Incremental (Part 2)

So I'm slowly getting back into coding and web design again.
Someone had an opinion about my design
and I stopped for a while. I know I don't have to have a reaction to it,
and I know I'm only a beginner, but I like to think I know a decent amount.
Enough to be getting into some animation stuff.

It's something to keep me occupied,
but I am still thinking about some stuff.
It's hard not to, but at least I'm making some more realizations.
I feel like I'm going to have a breakthrough soon enough.

Anyway, a little bit here and there with the coding stuff.
It'll add up over time. Same with the other stuff.
This morning, I was practicing some of it on the bus.
On my way to the kitchen.
It's related to colors, and it's been helping me.
The more I practice it, the better I'll get at it.
The more I practice any of it.

There's something I read tonight about emotions.
It'll be a topic I'll be exploring for a while.
Because it's something I've been struggling with.
I've been seeing certain triggers setting me off, mostly thoughts about things.
With the show of emotion, there's 3 display rules.
Minimizing,, exaggerating, and substituting.
You've probably seen me do all three when I'm writing about emotional things.
"Emotions are both the medium and the message."
"Emotional displays, of course, have immediate consequences
in the impact they make on the person who receives them."

I've always wanted to be open and honest about how I feel.
I was taught to just bury emotions which I still do, 
but this makes things worse, often.
Because when we constantly bury our feelings,
we get good at burrying them, not expressing them.
Then we get to a point that we can't expess them at all.

And often when I have beared my feelings,
people have gotten mad at me for 'emotionally manipulating' them
when all I was doing was just being honest about how I was feeling.
But we have no control over how someone reacts to our display of emotion.
If they get mad, they get mad. Let them. Nothing we can do about that
and them getting mad at our honestly is not our fault.
I can't 'emotionally manipulate' any more than I'm willing to be 'manipulated.'
People can react and respond however they choose to.
I have lived with people who got angry easily. Very easily.
Probably because they can't express their other emotions as easily.
They learn to express feelings that have been expressed to them.
They also learn to express those feelings in a similar way
that have been displayed to them.
Minimized, exaggerated, and substituted.

I can think of certain feelings I've been having that are minimized,
exaggerated, and ones I've substituted for others.

We can catch 'moods' from people.
Some interactions can be very toxic, some nurturing.
When we are around negative people most of the time,
we end up feeling negative, ourselves. I think it's the vibe they project.
When we are around positive people, it's easier to feel posivitely.
The way we say things and hear things can also set a 'mood'.

"We send emotional signals in every encounter that affect those we are with."
We're also affected by those we are with.
Mostly subconsciously. Because we can receive messages subconsciously.
"We are all part of each other's toolkit for emotional change.
For better or for worse. Even what we don't do has an effect.
It's not just what we do and say, it's also what we don't do and don't say.
Honestly, I'm lacking on both sides.
And been affected by both sides.
Wanting and even needing to hear certain things,
but I'm not saying those things to myself to reassure myself. I could.
But for whatever reason, I decided it sounds better and means more
coming from someone else and I turned that into a belief
that I carried with me for a long time.
A belief that has caused a lot of suffering, that I didn't need to cause myself.
We're not always careful what we say to ourselves,
also we're not always deciding and choosing what to say to ourselves.
It  was just last year that I read that book.
"What To Say When You Talk To Yourself." By Shad Helmstetter.
I'll probably read it again, a few times.
One of the reasons I like to write what I read about
is because I often forget the things I've read. I don't know why.
It's pretty frustrating and makes learning difficult.

I read incrementally. I am reading more these days.
Had been putting it off for a while, among other things.
I'm trying to shift my focus more. To other things.
Other activitities so I don't just let my mind lose on itself.
It's so much harder at night though. Which is why I read and write more at night.

I do have a lot to think about and a lot of thinking to do,
but I get so stuck into it. It's fine when I finally realize something,
when I finally make a breakthrough,
but I can drive myself into having a breakdown, too.
Which obviously is counterproductive.

But.... There are patterns that lead to everything.
Breakthroughs and breakdowns.
When we figure out what those patterns are,
we can start having more breakthroughs than not.
There was a time that I was having many, each day, for a while.
I don't know how I got to that 'space' or how I got away from it.
It was pretty amazing and I felt pretty good back then.
It wasn't even like being proud of myself for reaching those conclusions,
but just happy that I was able to.
I think the more I appreciated it, the more I was able to.