Reviews

I spent at least a couple hours this morning reading the chapter.
From the beginning to the end.
That's all I can do at this point since I didn't study last night.
My mind was all over the place and I wasn't feeling very good.
Physically, I felt fine. Emotionally... That's another story.
Could possibly be related to hormones, but I don't have to write about it.
It's just good to think of the possibilities to understand the causes more.
I think I'll feel better after today.
Because I can only do what I can with what I know.
Otherwise, if I don't know... How am I supposed to do anything with it?
I'm still learning. Lately it's about food and mood.
Food does affect mood, though.

So I did a bit of a review today. I think it helped.
I feel a bit better going into this now.
Better than I would have had I not done the review.

I did a bit of a review on some spirituality stuff and it has helped, too.
I've been having issues with accepting things.
Because obviously I want things to be different.
The thing is that I can't let what I observe affect me.
I have to let myself affect the things that I observe.
Everything, or most things, are backwards.
It takes time to get used to the new paradigm.
And to OWN it.

Operate Within New paradigm...
There are so many things I keep forgetting
because the old paradigm is so hard to let go of.
There's still certain rules I have to follow and live by
at least partially to operate out THERE.
So I forget about the rules I have to follow and live by
at least partially to operate in HERE.

One of those rules being that certain things that used to matter
don't actually have to matter anymore.
The problem being is that they still seem to matter to me,
as much as they always have.
Especially when it comes to other people
and trying to relate and have certain relationships with others
because that's what I've wanted for so long.
Even though how I feel has nothing to do with any of that.
I used those as a reason to feel good, about myself and in general.
To feel like I had the ability to be liked and likeable.
To feel like I had the ability to have people in my life.
Who actually wanted to be in my life.
I thought that's what would 'make' me happy.
But nothing does or will or can because it doesn't work that way.
And I'm still trying to fool myself by thinking it does to some degree.
Even though that's an old, outdated belief.

But it's nothing to do with any of that!
Nothing to do with anything I was taught that it was.
Or thought that it was... It doesn't.
It's actually about appreciation and satisfaction.
Like unconditional appreciation and satisfaction.
Not just appreciating the things we want or like. All of it.
Even the things we don't want or don't like.
Because without those, we wouldn't have the things we want or like.

Satisfaction is about just being satisfied with how things are
and with what we already have. Desire is at the root of suffering.
Like the four paths of Buddhism.
Wanting will keep us wanting.
Because the Universe says yes.
"I want this...." "Yes, you do."
"I don't have this... "Yes, it's true."
"I'm sad." "Yes, it's true."

The trick is to trick it into saying yes to what we want.
Without wanting what we want.