Haven't been in the best frame of mind lately.
Or maybe not in the right frame of mind...
There's just been stuff going on that has been bothering me.
I rarely stand up for myself. Very rarely.
I can tell the difference between what I do and don't deserve.
And it's not about being entitled. Nobody owes me anything.
But there are common sense things.
That should be common sense.
But this is my belief that everything that makes sense to me
'should' make sense to everyone else.
Like they 'should' be able to 'see' it from MY perspective.
They have their own.
It just makes sense to treat people well
if you want them to like you.
I liked a guy who treated me like crap. Not all the time.
Just whenever it came to trying to spend time with him.
He offered me a chance to see him, I didn't take it.
Because there were so many chances to see me
that he wouldn't take... And didn't.
Thiking I'd just keep hanging on
for the chances that HE wanted to give me
when it suited HIM.
When you like someone, you want to see them.
Not come up with a thousand excuses as to why you 'can't.'
Or give me ultamatums.
"Don't send me any more messages or I will block you!"
Yeah, it's nice to think you have absolute control over someone.
Just to f*ck with their head and their heart.
Just because someone f*cked with yours...
And no, I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with him,
or anyone. I'm supposed to be working on myself.
I wasn't because I was trying to make something work
that wasn't working.
It wasn't working due to the fact that I was trying too hard
and he wasn't trying hard enough. Barely at all.
Why put the effort in when you barely have to?
When someone gets used to taking you for granted,
they will continue to.
But apparently, I'm the one who set myself up for that.
My friend even told me so. He says that I know what he's like.
So if I expect anything different of him, that's on me. It is.
He's right. He's been right.
A spade is a spade. A diamond is a diamond.
Anyway, I had another tower moment.
I was happy when we were rebuilding, or thought we were.
Rebuilding for what?
And sometimes I do blame myself.
I have to take responsibility for my part.
Whether or not they take responsibility for their's is on them.
I did play a part in it.
But it wasn't entirely MY fault.
That is what I'm getting at here.
I cannot take all the blame, all the time. Why should I?
But the way I see myself has got to change.
And just because my opinions of myself change,
it doesn't change anyone else's.
They can continue to think they are always right and never wrong.
Because they only see things from their side.
I can see where I went wrong. I lost my patience, too.
But there is a time to be patient and a time to move on.
If nothing is going to change, nothing does.
My thinking has been skewed, though. I know it has been.
But it's not just mine that has been.
Sometimes things have to just end. Sometimes badly.
I wish things had gone differently. I really do.
I had my part in it, though. I did cross the line this time.
Even if I could reverse the damage, do I want to?
Here's a story... A woman posted it. Not that it makes a difference.
She was saying how she was in the store and there was a huge line.
There was a lady who had two kids with her.
One was a toddler and the other was older.
So the older kid had a pack of glowsticks.
The baby started crying and the lady gave him a glowstick.
The older kid took it, and the baby started crying,
the kid broke it and gave it back to the baby, glowing.
She was saying how God breaks us etc.
I will substitute 'the universe' for God because I'm non religious.
So the message was that we are like that baby with the glowstick.
We don't know what it does or supposed to do, or what to do with it.
The universe breaks us by giving us hard lessons.
The lesson for me is that I can't expect things or people to be perfect.
The situation was that I was seeing a guy
who I would only get to see if it suited him to see me.
So I'd go for months without seeing him in person,
yet we were talking almost every day.
And we had these big fights that came up
because I kept telling him that treating me the way he has been
has been unfair. But that is my belief. That it was unfair.
Whenever he'd invite me over, I'd go
because I wanted to see him.
But he wouldn't accept any of my invitations,
wouldn't visit me, ever, in over a year.
It's not like a long distance thing. We live in the same city.
So he had this belief that I was making him feel bad.
Because he did feel bad about not treating me well.
But he'd blame me for the way he treated me
saying that if I didn't put him on 'guilt trips' he'd see me more.
"Would you avoid you?"
So he's trying to make me feel bad for making him feel bad
when it's not my fault if he feels bad.
Is it his fault that I feel bad? Not really.
He can say a lot of mean and sh*tty things,
but that speaks of him as a person. It doesn't mean
that I deserved the sh*ttiness. I really didn't and don't.
So the tower had to fall so that I can rebuild MYSELF.
I don't need anyone making me doubt if how I feel is valid.
Of course my feelings are valid. So are his.
I didn't always respect his feelings.
I stopped when I felt disregarded and disrespected.
It was like giving him a dose of his medicine and he didn't like it.
After like 8 months, he decides to stop flaking out
and actually see me in person.
After that, he starts flaking again.
He'd asked me to see him on his birthday.
I would have liked to see him. Maybe I should have gone to see him.
But then I get that feeling that he'll start avoiding me again after that.
Like it was okay if he wanted to see me,
but it was a big deal when I wanted to see him.
When it never had to be.
Yes, getting upset about being treated like sh*t
just made him treat me like sh*t some more.
Like I was just supposed to take it, not say anything about it,
and just be happy that I at least got that...
Like here's some bread crumbs, but I'll be damned if
I give you any water to wash it down with.
"The very little I give to you is for you."
And yes, maybe I could have found ways to appreciate
the very little I had. Was it better than nothing? Sometimes.
Did this open my eyes? Yes.
Did it break my heart? Yes.
Was I treated like a complete outsider for the most part? Yes.
But maybe this was to show me my worth.
That I AM worthwhile. Regardless of what anyone says or thinks.
If he knew me, he'd know me.
But how do you get to know someone over text alone?
Anyway, I'm emotionally drained.
