To make mistakes is human.
I've made my mistakes. Others have made theirs, too.
I've been upset by a lot of things this year.
There are certain things I wanted.
But I had to learn that I can't always get what I want,
how and when I want it,
just because I think something should happen a certain way.
Maybe certain things have to happen first.
Maybe there are certain things that I must realize
to take me to the next step. Or phase. Or chapter.
I must admit that I haven't always been seeing things
in the best light.
There's a lot that I still don't know for sure.
Some things can be nothing as they seem
or they can be exactly as they seem.
But it depends on how we look at it.
And when you're explaining your side to a friend,
they'll be biased. In my favor.
They don't know both sides
only how things look to me.
I've been discussing this with friends
because I want to know if I'm crazy to think this way
or to feel the way I do about this situation.
After so many times, telling it over and over...
They are sick of hearing it. I get it.
On and off and all of that.
I'm done, then I go back, then I'm done, then I go back.
Like I can't make up my mind.
I had a talk about this with a new friend today.
And he was asking me what I think 'love' would do.
And that feelings and thoughts are different.
When we don't know what to do, to go with
what we feel is right.
In my mind, I know that others wouldn't have gotten
as many chances as I've already given.
One of my friends told me:
"you're only setting yourself up to get hurt again."
One of my other friends told me:
"Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
I get why they tell me these things.
It's based on what information I've given
and based on their views and opinions.
Yes, my friends often give me good advice.
Sometimes I just want to be heard
without them saying anything about it,
without them weighing in, just listen.
But I know they want what is best for me.
I want what is best for everyone, given the situation.
Given every situation.
It's just hard when you think a certain way,
and you feel a certain way.
And things look a certain way...
Which leads you to think, feel, and act a certain way.
My reaction to getting upset is to vent.
Venting only helps sometimes.
Just I feel like I need to get it out.
It's that my friends are tired of hearing about it.
The situation isn't healthy. I know this.
I know that some things are best left alone.
I know I tend to beat things into the ground
more often than I should
instead of just letting it be as it is.
The only thing I am reacting to is my own opinions about it.
Then I voice my opinions to get more opinions
in a form of a reaction to what I'm reacting to.
But it's like I'm learning to deal with this
so that I can deal with it better
so that I don't involve anyone
who doesn't need to be involved.
That or I really need to walk away, eventually.
Like I'll keep trying until I realize
that I've tried as hard as I can try.
Or until I realize that I'm strong enough
and realize that it is a necessary step forward.
I get close to giving up and then I'll start getting regrets.
And then my friend tells me:
"You did nothing wrong. Stop doubting yourself."
I get the type of regrets that I feel like it's something
that I will regret for the rest of my life
if I don't do something to fix it. If I can.
Some things cannot be fixed.
But I do have some healing to do, this time.
There has been damage caused that has to be healed.
I feel like I need to heal it myself, alone.
I feel like this coming year will be more about me
staying in my own lane.
With what I do, with what I say, with what I think,
with how I feel... Everything.
Someone said that when you don't stay in your lane,
you're slowing yourself down and slowing others down.
Yes, some people fall
and need help getting back up.
Would I stop my own race to go pick someone up? Yeah.
Why win at all costs as though winning was everything? It's not.
It's not why I should stay in my lane, though.
There's a time to stay in my lane,
there's a time to abandon the race, not the racers.
But if someone is hurt, they might push people away
and refuse help because it just hurts too much.
Even physically injured people do this.
A different example....
A lady got her leg caught between the train and the platform.
It took many people to push the train and free her.
Her leg was mangled and she probably should have had it seen.
She was refusing medical care because she couldn't afford it.
It's kind of like this in a metaphoric sense.
Because there are times that we fear that help costs us.
Like letting someone get that close to us.
That can cost us.
I read:
"Only wanting to see the best in someone
and ignoring the red flags will cost us later."
Then I added a quote I remembered from a while back:
"When we are wearing rose-colored glasses,
all the red flags just look like flags."
And yes, I've willfully ignored some sh*t.
That points to things being unhealthy.
And I know that it is my own fault for going back for more.
And for thinking that things can change
when things only seem to get better for a time
and then I'm right back to where I was before.
Not knowing what to do.
A lot of how people act and react is about them.
So I can't take full responsibility.
Even if I say or do something that pisses someone off.
Often it is just telling the truth.
People don't like the truth shoved down their throats.
They want to be shown in such a way
that it's like they come to the realization on their own.
Except, they don't often realize things on their own.
I have to be shown things, too.
But I don't enjoy being taught in certain ways.
Others don't either.
There are certain ways of teaching things
that makes people NOT want to learn.
But when you find a way to bring something to light
that really works, you'll wish you used it all the time.
