So.... I've been getting my ass handed to me... More on this in a bit...
I'll start with a dream I had that I was in some spirituality cult thing.
Many people were in it, we were doing some sort of ritual thing.
The details escape me, but it was interesting, I guess.
It actually felt nice. Like the ritual seemed beneficial
and being around others who had similar interests or whatever,
it just felt like a sense of belonging, bonding. Togetherness.
I woke up to a spirituality video playing.
Which influenced my dream apparently.
It's neat how we can still hear things while we're asleep.
Anyway.... Today... Where do I start?
I'm on the breakfast shift this week. So I had to wake up early.
Which was fine. I got there early. That was fine.
I had to work with a cook I don't like working with.
Because a lot of the time she leaves me hanging.
Like last time, I was working with her, I was cooking fries in the deep fryer.
It was my first time using the deep fryer, period.
I guess I was too slow or whatever so they got a guy in my group
to take over my station, but then they didn't give me another task.
I asked for one, but she didn't give me one.
So I tried to keep myself busy with cleaning.
Because I don't want Chef to see me standing around not doing anything.
So... Today... I was working with her again. This time they had me on the grill.
It was my first time using the grill, period.
My task was to make French Toast. Like 600 of them in like 2.5 hours.
Doing 20 of them at a time. But I wasn't going fast enough.
Even though I was going as fast as I could.
The cook stepped in and took over
and I was left standing there with nothing to do.
I felt like an incompetent fool.
It's an easy job if you're doing maybe a batch,
but no, you're cooking for like 300 people... And you have to go fast.
So the volunteers on the line were coming up to me and taking my pans
that weren't even a f*cking quarter full and like standing there,
waiting impatiently for me to cook them.
I got behind because I went to get some water for like 5 minutes.
I told the cook on the way there that I was doing it, she didn't hear me.
Then she tried giving me sh*t for not telling her even though I did.
I have to try to hydrate myself because if I don't, my blood pressure will drop
and when that happens, I'm pretty useless because I'm practically passing out.
I don't want to end up doing a faceplant onto the grill.
Bad enough I accidentally touched it and my latex glove melted onto my finger.
So after breakfast, I scrubbed the f*ck out of the grill.
Because I wanted to feel competent enough to do SOMETHING right today.
I had an emotional reaction to this experience, though.
I tried to hold it all in and hold it back, but I nearly cried.
Because my emotions got that intense and almost overwhelmed me.
I do not like crying in front of anyone. I'd rather get mad than f*cking cry.
And I was mad at myself for not being able to f*cking keep up.
B**** told me not to get discouraged. But he did warn me about the pancakes.
He told me "The pancakes are a f*cking nightmare."
So I have the warning and I can try to brace myself,
but nightmares are nightmares... At least I know in advance.
Like on Friday, it wouldn't have been so bad if they had another task ready for me.
Instead of like: "Okay, he's taking over." And then I'm like... "Now what?"
The guy I was hoping would get kicked out, did. Out of his group.
Now he's in my group... And he always has something to say about everything.
BUT whenever I try to say anything, he doesn't f*cking listen.
So I don't bother saying anything, anymore. No point.
I just let him run his mouth, but like 4 more months of this...
February is a shorter month, though. At least.
And we get the weekends off. Unless we are doing catering.
I hope I don't have catering until I get to do some in the kitchen first.
Seeing as I'm ridiculously hopeless, they'll just stick me on salads or something.
I can at least make a f*cking salad. Thankfully, I'm not THAT hopeless.
I'm cursing up a storm today because I'm just tired of this already.
Also, I'm in a 'mood.'
I figured out why I've been so emotional lately.
Some stuff came up from the past and just... I wasn't prepared for it. At all.
And I still don't know what to do with it or about it.
If I try to bury it again, it'll come up, again. That I know for sure.
And when we repress sh*t, it does come back up. With a vengeance.
Like it has some sort of a vendetta or something.
Like: "I didn't kick you where it hurts hard enough? How about THIS?!"
To top it all off, the guy who stood me up...
He got on the same bus as me. I saw him. He sat behind me.
We didn't say one word to each other. I saw him get off the bus.
That was that. I just wasn't prepared to see him, I guess.
I knew I would eventually, he works in my building.
That's how I met him in the first place.
So I know the chances of seeing him again are pretty high.
I did tell myself I didn't have to have any opinion about him,
about our last interaction, about any of it.
Also, I told myself I didn't have to have a reaction.
In the kitchen, it was different, though. I want to do well in there.
I know Chef is watching us all the time.
So I don't want to look like a f*cking idiot. But I sure as hell felt like one.
"Don't believe everything you think or feel."
It was like: "WTF!!! I can't even flip French Toast?!?!"
Cooking for like 300 people is a lot different from cooking for yourself.
I can only hope that I get better at it, but I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Yes, that's dramatic, but at the time... I felt like such crap.
I hope they have me chopping something tomorrow.
