Hard & Frustrating

It's been frustrating trying to reach people who I haven't been able to reach. 
And they have their reasons to reject me. 
To protect themselves. 
I can't get people to open their minds. 
Or open their hearts. 
Towards me, themselves, or each other. 

People avoid a lot of things in their lives. 
I have, too. I have avoided looking at things
that have been very painful for me. 
And I avoided talking about it. 
And there were people I couldn't talk to. 
Who I wanted to talk to.... 

It's been hard to handle. All the pain... 
And I heard that the pain comes from our own thoughts. 
But there are thoughts we aren't aware that we are thinking. 
Stuff going on in the background.
That if we don't consciously heal or handle, will sit there. 
I know because a lot has been eating me up inside. 
The residual self-loathing stuff etc. 

Because I wanted to be present for people who were counting on me. 
But I wasn't. I was checked out in many ways. 
And still feeling checked out. For the most part. 
And being pushed away so many times.... I felt like I had to give up. 
Not because I felt I couldn't get there, at times. 
But there were times I got too scared to keep trying. 

How can we reach people who close themselves off?
Why does society teach guys to bottle up their feelings
and not talk about them?
"I'm not a girl!" Don't have to be!
GUYS HAVE FEELINGS, TOO!
TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL DOESN'T MAKE YOU WEAK.

It's hard not to take things personally. 
I've taken a lot to heart. A lot. 

There's a video I shared on here with two strategies
on how not to take things personally. 

"It's not about me."
When we take things personally, 
we are convinced that it is about us. It's not. 

Take space and try to understand. 
80% of our thoughts are negative.
There could be things that have nothing to do with us. 
Their opinions are their opinions. 
Do they represent us accurately? Do they define us?

Or it does have to do with some insecurity... 
And even does it have to do with us, do we have to take it personally?
If cats are cats, do they take it personally?

We take things personally when it touches a raw nerve. 

Anyway, my alcoholism was my inability to process emotions. 
I became emotionally stunted, in a lot of ways. 
I still have feelings, but I didn't express them
because most people wouldn't allow me to express how I felt. 
Even when I was happy!
It's like they were so miserable that they couldn't stand
when I was happy so they had to do something
to try to make me feel bad!

And then it got to the point that I would bottle up all my feelings. 
And just not express how I felt. And that was killing me on the inside. 
It was like I wasn't allowed to feel anything
so I stopped allowing myself to show anything.
Even though I still feel very deeply.
It really bothers me. A lot. 
Because although I feel a lot. I can't express it
in the ways that I needed to. 
Because I wasn't allowed to. 

And expressing how you feel can be hard. 
Especially when we've been made to feel bad about how we feel. 
And about why we feel the way we feel. 

But a lot of the time, our perspectives have been skewed. 
By others trying to make us feel like sh*t. 
When they have no right to damage us the way they have. 

I was seeing someone who had said something to a nephew. 
The kid likes to bake. 
The guy said: "Baking's for girls."
I saw the kid's heart sink. 
I had to stand up for him. 
I told him that baking's for everyone
and not to let anyone try to make him feel bad about baking. 
And that I had one of his cupcakes and that they were good. 
I said it to the kid in front of the guy, 
in front of his parents, his sisters. Everyone. 
Nobody said anything to me about saying it. 
But I was the only one who said anything. Who stood up for him. 

Imagine if he gave up baking because of that one comment?
Because of how it made him feel?
About himself as a boy who liked to bake?

And what about the other things said to him
that nobody said anything about?

What about the things people have said to me
that nobody had said anything about?
I have to be the one to stand up for myself. 
And say something... And not take it personally,
not take it to heart. 
Because I don't have to take it to heart. 
I never had to, but my self-esteem suffered so much. 
For not being allowed to express my feelings.... 
For stupid, thoughtless opinions.... 

And I have said stupid sh*t, too. Without thinking. 
About how it would make them feel. 
And a lot of it was said out of anger and pain. 
Still no excuse, but I said it anyway. 
So that's on me for having to learn those lessons. 

As much as it's been about learning, it's also been about unlearning. 
Stupid habits that undermine us. 
That were taught to us or we taught ourselves to do.... 

"You're wandering around with baggage."
Do we have to take everything with us? Everywhere we go?

"Mental and emotional wealth are assets, too."

And yes, I have struggled with mental health issues. 
And because of this, I've had emotional instability issues.... 
And I couldn't always be there for people who needed me. 
Even when I could be, they didn't want me to be. 

And yes, I f*cked up. Who hasn't?
Sure, there are plenty of people who wouldn't have 
made the mistakes that I made... 
Did I learn? Yes, I learned a lot of things. 
The lessons I have learnt are assets to me, moving forward. 

And yes, I'm sure you are getting tired of reading about this. 
At least I'm not writing about the things I was writing about a month ago. 
Even in writing about those things, there were lessons, too. 
Because I didn't have to write about any of that. 
I've had a lot of conflicting feelings about that
and about the things I've been through recently. 

But I don't have to loath myself for f*cking up. I don't. 
I can start from where I am. I have to. 
Otherwise my loathing of myself 
is just going to be an excuse to destroy myself and my life. 
As it has been.... Because I have been.... 
So I understand that feeling, those feelings
and the results of feeling that way. 
And how the way we look at ourselves
affects the way we look at everything else. 

But we look at ourselves the way others look at us, too. 
Because I have looked at myself the way others looked at me. 
I've always felt "stupid" around my family.
But they always tried to put me down. Always. 
Maybe to try to make themselves feel better about themselves.... 

Yeah, it's been hard. Really hard. To get to where I am. 
And I'm still not where I'd rather be. 
I still struggle with things. Really struggle. 
And there is no shame in admitting that. 
I shouldn't feel ashamed for struggling with things. 
That I didn't learn how to master a long time ago. 
Who was going to teach me? To show me?
People who repress their feeling?
Who forced me to repress mine?
Who refused to listen to me?
Who DGAF about me?
Who say they do but shown me otherwise?

It's been f*cking hard dealing with how I feel. 
Being abandoned by people I love. 
Who are teaching me how to love myself. 
Forcing me to love myself.
And struggling to open my heart
but wanting to protect it at the same time.... 
Been broken so many f*cking times
because when I open it, I wasn't protecting it.... 

It's like I was keeping the wrong people in my life
and keeping the right ones out. 
And a lot of people were keeping me out. 
Because they knew I was f*cked up
and they didn't want to associate with or deal with me. 

Even though I've changed a lot over the years....
Still changing, still evolving.... 

"Elevation requires separation."