Forgiveness Heals A Lot

Healing is something difficult. 
It's not like how our bodies heal physically. 
Stuff stays with us psycholigically, whether we remember it or not. 
When we repress stuff, it stays there. 
Been doing a lot of that. A lot. All my life. 
From little things to big things. 

Normally, people learn to let things go. 
They learn to move on from things. 
They handle events etc and don't dwell on stuff. 

There were times I reopened wound I didn't realize
were still there. That hadn't healed, fully. 

Forgiveness heals a lot. So I have heard. 
I have been in my emotions. 

Like I don't have any anger from it. 
I've been pretty sad about a lot of things. 

Some people have told me that I need to detach myself
from my emotions. I do. 
Someone told me that putting my emotions aside
will give me clarity. 
I know that I can't get peace of mind
when my emotions are all over the place. 

And nobody wants to deal with a mess. 
And I can't blame them. Hard for me to deal with messy people, too. 
My friends keep telling me the same things over and over again. 
That I can't beat myself up for doing what I thought was right. 

One of my friends is trying to talk me into getting therapy. 
Because he can see that I keep dwelling on things
and obviously, it's not healthy for me. 
Or for other people who dwell on things, like I do. 

Talking to my friends has helped, but can only help so much. 
They can only tell me what they think
and tell me the same things over and over again. 

And I can see things from my son's point of view, too. 
I know how it looks to him, but he scared me pretty bad. 
Does that mean I have to act on my fears?
And had I done nothing?
Had I pretended that everything was okay?

I have not felt okay for a really long time. 
Sometimes I have some hope, but a lot of fear. 
It's like we can't be hopeful and fearful at the same time. 
It's one or the other. 
I keep going up and down. It's making me crazy. 

I only told a couple of people. 
Someone told me that I should have asked more questions. 
I should have. Now I can't. 

I know how shaky I am and unstable. "Fragile" I was called. 
Because these emotions are just... A lot to handle. 
And I can't just run to my friends for comfort all the time. 
It's not their job to sort out the mess I created for myself. 

And I think some people only still talk to me to be polite. 
Instead of "I don't want to talk to you anymore, you're f*cking crazy!"

"You can't let this keep dragging you down, A***."
"You have to pull yourself out of this."

Someone who was trying to help me was giving me spiritual advice. 
Maybe I need help in other areas, first. 
Like help with how I see things. 
But it's hard to look at something heavy lightly. Y'know?

People who have not gone through this won't understand. 
A lot of my friends don't have kids. 
So they can only advise me based on how things look to my kid. 
Which I understand. I have to look at how things look to him. 
Does anyone consider how things look to me?
Does it matter how it looks to me?
Or does it only matter how it looks to everyone else?

Like suicidal ideation, I understand that. I went through that. 
Dealing with anger... That is harder. 
Repressing emotion, I understand that. 
Dealing with emotion.... That is harder. 
Especially for boys because they are taught that feelings are for girls. 
And I don't know why they are taught that. 
Having feelings makes us human. 
And it's okay to talk about how we feel and why.
But it only helps so much.... I understand that. 

I mean, I can only open up on here so much. 
And I get scared to really open up to people. 
That they'd get overwhelmed and run away. 
Or they'd look at me completely differently. 

And I know that I contributed to it. 
Which makes me feel even worse. 

But to I have to beat myself up over everything I ever did in my life?
Or do I start from where I am today?

Yes, people change. But it is up to them how they change. 
And we don't have much control over what changes us. 
Certain things do affect us in certain ways.... 
Because we feel a certain way about those things. 
And a lot of the time, we don't even know how to feel about it!
Or what to think about it!
But the reactions we have are automatic. 

And there are times we want to minimize the pain
to get over it. Or try to. 

It's like there are two versions of me. 
The one who wanted to believe things were good and okay
and the one who gets so scared that I can't f*cking sleep
or live my life... 

My friends remind me that there are things that are beyond my control. 
And there are. So do I have to let those things scare me?
To the point I can't live my life?
Do the things that are beyond my control
have to render me powerless?

"When we aren't in a good place, we aren't going to see the options."

Kind of like: "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst."
But how do you prepare for the worst?

"You don't know how the future is going to turn out. 
So how are you just going to assume the worst?"
But I have, many times. Was I right?
Weren't some things not the way they seemed?
So why do I assume the worst?

Is it anyone's job to calm my fears? Or is it mine?
I was reacting. To my fears. 
I don't have to react to my fears. 
My hope can be bigger than my fears
and it's up to me to increase it. 

Was I? No, I was reacting. 
Overreacting, too. 

Anyway, I need to try to get some sleep.