Some Things To Think About

Haven't written in a couple days. Been doing review stuff.

Because I'm learning a lot. I have to review it

because that's how I forgot a lot of stuff, I wasn't reviewing it.

Just as you have to teach your muscles through repetition, 

you have to teach your memory with repetition. 

Reviewing things so that it connects 

with the info stored there so the light comes on.
"This sounds familiar!"

When it becomes so familiar than it's a second nature, 

that's when you can say that you KNOW something. 

Instead of "I used to know that!"

We can't use what we used to know, 

probably because we weren't using it. 

But it's not really expected of us to remember EVERYTHING.

I don't remember most of my poems that I wrote. 

I don't commit them to memory.

I decided that I wanted to allocate my memory to other things.

Anyway, been feeling mellow mostly, lately.
The last couple of days, at least.
It's a feeling of relief from being all up in my head

about something when I probably was only seeing it

according to my beliefs about it.
Because my feelings were reflecting my thoughts

as they always do, but I felt like I was feeling the way I felt

because of the situation, not my thoughts about it.

It's like I fell into old habits of trying to pick things apart.

That don't really need to be picked apart.
They just are what they are and I keep forgetting

that I don't have to have an opinion about it

or about anything about it.
My old habit is that I form opinions

and my opinions haven't been helping me.

All it is... Is looking for justification
for the beliefs that I have that haven't been helping me, either.

And a lot of it is about how I keep looking at it.
"I'm not getting the shot I wanted..."
But, what kind of a shot am I giving myself?
Up until recently, what kind of a chance have I been giving myself?

How can I ever expect to inspire anyone

to give themselves a chance if I'm not giving myself a chance?

Today I saw this:
"You must make the CHOICE to take a CHANCE

if you ever want anything in your life to CHANGE."

Most people want their lives to just change

for the better without making better choices.

They keep wondering:
"Why does this sh*t keep happening to me?!"

Because you keep saying that it keeps happening to you.
It's like inviting it to keep happening.

They don't choose to invite other things.

Probably because they limit their choices.

They'll say things like "I don't have a choice."

Or "I didn't have a choice."

Not choosing is also a choice

whether or not you realize that it is. It is.

Like if I choose to procrastinate....
I'm choosing to postpone something.

Instead of choosing to just get it done.
When we procrastinate, there are consequences, too.

There's a consequence for every choice.

When you choose not to choose by not choosing to choose,

you lose because you're not engaging.
You're not giving yourself the choice to choose

and when you don't give yourself the choice to choose

you will teach yourself to believe that you have no choices.

I've written a bunch of posts about choices. I'll probably write more.
It's something we are taught. We learn it.
But what we often don't realize is that by giving ourself choices,

we are teaching ourselves that we DO have the choice.
That is the main thing about empowerment.

Is choosing to choose. For ourselves.

Another thing I read today is:
"You don't have to live your life

the way anyone expects you to."

They'll expect you to live up to your reputation.
If you don't want a certain reputation, you don't have to keep it.
All a reputation really is built on

are other people's expectations.
They come to expect from you what you demonstrate to them

on a consistent basis... Because you become predictable.
Even unpredictability is predictable haha.

When people are expected to follow the crowd,

they'll build on a reputation for that.
And they'll let themselves be lead by others.

Instead of leading themselves.
When you've been a follower for so long, 

it's hard to reverse the rolls.
But reversing the role you play in your own life

IS A CHOICE! THAT YOU CAN MAKE!

IF YOU TAKE THE CHANCE

TO MAKE THAT CHOICE.

I chose to quit drinking. I chose to quit smoking.
I don't drink just because others are anymore.

I don't smoke just because others are anymore.
It used to be a social thing, but it went deeper than that.
Because I wasn't just drinking and smoking with others.

I drank and smoked by myself.
So it wasn't JUST because they were, necessarily, 

but in social situations, when others were doing it,

it was kind of like peer pressure to fit in.

Now, I realize that I don't need to fit in

with people who are going to judge me

based on if I'm 'cool' enough to 'fit in.'

I tend to make people feel uncomfortable

when I don't partake in their activities.

Like they need to somehow justify it to themselves

by trying to get me to partake with them.

I was offered cocaine. I kept turning it down.
I have my limits. Hard drugs aren't for me.

I learned my lesson with some substances.
And with substance abuse, as well.

It's like our habits keep us compliant 

to the complacency they give us. 

We get so stuck in our habits

that we don't even give ourselves the choice 

to change anything.
We just comply with our 'regular' 'programs.'

Without even really thinking about

how we got there...

There was someone telling me recently

that he does 'stupid things' and is 'self-destructive.'

It is a choice to stay that way

and a choice to change.

We give ourselves our reputations

by living up to what others expect of us, 

AND living up to what WE expect from ourselves....

What have others expected of you?
What have you expected of yourself?

Do you live up to THEIR expectations?

Do you live up to YOURS?

What would it look like if someone expected better of you?

What would it look like if you expected better of you?
What would living up to it look like?

If you don't expect very much of yourself, 

then living up to it is EASY.
But then others can't expect very much of you, either.

I get it, though.
Someone was telling me a while back

that he was trying to 'manage my expectations.'

By basically showing me that I couldn't expect very much.

Because he didn't want me to expect very much.

Because he didn't want these impossible expectations to 

try to live up to.

When really, he thought I expected too much. 

I manage my own expectations. 

I don't need anyone to manage them for me. 

And when you exceed someone's expectations,

they expect you to keep exceeding their expectations...
There gets to a point that you start expecting it from yourself, too.

We can only do what we can do, true, 

but there will be times that you will see

that you can do more than you thought you could

or others thought that you could.

Then they start expecting more and more.
You start expecting more and more.

They burn you out, or you let them burn you out,

but you also let yourself burn yourself out

by always giving that extra 10% more....
More than you had in you to give... It adds up. I get it.

But that doesn't give you the right to treat someone like sh*t.

"Don't expect me to treat you any better than this...." That's bullsh*t.

Maybe it's true that most people get treated the same

by certain people and certain people get treated better....

Than the average person, 

but every person is different, so why treat them

the same way you treat everyone else?

But someone said today:

"If they don't treat you right now, they're not going to."

Because they've already shown you

how they have chosen to treat you....
How you treat a person is a choice.

Pushing people away is a choice.
"How many times does it take for you to get pushed away

before you just decide to completely back off?"
Been asking myself this because apparently it takes me

many times.... Sometimes only a few.

Sometimes only once.

Depending on some factors.

If I'm going after something I really want, 

I stay the course.

But often, when I get what I thought I wanted...
It's like: "Why did I want this?"

So sometimes I forget those times

when I got what I wanted but realized later

that it wasn't really what I wanted.
It was something I thought that I wanted. 

"Be careful what you wish for."

We get to choose what we pay attention to.

Where we direct our attention. 

When we pay too much attention to our own thoughts,

and our own feelings.... We don't see how we can

get ourselves out of that energy.

It feels like we're stuck on it 

because we paid it so much attention

that our attention to it gave it MORE energy.

If we keep going through those motions, it gets momentum

and that momentum can be stopped, 

but the more it has, the harder it is to stop.
I know what it's like. I'm used to creating momentum

for things that don't need any.

We tend to rely on the patterns we've already made.

Because they are tried and 'true' or we think they are.

If all anyone was told were lies....

Wouldn't they start believing that they are true?

If he's unaware that they are lies, yes. Absolutely.
I believed a lot of sh*t that I was acting on.

My habits that I formed around some beliefs....
Still trying to break those habits, 

but somewhere in my mind, it seems that I still believe

some bullsh*t. Or some forms of it.
Some lies I've been telling myself

to justify my beliefs....

The lies I've bought into....
Because somehow I was convinced

that the bullsh*t was actually true.