It's been confusing and frustrating for me lately.
Wanting to move forward in the ways I want to, but being restricted.
The restriction has actually been a safety net,
but I just felt stuck and hated it. Not seeing much, if any movement. At all.
Things need effort to work. I know this. I've been trying.
Wondering why others aren't making enough effort to meet me half way.
Then all these intense emotional reactions...
To all these triggers... Overthinking, overreacting, oversensitivy...
So much emotional intensity... It's hard to take. It really is.
I burried so much of it, it came flooding back.
Then I just wanted to run from it or I was going to drown in it.
So I am withdrawing because it really doesn't feel good.
I'm going to bed soon. Been coding and stuff most of the night.
Also gaining some insights and perspectives from astrology videos.
There's a new moon... Or was on the 4th.
Venus has entered my sign. Maybe all this emphasis on these emotional things.
For a while, I didn't even care about any of it.
There's so much to focus on. Other than this.
Spirituality things, growth things, etc.
Yes, I want satisfaction and fulfillment. Like most.
But maybe I have to redefine that. Maybe if it looked different,
I'd be trying to attain it in other ways, other forms, etc.
There are many things to be satisfied with. Many.
Things haven't been moving forward in the ways I want them to.
Things haven't been moving as fast as I want them to.
I can't even move as fast as I want to.
There are a lot of blocks, delays, challenges.
They are there for a reason.
Like those barriers that prevent people from driving off the road...
And maybe those barriers are carriers.
Carrying me away from certain death etc.
Maybe certain roads are closed for maintenance.
Maybe some of them are closed for the winter.
It's like "Don't run on the ice!"
Sure, ice is nice for some things, but don't run on it.
Don't put your hand on the grill.
And if you do it, how many times do you have to do it
to realize why you shouldn't do it?
Like we can be told not to do it and learn that way,
or we can do it and see why we shouldn't,
but we don't have to.
Our parents probably told us not to put our hand on the hot burner on the stove.
And we listened, didn't we?
Why don't we listen when the Universe says:
"Hey, don't do this. I'm warning you not to do it." ?
Because the Universe just gives us clues to communicate.
It doesn't have a big booming voice that it can use
to speak directly to us.
So it puts on the breaks for us
or it makes things so intense for us that we want to slam on the brakes.
We can come to a rolling stop, a screeching halt,
or we can see the stop sign and just ignore it,
hoping we'll make it to the other side without getting hit
or causing an 'accident.'
It isn't an 'accident' when we choose to do something that causes it.
So sometimes it gets super intense so that we stop of our own will.
Otherwise those barriers on the road aren't going to be enough.
We can and will derail if we try to go too fast.
Wanting to move forward in the ways I want to, but being restricted.
The restriction has actually been a safety net,
but I just felt stuck and hated it. Not seeing much, if any movement. At all.
Things need effort to work. I know this. I've been trying.
Wondering why others aren't making enough effort to meet me half way.
Then all these intense emotional reactions...
To all these triggers... Overthinking, overreacting, oversensitivy...
So much emotional intensity... It's hard to take. It really is.
I burried so much of it, it came flooding back.
Then I just wanted to run from it or I was going to drown in it.
So I am withdrawing because it really doesn't feel good.
I'm going to bed soon. Been coding and stuff most of the night.
Also gaining some insights and perspectives from astrology videos.
There's a new moon... Or was on the 4th.
Venus has entered my sign. Maybe all this emphasis on these emotional things.
For a while, I didn't even care about any of it.
There's so much to focus on. Other than this.
Spirituality things, growth things, etc.
Yes, I want satisfaction and fulfillment. Like most.
But maybe I have to redefine that. Maybe if it looked different,
I'd be trying to attain it in other ways, other forms, etc.
There are many things to be satisfied with. Many.
Things haven't been moving forward in the ways I want them to.
Things haven't been moving as fast as I want them to.
I can't even move as fast as I want to.
There are a lot of blocks, delays, challenges.
They are there for a reason.
Like those barriers that prevent people from driving off the road...
And maybe those barriers are carriers.
Carrying me away from certain death etc.
Maybe certain roads are closed for maintenance.
Maybe some of them are closed for the winter.
It's like "Don't run on the ice!"
Sure, ice is nice for some things, but don't run on it.
Don't put your hand on the grill.
And if you do it, how many times do you have to do it
to realize why you shouldn't do it?
Like we can be told not to do it and learn that way,
or we can do it and see why we shouldn't,
but we don't have to.
Our parents probably told us not to put our hand on the hot burner on the stove.
And we listened, didn't we?
Why don't we listen when the Universe says:
"Hey, don't do this. I'm warning you not to do it." ?
Because the Universe just gives us clues to communicate.
It doesn't have a big booming voice that it can use
to speak directly to us.
So it puts on the breaks for us
or it makes things so intense for us that we want to slam on the brakes.
We can come to a rolling stop, a screeching halt,
or we can see the stop sign and just ignore it,
hoping we'll make it to the other side without getting hit
or causing an 'accident.'
It isn't an 'accident' when we choose to do something that causes it.
So sometimes it gets super intense so that we stop of our own will.
Otherwise those barriers on the road aren't going to be enough.
We can and will derail if we try to go too fast.
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