It Isn't About You

 All these years.... My son has acted like I didn't exist. 
Wouldn't take my calls, him, or his father. 
Periodically, I just didn't exist to him. 
Unless I had money for him or for his father. 
Then all of a sudden I was worth having lunch with...
It's been frustrating. It really has been over the years. 
Like I existed sometimes, and other times I f*cking didn't. 
And they knew they were tearing my heart out. 
Which was probably why they were doing that. 

Sometimes I feel like when they need me, I won't be there. 
Sometimes I feel like I'll still be there, until I'm not. 

Like they just took me for granted. So many times. 
While I waited and just wanted my son back in my life. 
After all the times he just acted like I was nothing to him. 
After all the times I wanted nothing more than to be a part of his life. 
And there were times he let me. Only to stop, again. 

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."
Anytime I tried to be anything to him, wasn't good enough. 

There's scholarship money in escarow for him. For when he turns 18. 
I'll give it to his father to give to him. 
IF his father will actually meet with me to give it to him. 
The only times his father met with me was for me to give him money. 
Otherwise, he wouldn't answer the phone when I called. 
Or answer the door when I wanted to see my son. 

Because they both had their opinions of me. 
And how his father treated me was how my son treated me. 
And I'd like to think that I didn't deserve that. 
That I was always willing to give to them, if I had anything to give. 
I had to get over the ghosting over and over and over again. 
And wait until they decided to be welcoming. 
Without expecting them to be, because they weren't. 

And they would act like I was the one who wasn't there. 
How could I be there when they wouldn't let me be?
And still I kept trying. And trying and trying. 

Part of me says: "If they can live without me, I can live without them."
Then another part wants to just keep trying. 
"I can't give up on my son."
Hasn't he given up on me? Time and time again?
"It isn't about you." Someone told me. 

It's been a struggle. For years. 
But did I have to keep trying? No. 
Could I have walked away and treated them like they didn't exist?
Like minimized my feelings to the point I may as well not have any.... 
Like I had no worth or value... 
But "It isn't about you."
So what is it about? Loving anyway?

Because every time I gave up trying... Suddenly I existed again. 
When I had money, I existed again. 
Until they didn't like something. 
They didn't like that I showed I cared. 
Maybe because I cared too much. 
Or felt too much. 
But "It isn't about you."

If I had treated them the way they treated me... 
Refused to take their calls.... 
Not answered the door when I came over....
Treated them like they didn't exist like they did to me.... 
I would be the bad one. 
But "It isn't about you."

It was like everything I ever did.... Didn't matter. 
But "It isn't about you."

But they wanted to keep me down and keep me depressed. 
But I got through that. All the pain they caused me. 
But "It isn't about you."

Anyway, I am okay. I will be okay. 
I've been okay... 
Even though it didn't feel okay. 
Even though it was hard dealing with that. Feeling like that. 
And then trying to tell him I missed him and love him... 
Trying to get him to understand that. 
So that he'd stop doing that to me.
But "It isn't about you."

Like is it better to know that my son wants nothing to do with me
than to keep trying and trying and trying
for off and on and off and on and off and on..... ?
But "It isn't about you."

Like.... That is okay. It was supposed to be okay?
And I was supposed to just live my life.... 
Or try to.... Without them. Again and again. 

Just... I have to be okay with that. 

Like "I know mom misses me because she loves me, 
but I'll let her back in when I want to.... If I want to...."
But "It isn't about you."