Everyone is different, but people have similar feelings about things.
So something that works for one person
might not work for another person.
My brother said something to me once.
He said: "Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you need to shove it in anyone's face."
Yes, I'd love for people to take a look at themselves,
own up to their own actions and behavior towards me.
Or even in general....
But I get it. I don't like or want certain things
to be shoved in my face, either.
No matter if it is true. Some things are hard to face.
Like something my ex said to try to hurt me:
"You are the common denominator in all your failed relationships."
That may be true, but I wasn't the only one
making mistakes in my relationships.
I had my reactions, they had theirs.
It wasn't just me trying to handle myself,
they were also trying to handle themselves.
Nobody is perfect.
Do I have to keep giving chances? No.
Absolutely not. I don't.
Do I have to keep trying to fix things? No.
Absolutely not. I don't.
Some things have just run their course.
That happens. For reasons.
Yes, there's a lesson in sticking through things.
When things are made harder than they have to be.
When people keep standing in their own way.
When people keep making their mistakes
and making excuses for making mistakes.
But one of my friends said:
"What does it have to take?"
For me to give up, and move on, finally.
For once and for all.
Chances do not have to be unlimited.
We keep looking for 'unconditional love'
and then put all kinds of conditions on it.
Expecting the perfect person to meet all of them.
Sometimes 80% is okay.
Sometimes they need that 20% to make their mistakes.
It doesn't mean they need the 80% for their mistakes.
It doesn't mean they are 20% on the ball...
Then there is this which came up today:
"Every loving thought is true. Everything else
is a plea for help or healing. No matter what form it comes in."
Although I am only a parent to one person,
it is also kind of like the love someone has for their child.
They love their child and don't measure their worth
on what they do or don't do right or wrong.
They try to teach a lesson and hope the child learns.
If the child doesn't learn, there's another opportunity.
It's like this. Parents love unconditionally, most of them.
There are some who don't know how to love.
And they don't have those parental instincts.
But how can we love unconditionally when we are
always putting conditions on things? On everything?
I want to look at things in a better light,
but not to my detriment. Of course.
I don't want to pull myself under.
When I don't know what to do, I try to do what I think is right.
Even though a lot of the time, I get it wrong.
By lighting myself on fire to keep others warm.
Anyway, there's a lot to think about.
Just I don't want to keep backing myself into a corner
with my own mind, with my own thoughts.
You know what I'm talking about.
I've made my mistakes. Others have made theirs, too.
I've been upset by a lot of things this year.
There are certain things I wanted.
But I had to learn that I can't always get what I want,
how and when I want it,
just because I think something should happen a certain way.
Maybe certain things have to happen first.
Maybe there are certain things that I must realize
to take me to the next step. Or phase. Or chapter.
I must admit that I haven't always been seeing things
in the best light.
There's a lot that I still don't know for sure.
Some things can be nothing as they seem
or they can be exactly as they seem.
But it depends on how we look at it.
And when you're explaining your side to a friend,
they'll be biased. In my favor.
They don't know both sides
only how things look to me.
I've been discussing this with friends
because I want to know if I'm crazy to think this way
or to feel the way I do about this situation.
After so many times, telling it over and over...
They are sick of hearing it. I get it.
On and off and all of that.
I'm done, then I go back, then I'm done, then I go back.
Like I can't make up my mind.
I had a talk about this with a new friend today.
And he was asking me what I think 'love' would do.
And that feelings and thoughts are different.
When we don't know what to do, to go with
what we feel is right.
In my mind, I know that others wouldn't have gotten
as many chances as I've already given.
One of my friends told me:
"you're only setting yourself up to get hurt again."
One of my other friends told me:
"Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
I get why they tell me these things.
It's based on what information I've given
and based on their views and opinions.
Yes, my friends often give me good advice.
Sometimes I just want to be heard
without them saying anything about it,
without them weighing in, just listen.
But I know they want what is best for me.
I want what is best for everyone, given the situation.
Given every situation.
It's just hard when you think a certain way,
and you feel a certain way.
And things look a certain way...
Which leads you to think, feel, and act a certain way.
My reaction to getting upset is to vent.
Venting only helps sometimes.
Just I feel like I need to get it out.
It's that my friends are tired of hearing about it.
The situation isn't healthy. I know this.
I know that some things are best left alone.
I know I tend to beat things into the ground
more often than I should
instead of just letting it be as it is.
The only thing I am reacting to is my own opinions about it.
Then I voice my opinions to get more opinions
in a form of a reaction to what I'm reacting to.
But it's like I'm learning to deal with this
so that I can deal with it better
so that I don't involve anyone
who doesn't need to be involved.
That or I really need to walk away, eventually.
Like I'll keep trying until I realize
that I've tried as hard as I can try.
