So this book... This part is like speaking directly to me.
Those pathological emotions I was writing about...
They "continually sabotage our attempts to pay attention to the tasks at hand."
It's not always us standing in our way, but the thoughts and feelings that block us.
Our inability to pull ourselves out of the traps that they are
or even our inability to recognize them as traps.
That keep us stuck in place.
"For the clinically depressed: Thoughts of self-pity, despair,
hopelessness and helplessness override all others."
This sums up years and years of my life right there.
Those thoughts that produced those feelings...
That I could not find my way out of or away from.
Then it became 'normal' for me. Even though I really didn't want that.
... And I keep thinking of my doctor trying to push pills on me:
"Do you enjoy being depressed?"
To which I asked: "Do you really think anyone does?!"
To which she said "No." So why ask that? And I asked her why she asked it.
"If you don't enjoy it, why not do something about it?"
Pills are not the f*cking answer to everything. At times, they make it worse.
Which was what I was just trying to explain to her before she asked me that...
Which demonstrates that she was not listening to anything I said.
Anyway, the prefrontal cortex... That's where feelings and emotions "meet"
But that's where working memory and 'concentration' comes from also.
So when we get overwhelming feelings, it makes it hard to concentrate.
The thing is that when we gain the ability to motivate ourselves...
We have what we need to pursue the things that demand our concentration.
Like practicing certain things. Whatever it is.
But yes.... I KNOW how hard it is to motivate yourself to do things.
I have a hard time to motivate myself to do certain things, still.
So that comment about not being motivated enough...
I can see why it bothered that lady, but it didn't bother me.
Partly because I can see why and how it was partly true.
Getting up early to get there early isn't exactly 'enough' motivation,
but it is a start. It's partial motivation.
People who are not used to being enthusiastic about ANYTHING
aren't going to suddenly start being enthusiastic.
Sometimes it is even cultural, too. Not just individual.
A certain attitude gives people an advantage, too.
But anyway... For a long time I just wanted to feel better.
Because I felt like sh*t every f*cking day.
Even despite the reasons I had not to feel like sh*t.
It was literally those self-pity thoughts, that made me feel pitiful.
Which of course literally destroyed my self-esteem.
Feeling hopeless and helpless obviously wasn't helping at all.
But I was so caught up in feeling like that, all the time,
that I couldn't see why I was feeling like that.
It all contributed to how I saw myself, how I looked at myself
and from that perspective I was looking at my life.
I mean, I only see myself slightly differently now.
But even that slight difference has made a difference.
Even a slight variation can make a difference for anyone. It really can.
The feelings I had still come and go, but I'm more aware of them now.
I'm more aware that I can get caught in that spiral again.
I'm aware that I do not have to. Neither do you. Neither does anyone.
We can spiral upwards instead of downwards.
It's possible, but it is a gradual thing that requires a lot of effort
until it requires less and less and less effort over time.
When we get used to it, it gets so easy.
Not that it's easy for me, yet. It could take years.
Writing about it is so much different from doing it
and doing it consistently, ever day.
But it starts with reminders. Reminding myself of certain things.
So that it gets to a point where I don't have to remind myself anymore.
"Hey, A***... You don't have to (do that) anymore."
"You can (do this) instead."
"You know you can (do this) because you have before.
Remember how that felt?"
Stuff like this. Over and over and over and over again.
Because that's how we get used to doing it.
By doing it hundreds of times, if not thousands of times.
Like crochet and knitting for an example,
I've knitted and crocheted like maybe a million stitches
over the span of years, so many that I never counted them.
So my body knows how to do it better than my brain does.
That's how used to it I have gotten.
I can watch a movie and crochet or knit at the same time.
"I'll get a couple hours of this is while I watch this."
Combining tasks, too.
Doing something while doing something else.
Something you can do mindlessly and something mindfully.
I can mindlessly watch a movie because it doesn't require my full attention.
Because it's a type of passive attention, not active attention.
Crocheting is a type of passive attention, too.
Because I can just zone out on them both.
But when I'm on the bus or something like this...
That is when I can focus on my thinking.
Because I can mindlessly ride the bus.
