When you're seeking transformation
and someone else is seeking destruction,
you will both find what you seek.
There was something that I read that speaks to this:
"If you're afraid of losing it, it's already gone."
And when it was never yours, it isn't yours.
Lots of mixed emotions. Mixed bag.
But really, what do I expect for wearing my heart on my sleeve?
People get uncomfortable when you're too open.
They also get uncomfortable when you're too closed.
They are both instances where some people
either want to walk away or run away.
Not everyone does, though. Some stay.
A lot of ambiguity and indicision
makes people uncomfortable, too.
It was fueling my anxiety, big time.
So when someone can't decide, there are two options.
Either wait, or walk away.
But what do you do when they don't want you to wait
AND they don't want you to walk away?
But why stay if they just want to kick the tires?
If they don't know, that's a no.
If they were sure, that's a yes.
Don't have to settle for a maybe. Ever.
Even if you really love the person
because you can still love them from afar.
But, I do know the pain of wanting to be with someone
who you love, who doesn't want to be with you.
I know it from both sides, actually.
I've been the persuer and the persued.
Both didn't end in ideal situations.
People cannot help the way that they feel.
Also, feelings can change.
Instantly, or over time.
Sometimes when we're flooded with emotion,
we make really f*cked up choices.
We say sh*t we don't normally say. Or wouldn't.
When someone hurts us, it is almost an instinct
to want to inflict the pain they caused us onto them.
So that they can get a taste of how it felt.
But these are automatic reactions.
I've had many chances after the fights I've had
to try to get things right, but they kept coming back
to the same unresolved issues.
Because I still felt the way that I did about those.
I wanted to reconnect, reconcile etc...
But it just wasn't happening fast enough for me.
Come to find out that I was being avoided
because "I'm so f*cked that I don't know how f*cked I am."
Yes, I'm f*cked up, but there are some worse than I.
I let my anxiety get the best of me.
Because there were a lot of questions I had.
That were not getting answered
because the answers were being withheld from me.
Because the truth was being withheld from me.
So yes, I had my suspicions
and those lead to assumptions
and that lead to other stuff...
Got my head spinning.
But it is my fault for letting my head spin in the first place.
For not learning from the other times
that my head got spinning....
And it's never been as bad as this time.
Clarity and honesty go a long way.
Communication goes a long way.
Making the effort goes a long way.
People will make the effort if they want to.
If they don't, they won't.
And what they do and don't do says something.
Actions speak louder than words.
What am I supposed to believe? words or actions?
When they say the same thing, believe it.
But if one says one thing, and the other says another thing....
What do you believe?
But not everyone acts on how they really feel.
Especially when they feel conflicted.
Because they don't know what to do.
And even when they are sure of their true feelings
they may still be unsure of what to do.
Like my situation. I'm damned if I do, and if I don't.
Because it's like if I even have a chance.....
which seems highly unlikely,
if I take it, it'd be the very last one. The very last.
And since it wasn't looking that good to begin with....
It's not likely to improve. If it did, that would be awesome.
But I really expect nothing more to come of this.
I'm pretty sure it's burned right to the ground.
I thought it was over so many times. Already.
Then things started right back up again.
We both caused a lot of irreversible damage this time.
Things didn't have to end the way they did,
my claws came out like they haven't for a long time.
I was very offended so I went on the offense too.
Stones were thrown at me, so I threw some, too.
I didn't hold back and I said things I wish I could take back, but can't.
I was so flooded with emotion at the time.
And anxiety comes, too.
My walls go up so high and I'm at the top of my tower,
shooting arrows at anyone who hurts me.
Which I know I don't have to do.
I don't have to hurt them just because they hurt me.
The instinct is to say "F*ck it. Sobeit."
And later, we regret it. The things we said
from that place of anger and pain.
But those arrows hit their mark and leave a mark.
Once you shoot an arrow, it's shot.