Or until I realize that I'm strong enough
and realize that it is a necessary step forward.
I get close to giving up and then I'll start getting regrets.
And then my friend tells me:
"You did nothing wrong. Stop doubting yourself."
I get the type of regrets that I feel like it's something
that I will regret for the rest of my life
if I don't do something to fix it. If I can.
Some things cannot be fixed.
But I do have some healing to do, this time.
There has been damage caused that has to be healed.
I feel like I need to heal it myself, alone.
I feel like this coming year will be more about me
staying in my own lane.
With what I do, with what I say, with what I think,
with how I feel... Everything.
Someone said that when you don't stay in your lane,
you're slowing yourself down and slowing others down.
Yes, some people fall
and need help getting back up.
Would I stop my own race to go pick someone up? Yeah.
Why win at all costs as though winning was everything? It's not.
It's not why I should stay in my lane, though.
There's a time to stay in my lane,
there's a time to abandon the race, not the racers.
But if someone is hurt, they might push people away
and refuse help because it just hurts too much.
Even physically injured people do this.
A different example....
A lady got her leg caught between the train and the platform.
It took many people to push the train and free her.
Her leg was mangled and she probably should have had it seen.
She was refusing medical care because she couldn't afford it.
It's kind of like this in a metaphoric sense.
Because there are times that we fear that help costs us.
Like letting someone get that close to us.
That can cost us.
I read:
"Only wanting to see the best in someone
and ignoring the red flags will cost us later."
Then I added a quote I remembered from a while back:
"When we are wearing rose-colored glasses,
all the red flags just look like flags."
And yes, I've willfully ignored some sh*t.
That points to things being unhealthy.
And I know that it is my own fault for going back for more.
And for thinking that things can change
when things only seem to get better for a time
and then I'm right back to where I was before.
Not knowing what to do.
A lot of how people act and react is about them.
So I can't take full responsibility.
Even if I say or do something that pisses someone off.
Often it is just telling the truth.
People don't like the truth shoved down their throats.
They want to be shown in such a way
that it's like they come to the realization on their own.
Except, they don't often realize things on their own.
I have to be shown things, too.
But I don't enjoy being taught in certain ways.
Others don't either.
There are certain ways of teaching things
that makes people NOT want to learn.
But when you find a way to bring something to light
that really works, you'll wish you used it all the time.
Everyone is different, but people have similar feelings about things.
So something that works for one person
might not work for another person.
My brother said something to me once.
He said: "Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you need to shove it in anyone's face."
Yes, I'd love for people to take a look at themselves,
own up to their own actions and behavior towards me.
Or even in general....
But I get it. I don't like or want certain things
to be shoved in my face, either.
No matter if it is true. Some things are hard to face.
Like something my ex said to try to hurt me:
"You are the common denominator in all your failed relationships."
That may be true, but I wasn't the only one
making mistakes in my relationships.
I had my reactions, they had theirs.
It wasn't just me trying to handle myself,
they were also trying to handle themselves.
Nobody is perfect.
Do I have to keep giving chances? No.
Absolutely not. I don't.
Do I have to keep trying to fix things? No.
Absolutely not. I don't.
Some things have just run their course.
That happens. For reasons.
Yes, there's a lesson in sticking through things.
When things are made harder than they have to be.
When people keep standing in their own way.
When people keep making their mistakes
and making excuses for making mistakes.
But one of my friends said:
"What does it have to take?"
For me to give up, and move on, finally.
For once and for all.
Chances do not have to be unlimited.
We keep looking for 'unconditional love'
and then put all kinds of conditions on it.
Expecting the perfect person to meet all of them.
Sometimes 80% is okay.
Sometimes they need that 20% to make their mistakes.
It doesn't mean they need the 80% for their mistakes.
It doesn't mean they are 20% on the ball...
Then there is this which came up today:
"Every loving thought is true. Everything else
is a plea for help or healing. No matter what form it comes in."
Although I am only a parent to one person,
it is also kind of like the love someone has for their child.
They love their child and don't measure their worth
on what they do or don't do right or wrong.
They try to teach a lesson and hope the child learns.
If the child doesn't learn, there's another opportunity.
It's like this. Parents love unconditionally, most of them.
There are some who don't know how to love.
And they don't have those parental instincts.
But how can we love unconditionally when we are
always putting conditions on things? On everything?
I want to look at things in a better light,
but not to my detriment. Of course.
I don't want to pull myself under.
When I don't know what to do, I try to do what I think is right.
Even though a lot of the time, I get it wrong.
By lighting myself on fire to keep others warm.
Anyway, there's a lot to think about.
Just I don't want to keep backing myself into a corner
with my own mind, with my own thoughts.
You know what I'm talking about.
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