About Switching Gears

I have yet to figure this out, but I feel closer than I was. Some days.
I'm used to those low vibe emotions, low energy stuff.
Which is just what I've become used to over the years.
It doesn't mean that I can't get used to higher vibes and higher energy.
It just means I haven't gotten there, yet.

Some days I have been there and those days feel pretty good.
A lot better than usual. Which feels strange.
Because I'm not used to it.
Like I want to feel good about it and happy about it,
but it just feels weird. Even though those feelings
are what I was reaching for. For a long time.

All the times I felt good and playful, I've gotten that:
"None of that sh*t today. I can't handle it."
Like can't you just be happy that I'm happy? I guess not.
So all those times I've had to tone myself down, like way down
for those who 'can't handle it' or don't understand,
or don't want to be around me when I'm in a good mood
just because they aren't... Those were times I've made sacrifices.
And because I've had to make so many sacrifices for others
who apparently won't make any for me,
I lost a lot of my ability to even feel that way.
Because I wasn't 'allowed.'
And now that I'm not around those people anymore...
I can slowly find my way back to that.

Just is hard because I express it in unconventional ways.
I like to play sometimes. But it's considered 'inappropriate.'
"Act like an adult." Whatever. Stuff like this.
Because apparently adults aren't allowed to play anymore.
Or even feel playful or express themselves in the ways that I enjoy.
In ways that feel good to me. Because that's not what adults do.
So I sacrificed it, a big part of me to comply and to conform.
Pretending to just be something I've never been,
but I've never been happy with that.
Feeling like I'm locked in a box that was chosen for me.
I don't like feeling like that.
I'd rather just be myself. Without being constantly put down for it
or chastised every moment of every day when I'm around certain people.
Like if you 'can't handle' me, you don't have to. I'll handle myself.
The thing is I can't 'handle' people who can't 'handle' me.
I'd rather be alone than be with people who keep telling me
"don't do this, don't be like this, don't say these things."
The minute I say something about them keeping me down,
they get all defensive like they have every right to do it.
And like I have no right to say anything about it.
That's what I can't 'handle.'

So I found the solution. Not to be around those people anymore.
Which is sad because they've been a huge part of my life.
They are family members. But they don't 'get' me and they never will.
"They are still my family." And I felt guilty about leaving,
I felt guilty about choosing myself over them,
but isn't that what they've done all my life?! Chosen themselves?
What they wanted over what I wanted? Now they can have that.
They can have everything they can handle.
They never have to see me in a good mood again.
Also, they don't have to trigger my verbal ticks, either.

When I play, I can laugh more. I feel better.
That's what it takes for me to feel good.
Yeah, act silly. Whatever. Laugh at myself.
But then others don't understand that.
They have to get high to feel good, and continue to get high.
Then when they come off the drugs, they use more drugs.
They use conduits like drugs to get to feel 'better' or whatever,
that is their escape. What if I don't need to get high all the time?
What if I just need a good laugh from time to time?
What if I just like to laugh at my own ridiculousness?
Without being judged for that.
But everyone is going to have their opinions
about everyone's behavior,
but what they don't realize is that the behavior
is just behavior, they are reacting to their own judgments.
Without realizing it and blaming me for their inability
to dismiss their own judgments.

The funny thing is that the people who say they are non-judgmental
are some of the most judgmental people I have ever met.

Like when I used to be on those dating sites...
Flipping through profiles and those guys saying that they hate drama....
They are usually the ones creating it.
It doesn't make me want to contact them. At all.

"Bondage..." That's what it's been. My conformity, my complying.
Yeah, I've wanted bonds, strong family ties,
but never to be controlled by people who think they can dominate me.
Or get me to be the way they want me to be.
To the point I can't express myself around them at all...
That's never what I've wanted. None of their opinions about me.
None of their judgments about me. None of that. I'm still me.
I still just want to be me and be free to just be myself.

I don't need and never needed any of that. From anyone. Ever.

So now that I'm freeing myself from that,
and freeing myself from the guilt of even wanting that,
I'm learning to switch gears, so I can be more myself
and less that fake facade that I had to be when I was with them
just to keep them happy. That isn't and wasn't me.