Before he changed.... 
Before he changed me, too... In the process....

I remember the times I was happy. 
I also remember how short-lived those times were. 

I remember when C***** was using humor
to help cheer me up... That meant a lot to me. 
That he even thought about me....
That he was doing that for me. 
He wasn't doing that for himself. 
And I really lost him. And I really miss him. 
I got too insecure.
Not that I was ever really the most secure person in the world....

The anxiety's been bad. 

The stupid sh*t with M***, was all stupid looking back. 
I had other concerns to concern myself with. 
Other than trying to date... 
Trying to fill some f*cking void. 
Which ended up being some f*cking wound
that no bandage can just heal.... 

Some deep wounds.... Deeper than I realized. 
And my son tore it open, too. 
He doesn't care anymore. Did he?
I think he used to, at some point. 
I hope that he did. 

But all the times his dad ghosted me
and showed him how to hurt me, bad.... 
He didn't seem to care that it hurts so much. 

But I can't make them responsible for how I feel. 

I guess I could just carry on my life
and try to forget all the damage and try to live for myself. 
Try to learn how to have fun again, 
how to relax, how to actually live. 

And maybe meet someone who does care. 
Who will love me. Who will be willing to show me
why I haven't given up on life.... 
How life could be something magical
and wonderful and how I can start feeling good again. 
And not feel guilty about feeling better. 
About wanting to have a life. 
Without getting high or drunk, 
without masking the pain... 
The pain would just be gone, all of it. 
And I'd start feeling alive, again. 

But maybe I might not meet that person. 
And maybe I have to just start learning that on my own. 
Despite people pushing me away, 
f*cking with my head and my heart..... 
Torturing me the way they do
and they know they are doing it. 
And they know exactly what they are doing to me. 
And they just do it anyway. 

And if I don't matter to them or mean anything to them, 
I don't have to matter or mean anything to them. 
They don't have to want me in their life. 
Even if I wanted them in mine. 
Even if I wanted them to want me in theirs....
Even if the only thing I wanted in my life
was to just LOVE AND BE LOVED.....
By someone who I mattered to
and meant something to.... 

"A***, why don't you matter enough to yourself....
To keep trying to get help?"

"A***, why do you mean so little to yourself?"

I can't say that I ever truly loved myself.
Or felt like I was worth very much, to anyone. 

There were times I felt better, though. 
Than I had in a long time.... 

Just none of what I've been going through
has been making me feel good, in any way.... 
All these feelings that keep coming up.....
And I'm really f*cking tired. Really tired. 
Of trying, trying, trying, trying.... 
Of caring so much, even when it seems that I don't....