Passenger

 Anyway.... Been thinking so much.... 
Someone was saying: "....If you're not attached...."
About maybe meeting up in the future.... 
Every time I was attached to anyone, it brought pain. 
It brought loss and pain. 

And I was thinking... About breakups.... 
A friend broke up with her boyfriend. It was his choice. 
She's been having a hard time coming to terms with it. 
And I've been there. 
When someone I love didn't want to be in my life. 
It's been hard to detach. And let them be. 
"Let them live their life."
You're allowed, and they're allowed.
With or without each other. 
And I've had a hard time letting go. 
But when it gets unhealthy... It's obsession. 
Nobody needs anything unhealthy... 
From themselves or from anyone else. 
Is it unhealthy for someone to keep trying to help someone
get healthy when they don't want to?
For the person trying to help
AND the person they are trying to help?

She was saying that she couldn't bear to see him with someone else. 
Even if he was happy?
I've been there. Feeling like it's hard to see someone I love
with someone else.... 

"Our stability is shook when we're building a house of cards."
"You need to be able to bring something to the table emotionally."
Like emotional stability. Emotional security. 
Being emotionally independant. 

Like we can be cloaking ourselves with "confidence" on the outside,
but on the inside we can be broken and "needy."

There's a metaphor someone used that is BANG ON.
"If one of my "love nuts" is loose... 
If I don't pull over and fix that, it'll get worse. 
To the point one of my wheels is going to fly off
and I'm going to crash."

And what if it's not just one "love nut"?
And how do we know if they are loose if we aren't checking them. 

Honestly, I don't think people really check their "cars"
as often as they should. Thoroughly. 
They just get in and drive it. Until they encounter an issue
and they have to call roadside assistance.... 
And even then, do they?
Do they call to get a tow?
Do they push their "car" around the corner?
Do they pop their own "hood" and look at the "engine"?
Do they know how to "fix" their own "car"?
Do they even know how to "change a tire"?

Honestly, I've never owned a car or learned to drive. 
And I can look at that metaphorically and say
that I've never "owned" my car (or a car)
and never learned how to "drive."
I've always taken the bus. 

With buses.... It's easy just to be a "passenger." 
It's easy to just "go along for the ride." 
And we just "trust" the "driver" to "get us to our destination."

Buses crash. I've been in one. 
But there have been at least a couple bus crashes in my city. 
And I could have been on those buses, but wasn't. 
One bus got hit by a train!
One had the front of the top taken out by a bus shelter. 
Both were double decker buses.
Both cases resulted in multiple deaths. 

There are people who are way too emotional or way too logical. 
We act based on how we feel about something
or we act based on how we think about it. 
So we have a hard time if we go too far to one side than the other.

Like I have friends tell me that when I jumped into action,
I was doing what any other mother would have done. 
What I was supposed to do as a mother. 
When a part of me is saying I overreacted. 
Damned if I do, damned if I don't. 

Someone was saying that all kinds of growth is uncomfortable. 
Like going to the gym and working out... Building certain muscles. 
Again, it was a metaphor. He uses a lot of metaphors. 
Which I appreciate. Because it helps it make sense. 
To compare it metaphorically to something else. 
I can come up with my own sometimes. 
But the ones others use... If they work, they work. 
Metaphors help us see things in another way. 
And if we can't see things in one way... 
It's good to have another way to look at it. 
Which is what I've taken from metaphors. 

So.... Back to what I was saying about the "love nuts".
I'm not talking about being in love with someone. 
More or less our ability to love and capacity to love. 
The more we feel loved, the more capacity we have to love. 
The more compassion I have for myself, 
the more compassion I am able to have for others. 
The less, the less. It goes both ways. 

But there are times we can have more for others
than we have for ourselves. 
Like how it's easier for me to be happier for others
than for myself.... 
How it's been easier for me to be 'there' for others
but not for myself. 

Anyway, there was another metaphor of going to the gym. 
To build our physical muscles. 
How many people actually want to go the gym?
Or have the capacity for the discipline to go to the gym?
Or talk themselves OUT of going to the gym.... 
And what if the gym was a metaphor?
And what if the muscles are mental and emotional?

Do you know how many times I've skipped doing my exercises?
Even when I was in recovery... I skipped it. 
Because it was my choice and I didn't want to do it. 
Even though the excerises we simple, easy... 
Didn't take long to do them... 

I know someone who refused to fart
because farting was inconvenient.....
Seriously?

If you won't allow yourself to fart.... 
What will you allow yourself to do?

I've been asked: "Why do you laugh when you fart?
It's childish...." So TF what?
Am I not allowed to laugh at farts?
If I'm not allowed to laugh at farts.... What am I allowed to laugh at?
Am I supposed to allow someone's opinions
hinder my ability to laugh at anything?
Just because laughing at farts is "childish"?
Shove your opinions up your @ss, then blow them out. 
Then f*cking laugh.... If you don't, I will. 
Even if it's "childish."