I'll try to go back to sleep.
Or maybe not in the right frame of mind...
There's just been stuff going on that has been bothering me.
I rarely stand up for myself. Very rarely.
I can tell the difference between what I do and don't deserve.
And it's not about being entitled. Nobody owes me anything.
But there are common sense things.
That should be common sense.
But this is my belief that everything that makes sense to me
'should' make sense to everyone else.
Like they 'should' be able to 'see' it from MY perspective.
They have their own.
It just makes sense to treat people well
if you want them to like you.
I liked a guy who treated me like crap. Not all the time.
Just whenever it came to trying to spend time with him.
He offered me a chance to see him, I didn't take it.
Because there were so many chances to see me
that he wouldn't take... And didn't.
Thiking I'd just keep hanging on
for the chances that HE wanted to give me
when it suited HIM.
When you like someone, you want to see them.
Not come up with a thousand excuses as to why you 'can't.'
Or give me ultamatums.
"Don't send me any more messages or I will block you!"
Yeah, it's nice to think you have absolute control over someone.
Just to f*ck with their head and their heart.
Just because someone f*cked with yours...
And no, I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with him,
or anyone. I'm supposed to be working on myself.
I wasn't because I was trying to make something work
that wasn't working.
It wasn't working due to the fact that I was trying too hard
and he wasn't trying hard enough. Barely at all.
Why put the effort in when you barely have to?
When someone gets used to taking you for granted,
they will continue to.
But apparently, I'm the one who set myself up for that.
My friend even told me so. He says that I know what he's like.
So if I expect anything different of him, that's on me. It is.
He's right. He's been right.
A spade is a spade. A diamond is a diamond.
Anyway, I had another tower moment.
I was happy when we were rebuilding, or thought we were.
Rebuilding for what?
And sometimes I do blame myself.
I have to take responsibility for my part.
Whether or not they take responsibility for their's is on them.
I did play a part in it.
But it wasn't entirely MY fault.
That is what I'm getting at here.
I cannot take all the blame, all the time. Why should I?
But the way I see myself has got to change.
And just because my opinions of myself change,
it doesn't change anyone else's.
They can continue to think they are always right and never wrong.
Because they only see things from their side.
I can see where I went wrong. I lost my patience, too.
But there is a time to be patient and a time to move on.
If nothing is going to change, nothing does.
My thinking has been skewed, though. I know it has been.
But it's not just mine that has been.
Sometimes things have to just end. Sometimes badly.
I wish things had gone differently. I really do.
I had my part in it, though. I did cross the line this time.
Even if I could reverse the damage, do I want to?
Here's a story... A woman posted it. Not that it makes a difference.
She was saying how she was in the store and there was a huge line.
There was a lady who had two kids with her.
One was a toddler and the other was older.
So the older kid had a pack of glowsticks.
The baby started crying and the lady gave him a glowstick.
The older kid took it, and the baby started crying,
the kid broke it and gave it back to the baby, glowing.
She was saying how God breaks us etc.
I will substitute 'the universe' for God because I'm non religious.
So the message was that we are like that baby with the glowstick.
We don't know what it does or supposed to do, or what to do with it.
The universe breaks us by giving us hard lessons.
The lesson for me is that I can't expect things or people to be perfect.
The situation was that I was seeing a guy
who I would only get to see if it suited him to see me.
So I'd go for months without seeing him in person,
yet we were talking almost every day.
And we had these big fights that came up
because I kept telling him that treating me the way he has been
has been unfair. But that is my belief. That it was unfair.
Whenever he'd invite me over, I'd go
because I wanted to see him.
But he wouldn't accept any of my invitations,
wouldn't visit me, ever, in over a year.
It's not like a long distance thing. We live in the same city.
So he had this belief that I was making him feel bad.
Because he did feel bad about not treating me well.
But he'd blame me for the way he treated me
saying that if I didn't put him on 'guilt trips' he'd see me more.
"Would you avoid you?"
So he's trying to make me feel bad for making him feel bad
when it's not my fault if he feels bad.
Is it his fault that I feel bad? Not really.
He can say a lot of mean and sh*tty things,
but that speaks of him as a person. It doesn't mean
that I deserved the sh*ttiness. I really didn't and don't.
So the tower had to fall so that I can rebuild MYSELF.
I don't need anyone making me doubt if how I feel is valid.
Of course my feelings are valid. So are his.
I didn't always respect his feelings.
I stopped when I felt disregarded and disrespected.
It was like giving him a dose of his medicine and he didn't like it.
After like 8 months, he decides to stop flaking out
and actually see me in person.
After that, he starts flaking again.
He'd asked me to see him on his birthday.
I would have liked to see him. Maybe I should have gone to see him.
But then I get that feeling that he'll start avoiding me again after that.
Like it was okay if he wanted to see me,
but it was a big deal when I wanted to see him.
When it never had to be.
Yes, getting upset about being treated like sh*t
just made him treat me like sh*t some more.
Like I was just supposed to take it, not say anything about it,
and just be happy that I at least got that...
Like here's some bread crumbs, but I'll be damned if
I give you any water to wash it down with.
"The very little I give to you is for you."
And yes, maybe I could have found ways to appreciate
the very little I had. Was it better than nothing? Sometimes.
Did this open my eyes? Yes.
Did it break my heart? Yes.
Was I treated like a complete outsider for the most part? Yes.
But maybe this was to show me my worth.
That I AM worthwhile. Regardless of what anyone says or thinks.
If he knew me, he'd know me.
But how do you get to know someone over text alone?
Anyway, I'm emotionally drained.
I'll try to go back to sleep.
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