It's Hard To Explain

I get off my path when I start focusing on other things,
like this program for one. I know it's a good thing. A stepping stone.
It's been extremely consuming.
I was getting to a better place and now all I can think about is this.
I have other things on my mind, too.
Things I can't explain, really. Nor do I really want to go there.
I know I'm capable of making pretty bad decisions,
and I know that I have made some. That kind of goes with that.
So I have to be careful in what I do.
Not that I'll really get a chance to really do anything.
I'm pretty sure that the day won't come.
Since I've already been waiting so long.
But I'm trying not to focus on things like that. It can be hard not to.
I know that things like that can be consuming also.
That's why for the most part I've stayed away. As hard as it is.
With a few slips here and there. Not major ones.
Sometimes it's nice, but I know where it leads.
It leads me off my path and it's so hard to get back on it.

I feel like I've been losing my way again. My way back to myself.
Not becoming something by other people's rules,
but becoming more my real self by spiritual laws.
It's hard to explain. I don't know when I stopped feeling IT.
I have here and there, more this year so far than last year,
but I know that I can 'amp up' towards it, increase my vibration
so that I can feel 'connected' and things start happening.
Unexpected things... When I just feel better.
It's also hard to explain.

My emotions have been all over the place lately.
Mostly because my mind has been all over the place.
Thinking about this constantly... Over the next 4 months...
The weather will be nicer when I'm done,
then I can go for a full apprenticeship like I wanted to do.
Except in a different field than I had originally planned.
Sometimes we get lead in different directions.
Sometimes we go in directions we never thought we would.
Sometimes the plan just changes.
But I need a break from a few things. I already know that.
Been sucked into things that have nothing to do with what I want to do.
I often forget my own aims.

It's like I have to keep sifting, but I'm around people all the time
who aren't on the same path as me and they take me off of mine.
I keep getting sucked into the world that I already know,
and I'm not exploring the newness as much.
I'm trying to be open to new experiences, new knowledge etc,
but it's not the same thing. It's close, but not IT.

It's about believing that things can be so different
which is hard to do when things are ordinary and people are so
caught up in it. It's hard not to be caught up in it with them.
And because of them...
Because I'm expected to be just like them.
And follow by their rules so I forget about the stuff I've been working on
and I put my stuff on hold to work on this and learn all of this.
Ideally, I'd have a balance where I can do everything at once.
Some of this and some of that. Live in both worlds,
but the best of both worlds.
Feel IT more and more and allow it to work through me.
While I'm learning, growing, and expanding.
Instead of constantly sacrificing one thing for another thing.
Which I've been doing constantly because I don't know how not to.
It used to feel better and feel 'fun' and 'fresh' when I learn things
and when I discover little hints and clues,
like I was piecing it all together. It felt so much better.

I don't know how I keep losing it or why.
I stopped doing my morning ritual thing.
Because I only had enough time to get up, wake up,
then go catch the bus. I am consumed by getting there on time.
Worried about being late. Worried. A lot more.
Worried about making mistakes, about getting kicked out.
Worried about a lot of things.

But I don't even... Can't even really talk about it
because I don't want to magnify those things.

Just I get so mad at myself for getting away from IT
when I've gotten close, closer, closest than I've been in so long.
There's just sooooo much more than just this
and I know there is. I've seen some of it and felt some of it.
I just keep getting sucked into being in this world.
And I get sucked out of not being of it.

This is the challenge of interacting with people out there
and these experiences and these situations and circumstances.
They start reconditioning me, back into my previous conditioning.
I start reverting and I start forgetting it all.
But at the same time, I'm letting it.
I'm letting myself get sucked back into it all.
I forget that's not why I'm here or what I'm meant to do or be.
But it's so hard to remain unaffected.
Or to just focus on the effects of this new stuff.
But I haven't been focusing on it.
It's been all of this for at least the past month,
but it's going to be this for much longer so I have to have a balance
where I can switch it up from that to this
and go to that when I need that
and return to this when I need this.