Vibrational Discord

Some people's energy meshes well.
Sometimes two different world's collide
and it's just... Impact after impact.
If it's great, it's great,
when two people bring out the best in each other...
There's not a lot better than that.

It's just that when they can bring out the best in themselves...
That's when they will bring the best out of others.
I have to admit, my serious, rigid side... Coupled with stubborness
and my desire to work on things...
I get that too much of that is draining. Even for me.
It's like I have felt so guarded for so long
that the side of me that actually does like to have fun
is so oppressed....
Even when I used to drink, I was only marginally less shy.
And if you think I'm emotional now,
I get stuck in my emotions deeper when I've been drunk.
I am only marginally less of a sh*t show now.
Because I'm still rather reckless.
Like when I get pissed off, I get PISSED THE F*CK OFF!!!
And apparently, I don't exactly have much of a filter
when pushed hard enough.

It's like when people are in lower vibes,
it's your choice to meet them where they're at.
We never have to go there. Even to fight fire with fire.
Or to give someone a taste of their own medicine.
Even if that is the impulse.
We don't have to follow our impulses.
Except sometimes it's like a compulsion to act impulsively.
That is how it feels at times.
It's not me trying to justify acting impulsively.

Also, it's like when someone knows you have higher standards,
they might think they are too high.
Standards can seem like impossible conditions to meet.
It wasn't that I expect people to meet impossible conditions.
It doesn't take a lot to show someone
just a bit of respect.
However, we have to give it to get it, too.
Can't just totally disrespect someone
and then expect them to respect you.
Doesn't work that way.

Been mulling over this concept of forgiveness.
Forgiving people for doing me wrong,
even though they did me wrong intentionally.
People get to make mistakes. Even repeatedly until they learn.
I can forgive, at least try to.
It seems like if I could, I wouldn't get upset
over unresolved issues.

And there has been honesty. To some degree.
Still things that have been unspoken.

Yes, I had fears that I projected.
I know what happens when I do that.
What happens is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So everything you feared starts happening.
So instead of focusing on the things I didn't want,
I should have been focusing on the things I did want.
Except when you notice that the things you want
are not happening, it's like you start doubting
but the doubting starts getting to you, too.
It's not just the doubt bugging you out, though.
It's the feelings that come with it.

It's that I was keeping myself distracted
with all kinds of external sh*t I thought I wanted
and I wasn't working on any of the internal stuff
that I had finally started to work on before this.
It's like I always have to choose one or the other.
It seems that if I get distracted, I get too distracted.

Anyway, I know what I have to work on.
Whether or not others want to work out their stuff
on their own, or not...
I can't help anyone who doesn't want my help.

Yes, it is hard to accept where people are,
and hard to accept where I'm at,
but the sooner I accept it, the easier it will be.

Someone told me that there is a difference
between fighting for it and fighting against it.

When someone believes in something....
Who am I to prove them wrong? Is it my job? No.
If they want to prolong their own suffering,
I can't help them stop until they see that they can.
If they just believe they will keep suffering,
that is what they will do.
I did it for long enough. I still suffer in some ways.
Because I refuse to let go. I want to keep holding on forever.
It's that I do believe in loyalty,
just very hard for me to believe in love.
Because I've been hurt and I'm scared.
The universe is saying: "Why should I give it to you
if you're scared of it?"

It's not that I'm scared to be loved.
I just know what love isn't.
I've known a lot of toxicity and I've been toxic.
I don't blame it all on past partners.
I do recognize my faults and flaws, my mistakes, too.
It's not all just anyone.

We see how our parents were in relationships
and that is the very first idea we have of it.
We see our friends in relationships,
we hear all the cliches and all that crap....

Which all makes us feel a certain way about relationships.
As well as our past and personal experiences.
Not everyone is the same.
However, people can have similar reactions to things.
Or act in similar ways
which lead to similar interpretations
of those reactions and actions,
even retractions.

Like people will retreat for similar reasons.
They'll get scared and back off.
Or they'll try to scare someone
to try to make them back off.

Or they'll be mean to make someone back off.
Instead of just saying that they need to back off.

I don't know why people do what they do.
They have their reasons.
I have my reasons for doing what I do, too.
For trying to chop a tree down with a butter knife....
Maybe it could be done, but how long will that take?
How much wasted effort?

And what if I'm trying to chop down the wrong tree?
What if I chop it down only to regret it later?

It's kind of like that. I get lost in the chopping.
In the goal itself, and then although I'm hoping for
a good outcome, I get scared
and then I end up f*cking sh*t up.