So yeah, I've had a lot of f*cking weak moments, emotionally, recently. 
I'm starting to see that I'm not supposed to be living for anyone
other than living just to live.
I'm not supposed to be here to 'make' anyone happy. 
If they aren't happy, it's not a whole lot to actually do with me. 
Even though they may be unhappy with the choices I made. 
Even when I'm unhappy with the choices they made. 
And with the choices they continued to make. 
But they made those choices for themselves. 
For whatever reasons they made those choices. 
Whether they were right or wrong. 
From the way they look at the world and choose to look at it.... 
BUT here's the thing... I used to look at things differently than I do today. 
BECAUSE I wasn't convinced that there was any other way to look at things. 
That is partly because I was really f*cking depressed. 
And the way I looked at things was severely distorted. 
So I understand where people are coming from. 
But it's really f*cking hard to explain to people
who don't see things the way you see things
that there's other ways of looking at things. 

All the times I've been WOE is ME.... 
And feeling sorry for myself.... Etc.... 
(You've seen it on here, when I get to really low points).
It's because I've been looking at things a certain way. 
That I haven't convinced myself that I don't have to look at it
in the way I've been looking at it.

Someone once told me.... 
That I was the only one at school who never made him feel like a "retard."
It meant a lot to me that he even told me that. 
But I ended up writing him a letter to tell him why I didn't. 
Which may have meant something to him, maybe not. 
I told him the reason why I never made him feel like a "retard"
is because I never looked at him that way. 

It's easy to feel a certain way when we look at things a certain way. 
I get it. But not everything is the way that it looks. 
And we don't have to look at things the way we think we should. 
Or the way others think we should. 
Just because it feels a certain way.... 

Okay.... With all that having been said..... 

Back to attachment.... 
I've been too attached to a lot of people in my life. 
To people I never wanted to lose. 
Even though I knew that I would, at some point. 
And there were times I felt so scared of losing them
that I actually pushed them away with my "concern" for them. 
As well meaning as I was.... 
Coming from a place of love. 
But it wasn't the right thing, at the right time, or in the right way. 
They had a certain way of looking at what I did, 
but not seeing why I was doing what I did. 

Anyway, does it even matter at a certain point?
When people can care TOO much?
And there is only a problem when it creates a problem 
or if the problem is seen as a problem. 

Not like "Mom cares about me SO much
that she is THIS worried about me." 

Instead of "F*ck her! She called the police to check on me
and take me to the hospital when I didn't f*cking want to go!"

Two different ways of looking at it.
How we look at it determines how we feel about it.

But would I be so concerned if there wasn't a cause of concern?
I can't ignore "red flags."
When my alerts go up and I'm like: "This isn't right."

But at the same time, I have been in dark places. 
And just because I was there, doesn't mean that I stayed there. 
And I was able to come out of it on my own. 
For the most part. When I realized a lot of things. 
And yes, I did have help realizing some things. 
A lot was brought to my attention. 
Others made me aware of some things. 
So just because some people haven't seen some things, yet. 
Doesn't mean that they never will. 
Just maybe I'm not supposed to be the one to show them. 
And now that I broke their trust, I can't.

But.... Do I keep the trust intact to avoid looking at red flags?
That is the dilemma here. 
Do I pretend not to be aware of things
that I was made aware of?

At the same time.... I was in dark places before. 
And I didn't have to stay there. 

But I know what being in a dark place is like. 

Someone told me that we can barely shine a light for someone
if our own light is dim.... 

And if they want to stay asleep, 
yes, it will p*ss them off if you try to wake them up.... 

There are people telling me that I did the right thing. 
So why do I still feel like I didn't?
Because what I did alienated myself even more
and I lost my chance to fully connect with my son
even though I was having a hard time reaching him most of the time... 
And now.... I don't know if it will ever be the same. 
Or if I lost him for good. 
Because it seems that way right now. 

But ignoring red flags, even when they came to him.... 
Wasn't a good thing to do. 
I ignored them when it came to others, too. 

I can't keep pushing sh*t under the rug. 
And pretending that things are okay when they aren't. 

But just because they aren't, doesn't mean they can't get better. 

So a part of me hopes that he will have a huge turning point in his life. 
Whether or not I am in his life when he has it. 

But I don't want what I did to be his reason to give up even more. 
Than he already had.... 

So right now, my hands are tied. Because I tried. 
But I probably did the wrong thing. 
Even though I was told that I was only doing
what any other mother would have done.... 
And had I done nothing.... What would have happened, then?

At the same time.... Just because something bad could happen
didn't and doesn't mean that it has or will. 
And doesn't mean that it won't, either.
So it's like skating on thin ice. 
So you either skate on it and hope it doesn't break
or you don't. 

