It Feels Good To Know

It's fine. All of it. This is what I tell myself.
I let things unfold the way they are going to, because they already are.
I know this sounds repetitive. It's mostly me just convincing myself.
Of things I should already be convinced of.
I was thinking about this on the bus on the way home tonight.
It was a long day. Really long.
We covered 13 chapters and then took an exam.
It was 50 questions and I'm confident that I passed it.
So I feel pretty good about that part being over now.
And the other part is pretty much over.
I say pretty much because sometimes I keep giving people chances
even when they don't deserve them.
But that's me judging someone based on how I'm being treated.
Like good for a few laughs when they are bored. Whatever.
I guess it was fun while it lasted.... Again, whatever.

I keep thinking more judgmental thoughts
that aren't necessary. They're just thoughts.
We'll see how time passes and what happens from here.
That's the best I can do with it.
Yes, I am disappointed, but I don't want to be upset.
So I can't think about it too much.
I had a few periods of calm where I didn't think about it at all.
And I know that I'll put it out of my mind. Eventually.
The sooner the better.

Anyway, I'll share a couple thoughts about it first,
then I'll start writing something else.
I was just thinking that this is probably bothering me
because I've been feeling insecure lately.
And the more it bothers me, the more insecure I feel.
I remember last year, I had more moments like that.
I took a few things pretty hard. A lot of rejection stuff.
A lot of hurt feelings and stuff. A lot of insecurity stuff.
Which is nothing new. I still have those moments.
Because I guess that stuff still matters to me. To some degree,
or it just wouldn't and it wouldn't keep crossing my mind
and weighing heavy on my heart and on my soul.

I don't know when I'm just going to say "Enough is enough!"
I don't want to feel like that ever again. Just don't.
I know other people feel that way, have similar thoughts and feelings,
and get caught up in it sometimes. It gets lonely. Whatever.
I guess I was hoping to have at least one date this year.
But I really have to work on my confidence outside all of this, any of it.
That's part of the reason I'm in this program.
To develop my skills. To start feeling competent and confident.
A new job would deinitely help, too, but that is a bonus.
It's not the primary goal.
I guess the secondary goal is to meet new people, too.
I've been meeting people here and there.
I'd like to make some friends outside the program.
It's okay if I don't. It is whatever it is.

When I'm tired, it makes it hard to concentrate.
So this new stuff falls away and I start going into old reactions to things.
It seems to be a bit of a pattern for me.
It's a good idea to recognize patterns.
When things are easier, when things are harder...
When we really struggle with some things....
For me, it's at night, when I'm really tired,
and when I have a hard time reigning in my emotions,
other things get harder.

So I've been looking at things I have no resistance to.
Anything. Whether it's a tree I walk by, something that catches my eye,
whatever it is. Also, I have been reaching for the feeling of relief.
Like the relief that I felt when I was finished the exam.
The relief I felt when I got home....
Relief is a lot better than feeling grief...
It's really a matter of changing my mind which isn't the easiest task it seems.
It is an option, though. Always an option. For everyone.
Which is, in itself, a relief.
There are things like this, though...
It's a relief to know certain things. Even to be able to remind myself of those.
It's like "Wow, I have more choices now."
"I forgot this was a choice that I can make right now."
"I feels good to know I have this choice."