All I have to do is be on the bus and pay attention to where the bus is
in relation to my stop, where I have to get off the bus.
Someone was talking about a technique.
He periodically asks himself: "Where is my mind now?"
So that he can consciously become aware of what his mind is doing.
"Oh, I'm thinking about (whatever). Do I have to think about that?"
"Where can I direct my attention so that I can help myself?"
Here's a line to consider:
"Anyone can do well with the right effort."
It says that the degree to which we get invested in our emotions
defines our capacity to use our mental abilities.
And yes... It is pretty damn hard not to get emotionally invested.
Even our thoughts have feelings attached.
And we have a hard time just 'not thinking.'
Thoughts keep streaming automatically.
However, it is possible to change what we think about.
Even to detach from those thoughts.
"I do not have to think about (this or that)."
This is the key. When you agree with it, it enforces it.
It stops the thoughts from streaming.
It forces your mind to go: "You're right. Why was I thinking about that?"
Then you say: "It doesn't matter as much why,
but it matters that you have the choice to choose to think about something else."
Which, yes... I'm still struggling with.
I still struggle with it. All the time. I'm not used to this.
It's totally new to me.
It's not about ignoring the thoughts, it's about switching gears.
You can think about why those thoughts keep coming up,
and when you find out why they keep coming up,
the less they come up.
"I keep thinking about this because it bothers me... Why?"
"It keeps bothering me because I think and feel this way about it."
"How can I look at it so that it bothers me less and less?"
It's about stepping back from it. Looking at it from a new angle.
Then you find yourself saying: "Wow, I never thought about it this way before."
Then you start feeling better about the fact that you can think about it
in a way you never have before. It makes you feel like you have hope
and strength, and power from this new ability.
Especially the more you use it.
Then you start trusting yourself more, too.
Which feels so much better.
Our feelings can actually enhance or inhibit the way we think.
So when we start feeling better, we start thinking better.
When we start thinking better, we start feeling even better.
Which is the upward spiral.
Our feelings can either facilitate or interfere.
But so can our thoughts. Something to think about!
Those pathological emotions I was writing about...
They "continually sabotage our attempts to pay attention to the tasks at hand."
It's not always us standing in our way, but the thoughts and feelings that block us.
Our inability to pull ourselves out of the traps that they are
or even our inability to recognize them as traps.
That keep us stuck in place.
"For the clinically depressed: Thoughts of self-pity, despair,
hopelessness and helplessness override all others."
This sums up years and years of my life right there.
Those thoughts that produced those feelings...
That I could not find my way out of or away from.
Then it became 'normal' for me. Even though I really didn't want that.
... And I keep thinking of my doctor trying to push pills on me:
"Do you enjoy being depressed?"
To which I asked: "Do you really think anyone does?!"
To which she said "No." So why ask that? And I asked her why she asked it.
"If you don't enjoy it, why not do something about it?"
Pills are not the f*cking answer to everything. At times, they make it worse.
Which was what I was just trying to explain to her before she asked me that...
Which demonstrates that she was not listening to anything I said.
Anyway, the prefrontal cortex... That's where feelings and emotions "meet"
But that's where working memory and 'concentration' comes from also.
So when we get overwhelming feelings, it makes it hard to concentrate.
The thing is that when we gain the ability to motivate ourselves...
We have what we need to pursue the things that demand our concentration.
Like practicing certain things. Whatever it is.
But yes.... I KNOW how hard it is to motivate yourself to do things.
I have a hard time to motivate myself to do certain things, still.
So that comment about not being motivated enough...
I can see why it bothered that lady, but it didn't bother me.
Partly because I can see why and how it was partly true.
Getting up early to get there early isn't exactly 'enough' motivation,
but it is a start. It's partial motivation.
People who are not used to being enthusiastic about ANYTHING
aren't going to suddenly start being enthusiastic.
Sometimes it is even cultural, too. Not just individual.
A certain attitude gives people an advantage, too.
But anyway... For a long time I just wanted to feel better.
Because I felt like sh*t every f*cking day.
Even despite the reasons I had not to feel like sh*t.