Like nobody told me what to do if anything happened. 
If my kid got to a dark place. Really dark place. 
As a parent, you want to help your kid. 
You want to do whatever you can think of to help them. 
Even when they don't want your help. 
Because you love your kid. 
But kids don't come with manuals and you have to LEARN
how to be a good parent by being a parent
especially if your parents didn't learn
and weren't trying to learn... Just DGAF.... 
It's easy to be checked out
when those around you are checked out. 

I had to break off from my family to have the space I needed
to grow. The way I needed to. 
And not be influenced so much by them
and how they look at things. 
Because I see things a lot differently than they do. 
And I can't tell them a lot of the stuff I write here. 
I can't really talk to any of them
because they don't listen, DGAF, just in their own world. 
And I had to learn that I can't take that personally. I can't. 
I used to. It used to make me feel like sh*t. 
That they never f*cking understood me
and DGAF about me. 
But I had to learn that it matters more that I GAF about me. 

And all their distorted views reflect their beliefs. 
Beliefs I didn't have to share with them. 
I could have my own beliefs. 
And view things according to my own beliefs. 

But.... It still bothers me that I am unable to reach
a lot of people. Who I care about. 
That I can't be the one to f*gure things out FOR them. 
They have to do it on their own. 
And if they don't want to listen to me.... They won't.
They won't hear a f*cking word I say. 
No matter what they mean to me. 
No matter what I mean by what I say. 
And that's frustrating. 
But I have no control over how others see things. 
Or how they look at anything. 
Because they obviously see me a certain way. 
Because they look at me a certain way. 
"I don't understand you. You're crazy."

Just like how people couldn't figure things out FOR me. 
And just because I thought they had things figured out
doesn't f*cking mean that they did. Or do. 
Just because I thought I did, doesn't mean I did or do. 
Just because I can post things and write about some things
doesn't mean I'm not STILL f*guring sh*t out.... I am. 

But I cannot shove a mirror in someone's face and yell:
"LOOK AT YOURSELF! JUST F*CKING LOOK AT YOURSELF!"
When people were trying to get me to see things about myself.... 
I refused to see those things because I didn't want to look in the mirror. 
I didn't want to look at myself. I still have a hard time doing it. 
But had I not done it, at least the times that I have.... 
I wouldn't have learned anything about myself. 
And the things that I've been needing to fix.... 
I wouldn't have been able to fix some of it. 
Do I still have a lot to work on? Yeah!
Of course I f*cking do. Because I didn't want to do it for a long time. 
Kind of like 'housekeeping.'
If you don't do the dishes for a long time, they are still needing to be done. 
Doesn't matter that you don't want to do them
because the only reason they aren't getting done
is because you don't want to do them. 

"I don't feel like cleaning my room!"
"I shouldn't have to if I don't feel like it!"
But that turns into: "I only do things I feel like doing
because I feel like doing it." Which can get to an extreme. 

It's like I don't want to be too strict, but being too passive.... 
That creates problems, too. 
Being too lenient... Too permissive. 
When it comes to parenting and with ourselves. 

It's like we want our parents to understand us
and let us do what we want to do (within reason).
And love us for how we are. 

But as parents.... We have to be the ones to show our kids
that they can be better and strive for better 
so that they can have better for themselves. 

And when we don't get to show them this.... 
Because they don't want to be shown anything.... 
How can we do our job as parents?

And then they turn around and blame their problems on us. 
When yes, we can take some of the blame, but not all of it. 
Because it is actually up to us to f*gure sh*t out. 
Regardless of what our parents have f*gured out. 

At the same time.... Does everything that was good that we tried to
instill in our kids go out the f*cking window if we make mistakes?
Our kids are going to make mistakes and stupid choices, too. 
If they hadn't learned what we were trying to teach them. 
What we thought we had taught them.... 
Like certain things that they learn from others
has a way of unteaching them things. 
Even though we try to unteach them things
they were taught by others... 
Or that they taught themselves.... 

We get 'messages' that we don't even realize that we are processing. 
That we may be processing incorrectly. 
If we aren't taught how to cope with some things
how are we supposed to know how to cope?
But if we don't know what they are trying to cope with.... 
How are we supposed to show them how to cope with it?

And yes, I f*cked up. A lot. Majorly. 
I did a lot of sh*t that I wish I never did. 
If I knew that it was going to affect me and affect others
in the way that it affected me and affected others... 
I wouldn't have done any of the stuff that I did. 
I couldn't see, at the time, how it was going to affect me. 
Or how it would affect them. 
Or how it would affect things going forward.... 
Into the future... 

Mistakes can have ripple effects. 
That is why we need to be mindful. Always. Educated. 
And it's never too early to start learning things. 
But sometimes it can be too late.... 

And like... No matter how much we want to do something
that we can't do... Focusing on it
is taking us away from focusing on what we can do.