Thoughts

I've struggled with my thoughts a lot. 
About things I've been through in my life. 
About things I'm currently going through. 
About myself. About myself in relation to others... 
About so many things... I don't even know what to think. A lot of the time. 

I try not to let my thoughts get to me, or get the best of me. 
But sometimes they do. 
Just like my feelings can overcome me sometimes.... 

Like I was saying.... The way I was looking at things
was affecting my thinking 
and it affected how I felt, too. 

It's hard to explain and hard to just change how you look at things. 
Especially when we got used to looking at things
the way we always had. How others taught us how to look at things....
And it is easy to get stuck in our heads. I have been there. 
It's very hard to get out of that. 

Sometimes things feel so strongly that we think those feelings won't go away. 
But when we focus on those feelings, they intensify.
And I wasn't aware of that. 
I didn't know why my feelings got so intense. 

Also, when I started clearing out some blocks... 
A lot intensified and I didn't know how to handle it. 
Still struggle with that. A lot. 

Nobody's taken me aside and said: "Hey, A***.... 
THIS is how to manage your feelings... And your thoughts."
It would be easier if they did, but it wasn't supposed to be EASY.
We were meant to LEARN. If we WANT to. 
That's what we were supposed to do here. 

And I'm not writing these posts to teach anyone. 
I'm just merely expressing myself. 
Because this is one of the only ways that I can. 
If anyone can learn from what I have learned... Cool. 
If they don't or can't... Or whatever. Whatever. 

It's that I had to go through A LOT to get here. 
And I know others went through A LOT in their lives... 

It's hard to do a lot of things when we weren't shown how to do them. 
But when we refuse to do them, 
we can't blame the people who would have shown us how to do them
if we hadn't refused to be shown how. 

It's like "This person never taught me this."
But they didn't want to learn how to do it. 
They just want to feel bad that they weren't taught how. 
I've had this happen to me. 
Been blamed for not showing someone how to do something
that I wanted to show them how to do
but they didn't want me to show them how to do it....
But it made me look neglectful. 
Because it was something I should have taught them. 
That I wanted to teach them.... 
That I even tried to teach them.... Many times. 

There are times I feel like I FAILED. 
Like HOW did my life end up like THIS?

It's like I had to hit rock bottom to end up here.
And I did. I bottomed out many times. 
Especially when I was an alcoholic. 
Because I really had NO grip on my emotions. At all. 
I was spiraling. Downward. Hard. I lost a lot. 

Would I know what it's like to bottom out had I not?
Would I know what it's like to WRECK my life had I not?
Would I know what it's like to RUIN chances had I not?
Would I know what it's like to FAIL had I not?

I know what it's like to dig my holes. And keep digging them. 
Then to try to climb out of them.... 

I know what it's like to struggle with things. 
Very hard things. 
Things that I still can't talk about. 

And I struggle with.... "A***, you did your best."
Did I? Because I'm not convinced that I f*cking did. 
Did my best with what I knew at the time... 
With what I had at the time.... 
Maybe I lacked a lot at the time.... 
Maybe I couldn't see things clearly. 
Maybe I didn't realize some things. 
Maybe I'm really f*cking hard on myself. 
For having been a f*cked up, dysfunctional person. 
Even though I wanted to be more, do more.... 
For myself and for everyone in my life. 
But I didn't. I couldn't. 

Been looking back, at the past and looking at how I was.... 
And just feeling like sh*t. Even though there is NOTHING
that I can do about how I used to be.
Other than keep improving my life.... 

Whether or not anyone believes I've actually improved. 
I mean... Have you seen any improvement in me?
Would anyone comment if they have?

I really don't know what anyone thinks
about anything I write... 
But it's not about that, I guess. 

Do I think I have improved. Yes, in some ways. 
But not in all ways... 
Can I still work on making improvements? Yes.
Will it be hard? Yes. 
Is it supposed to be easy? No. 

Like I can sit here and wonder where to go from here
or I can decide on a direction and start moving forward. 
I have to do it for me. I have to live for myself. 
Or just.... Continue to stay stuck. 

I feel like I need to get tested for covid, though. 
My eyes are really glassy, I've noticed. And itchy. 
I don't know if that is a sign or what. 

I don't even know what to do with myself these days. 
I feel like I've been wasting time, though. 
And that's not a good feeling. 
Like we don't know how much time we have to live. 
Once it's over, it's over. 

What is my purpose? Do I have one?
I feel like it is to help someone. The way I was helped. 
I thought it was to do with my roles.... 
Like if I played my roles right, things would have turned out. 
But I didn't. I f*cked up so much. 
The only things I ever wanted.... 

Like I said, I can't go back and redo the past. 
Why do I keep looking back at the past? To torture myself?
Maybe to see what I can still learn from it?

But looking at it, doesn't f*cking feel good. 

And I look at others who haven't been through what I have 
and who haven't put themselves through what I have
and I feel a bit envious of them. 
Because they seem to be doing much better... 
Even though they have their struggles.... 

And it's like... I want to be happy. I really do.
Happy for myself and happy for others. 
But I keep feeling guilty when I am happy. 
Because I am aware that others aren't happy
and they aren't happy for me. 
Especially when they are angry with me
for trying to help them when they didn't want me to. 
For trying to get them to get help when they didn't want to. 
Even though I meant well. 

I wish some things could be the way they used to be, though. 
When I still had a chance to turn some things around.... 