But sometimes it's not just me.
Sometimes it's like I'm meeting so much resistance
that I wonder what the point is anymore.
If trying means anything or if it ever did.
Sometimes I think the trying did mean something.
And that it's all that I could do.
And I sometimes think that if it does mean something,
to keep trying,
so that it could keep meaning something.
But it means something for me, too.

A lot of it is that people who drink
find it hard to be around someone who doesn't drink
and they think that because they drink
it wouldn't work with someone who doesn't.
Same with drugs. Especially certain drugs.
I try not to judge for that.
I accept it, mostly.
Just it is different for someone
who is sober being around drunks.
Or getting sober. Or trying to get sober.
But it's not such a barrier unless it is made one.

But I get it. I used to drink.
It doesn't actually bother me that much.
It's that, yes, impulse control while drunk
is at a low. If at all.
I still have my impulse control issues....
But when I was drunk, it was chaos.

Especially if I got emotional.
Because my emotions run deep
and when I was deep in them, they definitely overpowered me.
They do still, sometimes,
but when I was drunk, it was like I had no handle on it.
Definitely no filter, no self respect....
Just hated myself. Day in and day out....

Still working on liking myself.
I keep thinking along the lines of:
If others like me, it's easier to like myself.
It would somehow mean or prove that I'm likable.
So I tried to fit in and wanted to,
except I'm different now.
People have whatever image they have of me.
From the past, if they've known me long enough....
But I'm still changing.
I'm not the alcoholic version of me anymore.
I've still got some old traits
that I don't need anymore....

The identity is what we create
to operate from. Yes, I want to change that.
I know that to change how I operate,
I have to change how I behave.
And to change the way I behave,
I have to change the way I act.

I've been told "I don't know how to act around you."
Like they expect me to expect them to act
a certain way, but I get that from some, too.
They expect me to act like other girls
so when I don't, they get surprised.
When I do, they're not.

Getting emotional is a typical thing
that is expected more for girls that guys.
Talking about it is expected more for girls than guys.
Talking about feelings isn't exactly comfortable for everyone.
Especially if they know how it feels.
Instead of just saying that they know how it feels
they just try to avoid it altogether.

I talk about how I feel on here to get it out.
Most of my friends are the types who avoid their feelings.
I don't know why.
Some things are so painful and they don't know how to express it.
Even if they could find the words,
they don't know how to release the pain
so it just accumulates
until they have a lifetime of pain....
They run from it. Or try to.
By getting f*cked up so they don't have to think about it.

A lot of the self hatred stuff is from
thinking that if you were better than that,
you'd do better than that....
It's not realizing that doing that stupid sh*t
doesn't make you stupid,
realizing that you don't have to keep doing it
and having no reasons to do it
makes IT stupid, not you.

And yes, I felt stupid for doing a lot of stupid sh*t.
Until it was a choice to stop doing a lot of it.
I still do some of it
because there are certain patterns that I haven't broken.

It's a lot to do with how I think
and what I've been thinking about.
It's not what it seems that it is.
It's sometimes something that we never thought it was.
Something so simple...
Like "I never told you it's because you're sober
and I don't know how to act around sober people."

And it's not really about the fact that I'm sober.
It's to do with how they feel about me being sober.
Like if they could be happy for me,
then why would it matter so much?

But if I could be happy for myself,
then it would not matter who was happy for me
and who was resenting me
for doing something that they either don't want to do
or something that they wish they could do
but think they can't.

One of my friends got sober after I did.
I didn't care that he still drank.
We hung out a lot less when he still drank, though.
A lot of my 'friends' ditched me.
It was like I was only fun to be around if I was drunk.
Because I came out of my shell, but still...
I was someone I didn't want to be.
I mean, I still don't absolutely love myself,
but I don't absolutely hate myself anymore.

It was more that I hated certain aspects of who I was.
Which lead me to hate myself.
Like those aspects were what made me who I was.

Except that it was more that my identity
was a product of certain things.
I didn't have to keep identifying the way I did
or with what I identified with.
Or even who I identified with.

You start to see who your real friends are.
When they show you thieir true colors.
But even when they are wearing a mask,
it's the mask that they are showing you.
If they want to show you who they really are, they will.

I've worn my masks in the past.
It just bothers me when I show them who I really am
and they think I'm wearing a mask.
That I was never the soft person I showed them.
That I was always some hard, icy, b*tch.

Just I guess sometimes they don't want to see that
human side of me, because it reminds them
of their own perception of humanity.
Except maybe their idea of it
has f*ck all to do with me.