Insecurity

I guess it's fair to say that all this isolation has been f*cking with me.
All the thoughts that come with this isolation...
Bringing out all the doubts I have about myself.
"If I was.... (Whatever)... People would want to be around me." Etc.
I wouldn't be trying to get attention from certain people
who I want attention from. Etc.
But it really has very little do with others.
I has to do with ME and WHY I feel the way I feel.

This isn't what I should be focusing on,
but it actually is because it is still an issue for me.
I'm alone because I have to deal with my feelings about being alone.
My feelings about wanting a connection with someone.
But not just anyone. It takes two.

It's hard to explain. I'm allowed to have feelings
and allowed to have needs and desires.
But I'm allowed to feel like I'm worth more than this, too.
Like worth the time, effort, reciprocation.
Being taken seriously.
I am also allowed to change my mind.
I am allowed to walk away when someone won't open up.
Like refuses to make the time or make the effort.

Anyway, I know all these experiences are serving a purpose.
Even the heartbreak, the suffering, the pain, the isolation,
the self doubt and the insecurity....

If I believed in myself more, would I be as insecure? Probably not.