If it's straight through the heart, it's straight through the heart.
It makes me think of the 3 of swords card from the tarot.
Three swords piecing the heart.
I think it's grief and sorrow that the card represents.
I also think of the 5 of cups card,
which is regret and remorse.
Both are heavy sadness cards.
The 6 of cups represents someone from the past returning.
4 of swords is rest and recouperation. Recovery.
Besides, I can't keep waiting in the dark, out in the cold.
I need things brought to light,
I need some warmth and comfort from time to time.
Not all the time, but it is reassuring
without actually getting confirmation.
Anyway, I guess what makes sense to me
doesn't make sense to others.
Sometimes I don't see how
something that could be so simple
gets to be so complicated,
but then I see how I complicate things.
I see how I overreact to things.
I see how I magnify things in my mind.
I see how sometimes I project my fears.
And I see how people react to that
instead of thinking that maybe they could just talk to me
about it instead of getting mad at me when I do it.
I wish that people would accept certain things about me.
But others also wish that I would accept
certain things about them.
For the most part, I do.
But what I can't tolerate anymore
is any kind of disrespect.
Because if you allow it, it will continue.
Walls keep people out,
but boundaries show people where the door is.
If they choose to walk out that door,
let that be their choice.
If they slam it in your face, let that be their choice.
But if they do, you do not have to reopen it for them
or to them. They get to know that.
You tell them from the start, so they know.
Or you let them find out for themselves.
Either way, they learn.
I still learn the hard way, but I can say I'm learning.
I've learned that I only want to be with someone
who wants to be with me, too.
Who won't give me 'reasons'
that they keep me at a distance, push me away etc.
But I'm the fool for not accepting it as it is.
For not just saying, "okay, this is how it will be."
And just walk away towards something new.
Someone else could totally be into me
and want to get with me.
I don't want to get with anyone.
When people get pushed away too much,
they'll say "f*ck it." No point trying to get close to anyone.
Even if they want to get close to me.
I've pushed people away, too.
and someone else is seeking destruction,
you will both find what you seek.
There was something that I read that speaks to this:
"If you're afraid of losing it, it's already gone."
And when it was never yours, it isn't yours.
Lots of mixed emotions. Mixed bag.
But really, what do I expect for wearing my heart on my sleeve?
People get uncomfortable when you're too open.
They also get uncomfortable when you're too closed.
They are both instances where some people
either want to walk away or run away.
Not everyone does, though. Some stay.
A lot of ambiguity and indicision
makes people uncomfortable, too.
It was fueling my anxiety, big time.
So when someone can't decide, there are two options.
Either wait, or walk away.
But what do you do when they don't want you to wait
AND they don't want you to walk away?
But why stay if they just want to kick the tires?
If they don't know, that's a no.
If they were sure, that's a yes.
Don't have to settle for a maybe. Ever.
Even if you really love the person
because you can still love them from afar.
But, I do know the pain of wanting to be with someone
who you love, who doesn't want to be with you.
I know it from both sides, actually.
I've been the persuer and the persued.
Both didn't end in ideal situations.
People cannot help the way that they feel.
Also, feelings can change.
Instantly, or over time.
Sometimes when we're flooded with emotion,
we make really f*cked up choices.
We say sh*t we don't normally say. Or wouldn't.
When someone hurts us, it is almost an instinct
to want to inflict the pain they caused us onto them.
So that they can get a taste of how it felt.
But these are automatic reactions.
I've had many chances after the fights I've had
to try to get things right, but they kept coming back
to the same unresolved issues.
Because I still felt the way that I did about those.
I wanted to reconnect, reconcile etc...
But it just wasn't happening fast enough for me.
Come to find out that I was being avoided
because "I'm so f*cked that I don't know how f*cked I am."
Yes, I'm f*cked up, but there are some worse than I.
I let my anxiety get the best of me.
Because there were a lot of questions I had.
That were not getting answered
because the answers were being withheld from me.