I really do not want to go back on that grill any time soon.
I'll start with a dream I had that I was in some spirituality cult thing.
Many people were in it, we were doing some sort of ritual thing.
The details escape me, but it was interesting, I guess.
It actually felt nice. Like the ritual seemed beneficial
and being around others who had similar interests or whatever,
it just felt like a sense of belonging, bonding. Togetherness.
I woke up to a spirituality video playing.
Which influenced my dream apparently.
It's neat how we can still hear things while we're asleep.
Anyway.... Today... Where do I start?
I'm on the breakfast shift this week. So I had to wake up early.
Which was fine. I got there early. That was fine.
I had to work with a cook I don't like working with.
Because a lot of the time she leaves me hanging.
Like last time, I was working with her, I was cooking fries in the deep fryer.
It was my first time using the deep fryer, period.
I guess I was too slow or whatever so they got a guy in my group
to take over my station, but then they didn't give me another task.
I asked for one, but she didn't give me one.
So I tried to keep myself busy with cleaning.
Because I don't want Chef to see me standing around not doing anything.
So... Today... I was working with her again. This time they had me on the grill.
It was my first time using the grill, period.
My task was to make French Toast. Like 600 of them in like 2.5 hours.
Doing 20 of them at a time. But I wasn't going fast enough.
Even though I was going as fast as I could.
The cook stepped in and took over
and I was left standing there with nothing to do.
I felt like an incompetent fool.
It's an easy job if you're doing maybe a batch,
but no, you're cooking for like 300 people... And you have to go fast.
So the volunteers on the line were coming up to me and taking my pans
that weren't even a f*cking quarter full and like standing there,
waiting impatiently for me to cook them.
I got behind because I went to get some water for like 5 minutes.
I told the cook on the way there that I was doing it, she didn't hear me.
Then she tried giving me sh*t for not telling her even though I did.
I have to try to hydrate myself because if I don't, my blood pressure will drop
and when that happens, I'm pretty useless because I'm practically passing out.
I don't want to end up doing a faceplant onto the grill.
Bad enough I accidentally touched it and my latex glove melted onto my finger.
So after breakfast, I scrubbed the f*ck out of the grill.
Because I wanted to feel competent enough to do SOMETHING right today.
I had an emotional reaction to this experience, though.
I tried to hold it all in and hold it back, but I nearly cried.
Because my emotions got that intense and almost overwhelmed me.
I do not like crying in front of anyone. I'd rather get mad than f*cking cry.
And I was mad at myself for not being able to f*cking keep up.
B**** told me not to get discouraged. But he did warn me about the pancakes.
He told me "The pancakes are a f*cking nightmare."
So I have the warning and I can try to brace myself,
but nightmares are nightmares... At least I know in advance.
Like on Friday, it wouldn't have been so bad if they had another task ready for me.
Instead of like: "Okay, he's taking over." And then I'm like... "Now what?"
The guy I was hoping would get kicked out, did. Out of his group.
Now he's in my group... And he always has something to say about everything.
BUT whenever I try to say anything, he doesn't f*cking listen.
So I don't bother saying anything, anymore. No point.
I just let him run his mouth, but like 4 more months of this...
February is a shorter month, though. At least.
And we get the weekends off. Unless we are doing catering.
I hope I don't have catering until I get to do some in the kitchen first.
Seeing as I'm ridiculously hopeless, they'll just stick me on salads or something.
I can at least make a f*cking salad. Thankfully, I'm not THAT hopeless.
I'm cursing up a storm today because I'm just tired of this already.
Also, I'm in a 'mood.'
I figured out why I've been so emotional lately.
Some stuff came up from the past and just... I wasn't prepared for it. At all.
And I still don't know what to do with it or about it.
If I try to bury it again, it'll come up, again. That I know for sure.
And when we repress sh*t, it does come back up. With a vengeance.
Like it has some sort of a vendetta or something.
Like: "I didn't kick you where it hurts hard enough? How about THIS?!"
To top it all off, the guy who stood me up...
He got on the same bus as me. I saw him. He sat behind me.
We didn't say one word to each other. I saw him get off the bus.
That was that. I just wasn't prepared to see him, I guess.
I knew I would eventually, he works in my building.
That's how I met him in the first place.
So I know the chances of seeing him again are pretty high.
I did tell myself I didn't have to have any opinion about him,
about our last interaction, about any of it.
Also, I told myself I didn't have to have a reaction.
In the kitchen, it was different, though. I want to do well in there.
I know Chef is watching us all the time.
So I don't want to look like a f*cking idiot. But I sure as hell felt like one.
"Don't believe everything you think or feel."
It was like: "WTF!!! I can't even flip French Toast?!?!"
Cooking for like 300 people is a lot different from cooking for yourself.
I can only hope that I get better at it, but I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Yes, that's dramatic, but at the time... I felt like such crap.
I hope they have me chopping something tomorrow.
I really do not want to go back on that grill any time soon.
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