But, I've had to turn myself around. For a long time. 
I've been doing some things, here and there, 
but I realized... More or less trying to make myself comfortable. 
And growth, real growth comes from challenging myself. 
Not staying comfortable or making myself comfortable. 

And there are some truths I've had to face about myself
that have no been comfortable. At all. 

Like I have to get over thinking that I have to be comfortable. 
Because my comfort zone has been holding me back. 

I was 'comfortable' being an alcoholic, apparently. 
Was that getting me anywhere? F*ck no. 

Neither is sitting on my couch, contemplating my life.... 
Looking at all the ways I've failed. 
And all the ways others have failed me.... 
But not really looking at the ways that I've been failing myself. 
Because that's not 'comfortable.'

It's not 'comfortable' admitting that most of my life, 
recently has just been about writing about my life. 
And not really doing much of anything else. 
Feeling bad about things that didn't turn out....
Feeling bad about how others feel about me. 
Feeling bad about how others look at me.... 
Just feeling f*cking low, bad, just... Sh*tty. 
Even about myself based on all of these.... 
And it's been hard to try to look at myself in a good light.
Knowing how much I've f*cked up in the past. 
Knowing how much I've been letting people down
but they have also let me down, too. 
Whether or not we meant to.... We still did. 

But, I've been letting myself down, too. 
By not being 'there' for myself. 
By trying to be 'there' for people
who didn't want me 'there' for them. 
Who will just turn around and say that I never was
when all the times I've wanted to be 'there' for them, 
they just kept pushing me away!
"A***, go f*ck yourself!"
Then tell me that I'm not there for them!

Why is it so hard to be 'there' for myself?
Why have I always looked for others to be 'there' for me?

Why have people tried making ME feel like sh*t
For THEM ignoring me?

Like telling me "YOU are supposed to be worth it to US."
But it feels like: "HOW TF can I be
when you try to make me feel like I'm not?"
Like I have to try to be worth it to myself. 
Even though others try to make me feel that I'm not worth it to THEM. 
Like I have to make myself feel worthy of being happy. 
Regardless of who isn't happy for me.... 

And I have to think like: "How do I help myself to help myself?"
Staying 'comfortable' isn't f*cking living. 
Am I really helping myself by just trying to recover?
Just trying to feel 'okay'?
It only helps so much...

And I want to try to create my stability and feel good within myself. 
So that I can have a solid foundation to build on. 
I've been acting out of insecurity for so long
that it makes people look at me a certain way. 

"Do you not see that your misery comes from
the strange belief that you are powerless?"

Can't I start to believe that I'm allowed to give myself
the power to turn my life around?
Because I AM allowed to. 
And I'm allowed to do that for myself. 
It's not like I have anyone in my life to do it for, anymore. 
Because there are people who left my life. 
Because they do not want me in their life. 
And that is THEIR choice. 
It makes it easier when it is THEIR choice
when they hurt me and push ME away. 
Because I have a hard time ending things. 
Even when they need to end. 

"There is dignity in ending pointless suffering."
“I am that” by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
And I've been causing a lot of my suffering. 
My misery caused by my belief that I'm powerless. 
Powerless to give myself the power to give myself power. 
Isn't that pointless?
Pointless to render myself powerless?
When I don't have to believe that I am powerless.... 
Even when others do not want me to have any power. 
They want to have power over me
by trying to make me feel powerless. 
Because the only power they have is their power over me. 
Which I gave them by not giving myself power.

But others also do it to themselves. 
Because they want to have their sense of control. 
Whatever that looks like to them.... 
When a lot of them don't have much control over
their own minds and their emotions, either. 
So do they not cause their own suffering?
By rendering themselves powerless?
When they think that having power is having control. 
When they want power and control over others. 

Anyway, been re-reading some convos I had months ago. 

There was one part someone had said to me:
"If your feelings are valid, where's the need to validate them?"
That struck me.... Because I got used to validating myself and my feelings. 
Like I had to matter and my feelings had to matter
because I didn't matter enough to myself
and my feelings do matter to me, 
but it seemed like they didn't matter to others
because they treated me like they didn't.
And that I didn't matter.... 
And I f*cking hate that sh*t. 
Especially from people who matter to me.... 
Like my family.... 

But why should they get to matter to me
just because they are family 
if I don't matter to them?
But should it be conditional or unconditional?
That is where I've been stuck.... 
But there are people out there who have cut off toxic family members. 
For their own good.... 
So I guess conditional... 

There are family members I haven't exactly cut off. 
But I don't go out of my way to talk to them anymore. 

And yes, I have had my own toxic traits, too. 
I'm not perfect or 100% healthy. 
And did I get cutt off? Yes. 
For being overly emotional and overly concerned. 
But is being emotional and concerned
better than not being emotional?
Or concerned?

Is something better than nothing?
Or is nothing better than too much of something?

Is caring too much better than not caring at all?
Maybe, maybe not. I learned. 
The hard way which seems to be how I learn
because I'm stubborn AF.
And that f*cks me over every time. 
And knowing that, I still let it do that to me. 
Because I do it to myself. 
When I panic. When I get scared. 
When I don't know what to do, 
but.... I feel like I have to do something, anyway.
And I usually do the wrong thing. 
And knowing that, I still do it.
And I lose. And I did. 
And had I known that I would.... Would I have chosen differently?
Most likely... 

Good things can happen unexpectedly. 
But should I wait for a situation to turn around? No. 
Can I make it turn around? No.
Is it up to me to change anyone's mind? No. 
It's up to me to change my own mind.