Because the truth was being withheld from me.
So yes, I had my suspicions
and those lead to assumptions
and that lead to other stuff...
Got my head spinning.
But it is my fault for letting my head spin in the first place.
For not learning from the other times
that my head got spinning....
And it's never been as bad as this time.
Clarity and honesty go a long way.
Communication goes a long way.
Making the effort goes a long way.
People will make the effort if they want to.
If they don't, they won't.
And what they do and don't do says something.
Actions speak louder than words.
What am I supposed to believe? words or actions?
When they say the same thing, believe it.
But if one says one thing, and the other says another thing....
What do you believe?
But not everyone acts on how they really feel.
Especially when they feel conflicted.
Because they don't know what to do.
And even when they are sure of their true feelings
they may still be unsure of what to do.
Like my situation. I'm damned if I do, and if I don't.
Because it's like if I even have a chance.....
which seems highly unlikely,
if I take it, it'd be the very last one. The very last.
And since it wasn't looking that good to begin with....
It's not likely to improve. If it did, that would be awesome.
But I really expect nothing more to come of this.
I'm pretty sure it's burned right to the ground.
I thought it was over so many times. Already.
Then things started right back up again.
We both caused a lot of irreversible damage this time.
Things didn't have to end the way they did,
my claws came out like they haven't for a long time.
I was very offended so I went on the offense too.
Stones were thrown at me, so I threw some, too.
I didn't hold back and I said things I wish I could take back, but can't.
I was so flooded with emotion at the time.
And anxiety comes, too.
My walls go up so high and I'm at the top of my tower,
shooting arrows at anyone who hurts me.
Which I know I don't have to do.
I don't have to hurt them just because they hurt me.
The instinct is to say "F*ck it. Sobeit."
And later, we regret it. The things we said
from that place of anger and pain.
But those arrows hit their mark and leave a mark.
Once you shoot an arrow, it's shot.
If it's straight through the heart, it's straight through the heart.
It makes me think of the 3 of swords card from the tarot.
Three swords piecing the heart.
I think it's grief and sorrow that the card represents.
I also think of the 5 of cups card,
which is regret and remorse.
Both are heavy sadness cards.
The 6 of cups represents someone from the past returning.
4 of swords is rest and recouperation. Recovery.
Besides, I can't keep waiting in the dark, out in the cold.
I need things brought to light,
I need some warmth and comfort from time to time.
Not all the time, but it is reassuring
without actually getting confirmation.
Anyway, I guess what makes sense to me
doesn't make sense to others.
Sometimes I don't see how
something that could be so simple
gets to be so complicated,
but then I see how I complicate things.
I see how I overreact to things.
I see how I magnify things in my mind.
I see how sometimes I project my fears.
And I see how people react to that
instead of thinking that maybe they could just talk to me
about it instead of getting mad at me when I do it.
I wish that people would accept certain things about me.
But others also wish that I would accept
certain things about them.
For the most part, I do.
But what I can't tolerate anymore
is any kind of disrespect.
Because if you allow it, it will continue.
Walls keep people out,
but boundaries show people where the door is.
If they choose to walk out that door,
let that be their choice.
If they slam it in your face, let that be their choice.
But if they do, you do not have to reopen it for them
or to them. They get to know that.
You tell them from the start, so they know.
Or you let them find out for themselves.
Either way, they learn.
I still learn the hard way, but I can say I'm learning.
I've learned that I only want to be with someone
who wants to be with me, too.
Who won't give me 'reasons'
that they keep me at a distance, push me away etc.
But I'm the fool for not accepting it as it is.
For not just saying, "okay, this is how it will be."
And just walk away towards something new.
Someone else could totally be into me
and want to get with me.
I don't want to get with anyone.
When people get pushed away too much,
they'll say "f*ck it." No point trying to get close to anyone.
Even if they want to get close to me.
I've pushed people away, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment