Tonight, I went over to the mall to do some reading. Over a cup of coffee.
Been feeling low lately. I realized some things.
Connected to a few experiences I've had over the past few months.
That had to do with some interactions and reactions I've had.
Also some patterns that I've been somewhat in denial about.
I took my book over to the mall and did some reading there,
then after I did some reading, I did some thinking about some things.
Like why I was taking some things to heart and taking things personally.
My reactions to certain things haven't changed
and I can't do anything about that unless I acknowledge it, first.
The next step is to think of some alternative ways to look at some things.
Because in actuality, it isn't about the thing I'm reacting to,
it's about the reaction and what triggers that reaction.
A lot of it is about my beliefs.
I can't hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time.
Just as I can't think two different ways at the same time
or go in two opposing directions at the same time.
Also can't look to others for certain things that have nothing to do with them.
Yes, I have certain feelings and certain desires. I'm allowed to have those.
It's even natural to have those.
But they don't have to run the way I feel.
They don't have to become my prison walls.
Most of it goes way back to what I didn't get when I needed it.
From people who just couldn't give it to me.
Which isn't their fault.
I couldn't tell them I needed certain things from them.
Also, I didn't know I needed those things.
Also, they didn't know I needed those or how it would affect me.
Like emotional attunement. Acknowledgement, etc.
Everyone in my life has been emotionally devoid, detached.
Which seems to have heightened my emotional needs or whatever.
I've had certain reactions to disappointment and things like this.
Which combined with certain thought distortions... Brings up certain feelings.
Which I always felt like was beyond my control, but it's not.
These reactions, emotional reactions...
Keep triggering these patterns that aren't helping me.
These aren't the patterns I want to have in my life. They aren't healthy.
They lead to certain choices that aren't healthy either.
Like these reactions seem to be automatic.
Like jumping to conclusions, taking things to heart, taking things personally.
Feeling all kinds of negative emotions.
I'm not mad at anyone, I'm just seeing things from a different angle.
It's revealed to me that I have some work to do on myself.
Well, more than just some. But work in these specific areas.
So if I have to pull away from others to look more closely at myself,
then that's a healthy choice I can make for myself
that will ultimately benefit others in the long run.
Because my feelings are coming from my reactions, and my thoughts.
They aren't on the hook for how I feel about them or towards them.
They aren't responsible for how I feel or how I react.
Or how I think. They're not. I am. Only me.
And only I can work on these things.
Because they are my things. Not theirs.
My desires and needs are mine, not theirs.
My reactions are mine, not theirs.
My choices are mine, not theirs.
My thoughts are mine, not theirs.
My patterns are mine, not theirs.
My emotions are mine, not theirs.
ALL things I can WORK on. In the coming months.
All things that can lead to a major shift for me.
All things that can lead to a huge transformation for me.
Nobody is to blame for anything that is mine. If anyone is, it's me.
The thing is that there are triggers that don't have to result
in the same states in any of these regards.
I've been in certain states that I'm not satisfied with.
My own dissatisfaction is what's been causing my unhappiness.
It's not because so and so said this or did that.
I used to think it was about that, but it's not.
And every now and then I get pulled into that,
then I have to recognize things that I already know,
and figure some things out, again.
I used to want to blame others, everyone.
Because I wanted to make it about them, but it's not. Never was.
"If so and so did this or didn't do that, I'd have reacted differently."
It's about reacting differently regardless of what they did or didn't do.
But it took having these reactions to things to get to realize this.
It took looking at it to realize this.
And really thinking about it.
So and so doesn't have to be different for me to have a better reaction.
I just have to work on my reactions. That's it.
Better reactions means feeling better over all
and having a better sense of control.
It's not the situations or the people involved that I need any control over.
It's my sense of control that I need control over.
It's my own empowerment and my own liberty I need control over.
So I can just feel better about feeling better.
I was thinking about that also. I don't have to do a complete 180.
If I can pivot a degree or two in the other direction, that feels better
than being stuck in a state that I don't want to be in.
Mentally, emotionally, psychologically.
Each and every degree I can turn away from those states
is a degree I can turn towards a desired state.
And I don't expect people to understand. I really don't.
Even a bit more clarity helps me get out of the state of confusion.
And helps me with some certainty which gives me some hope.
Which feels so much better than feeling like I've been feeling
over the past few months.
Yes, there was a catalyst, but it had to unfold the way it had to.
Otherwise I wouldn't have had much to think about
or I would have been thinking about other things
and I would have come to different conclusions.
Making better choices for me has helped me have a bit more faith in myself.
Which does actually help with my self-esteem. Go figure.
Been feeling low lately. I realized some things.
Connected to a few experiences I've had over the past few months.
That had to do with some interactions and reactions I've had.
Also some patterns that I've been somewhat in denial about.
I took my book over to the mall and did some reading there,
then after I did some reading, I did some thinking about some things.
Like why I was taking some things to heart and taking things personally.
My reactions to certain things haven't changed
and I can't do anything about that unless I acknowledge it, first.
The next step is to think of some alternative ways to look at some things.
Because in actuality, it isn't about the thing I'm reacting to,
it's about the reaction and what triggers that reaction.
A lot of it is about my beliefs.
I can't hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time.
Just as I can't think two different ways at the same time
or go in two opposing directions at the same time.
Also can't look to others for certain things that have nothing to do with them.
Yes, I have certain feelings and certain desires. I'm allowed to have those.
It's even natural to have those.
But they don't have to run the way I feel.
They don't have to become my prison walls.
Most of it goes way back to what I didn't get when I needed it.
From people who just couldn't give it to me.
Which isn't their fault.
I couldn't tell them I needed certain things from them.
Also, I didn't know I needed those things.
Also, they didn't know I needed those or how it would affect me.
Like emotional attunement. Acknowledgement, etc.
Everyone in my life has been emotionally devoid, detached.
Which seems to have heightened my emotional needs or whatever.
I've had certain reactions to disappointment and things like this.
Which combined with certain thought distortions... Brings up certain feelings.
Which I always felt like was beyond my control, but it's not.
These reactions, emotional reactions...
Keep triggering these patterns that aren't helping me.
These aren't the patterns I want to have in my life. They aren't healthy.
They lead to certain choices that aren't healthy either.
Like these reactions seem to be automatic.
Like jumping to conclusions, taking things to heart, taking things personally.
Feeling all kinds of negative emotions.
I'm not mad at anyone, I'm just seeing things from a different angle.
It's revealed to me that I have some work to do on myself.
Well, more than just some. But work in these specific areas.
So if I have to pull away from others to look more closely at myself,
then that's a healthy choice I can make for myself
that will ultimately benefit others in the long run.
Because my feelings are coming from my reactions, and my thoughts.
They aren't on the hook for how I feel about them or towards them.
They aren't responsible for how I feel or how I react.
Or how I think. They're not. I am. Only me.
And only I can work on these things.
Because they are my things. Not theirs.
My desires and needs are mine, not theirs.
My reactions are mine, not theirs.
My choices are mine, not theirs.
My thoughts are mine, not theirs.
My patterns are mine, not theirs.
My emotions are mine, not theirs.
ALL things I can WORK on. In the coming months.
All things that can lead to a major shift for me.
All things that can lead to a huge transformation for me.
Nobody is to blame for anything that is mine. If anyone is, it's me.
The thing is that there are triggers that don't have to result
in the same states in any of these regards.
I've been in certain states that I'm not satisfied with.
My own dissatisfaction is what's been causing my unhappiness.
It's not because so and so said this or did that.
I used to think it was about that, but it's not.
And every now and then I get pulled into that,
then I have to recognize things that I already know,
and figure some things out, again.
I used to want to blame others, everyone.
Because I wanted to make it about them, but it's not. Never was.
"If so and so did this or didn't do that, I'd have reacted differently."
It's about reacting differently regardless of what they did or didn't do.
But it took having these reactions to things to get to realize this.
It took looking at it to realize this.
And really thinking about it.
So and so doesn't have to be different for me to have a better reaction.
I just have to work on my reactions. That's it.
Better reactions means feeling better over all
and having a better sense of control.
It's not the situations or the people involved that I need any control over.
It's my sense of control that I need control over.
It's my own empowerment and my own liberty I need control over.
So I can just feel better about feeling better.
I was thinking about that also. I don't have to do a complete 180.
If I can pivot a degree or two in the other direction, that feels better
than being stuck in a state that I don't want to be in.
Mentally, emotionally, psychologically.
Each and every degree I can turn away from those states
is a degree I can turn towards a desired state.
And I don't expect people to understand. I really don't.
Even a bit more clarity helps me get out of the state of confusion.
And helps me with some certainty which gives me some hope.
Which feels so much better than feeling like I've been feeling
over the past few months.
Yes, there was a catalyst, but it had to unfold the way it had to.
Otherwise I wouldn't have had much to think about
or I would have been thinking about other things
and I would have come to different conclusions.
Making better choices for me has helped me have a bit more faith in myself.
Which does actually help with my self-esteem. Go figure.
No comments:
Post a Comment