It was literally those self-pity thoughts, that made me feel pitiful.
Which of course literally destroyed my self-esteem.
Feeling hopeless and helpless obviously wasn't helping at all.
But I was so caught up in feeling like that, all the time,
that I couldn't see why I was feeling like that.
It all contributed to how I saw myself, how I looked at myself
and from that perspective I was looking at my life.
I mean, I only see myself slightly differently now.
But even that slight difference has made a difference.
Even a slight variation can make a difference for anyone. It really can.
The feelings I had still come and go, but I'm more aware of them now.
I'm more aware that I can get caught in that spiral again.
I'm aware that I do not have to. Neither do you. Neither does anyone.
We can spiral upwards instead of downwards.
It's possible, but it is a gradual thing that requires a lot of effort
until it requires less and less and less effort over time.
When we get used to it, it gets so easy.
Not that it's easy for me, yet. It could take years.
Writing about it is so much different from doing it
and doing it consistently, ever day.
But it starts with reminders. Reminding myself of certain things.
So that it gets to a point where I don't have to remind myself anymore.
"Hey, A***... You don't have to (do that) anymore."
"You can (do this) instead."
"You know you can (do this) because you have before.
Remember how that felt?"
Stuff like this. Over and over and over and over again.
Because that's how we get used to doing it.
By doing it hundreds of times, if not thousands of times.
Like crochet and knitting for an example,
I've knitted and crocheted like maybe a million stitches
over the span of years, so many that I never counted them.
So my body knows how to do it better than my brain does.
That's how used to it I have gotten.
I can watch a movie and crochet or knit at the same time.
"I'll get a couple hours of this is while I watch this."
Combining tasks, too.
Doing something while doing something else.
Something you can do mindlessly and something mindfully.
I can mindlessly watch a movie because it doesn't require my full attention.
Because it's a type of passive attention, not active attention.
Crocheting is a type of passive attention, too.
Because I can just zone out on them both.
But when I'm on the bus or something like this...
That is when I can focus on my thinking.
Because I can mindlessly ride the bus.
All I have to do is be on the bus and pay attention to where the bus is
in relation to my stop, where I have to get off the bus.
Someone was talking about a technique.
He periodically asks himself: "Where is my mind now?"
So that he can consciously become aware of what his mind is doing.
"Oh, I'm thinking about (whatever). Do I have to think about that?"
"Where can I direct my attention so that I can help myself?"
Here's a line to consider:
"Anyone can do well with the right effort."
It says that the degree to which we get invested in our emotions
defines our capacity to use our mental abilities.
And yes... It is pretty damn hard not to get emotionally invested.
Even our thoughts have feelings attached.
And we have a hard time just 'not thinking.'
Thoughts keep streaming automatically.
However, it is possible to change what we think about.
Even to detach from those thoughts.
"I do not have to think about (this or that)."
This is the key. When you agree with it, it enforces it.
It stops the thoughts from streaming.
It forces your mind to go: "You're right. Why was I thinking about that?"
Then you say: "It doesn't matter as much why,
but it matters that you have the choice to choose to think about something else."
Which, yes... I'm still struggling with.
I still struggle with it. All the time. I'm not used to this.
It's totally new to me.
It's not about ignoring the thoughts, it's about switching gears.
You can think about why those thoughts keep coming up,
and when you find out why they keep coming up,
the less they come up.
"I keep thinking about this because it bothers me... Why?"
"It keeps bothering me because I think and feel this way about it."
"How can I look at it so that it bothers me less and less?"
It's about stepping back from it. Looking at it from a new angle.
Then you find yourself saying: "Wow, I never thought about it this way before."
Then you start feeling better about the fact that you can think about it
in a way you never have before. It makes you feel like you have hope
and strength, and power from this new ability.
Especially the more you use it.
Then you start trusting yourself more, too.
Which feels so much better.
Our feelings can actually enhance or inhibit the way we think.
So when we start feeling better, we start thinking better.
When we start thinking better, we start feeling even better.
Which is the upward spiral.
Our feelings can either facilitate or interfere.
But so can our thoughts. Something to think about!
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