So long as I'm being completely open and honest about myself....
For those who know me pretty well through reading my blog...
Will know that I put a lot of emphasis on relationships in the past.
Because I wasn't fulfilling my own emotional needs.
That's what it really comes down to. I'm starting to, but I wasn't.
I resisted even thinking about that, for years.
I resisted thinking about so many things.
Because I was too busy thinking about things that didn't matter as much.
My focus wasn't in the right direction so I couldn't get to where I wanted to be.
It's like looking at a map upside down and going the opposite direction.
Everything's been backwards for me and I didn't know it.
When things start making sense, you see how they weren't.
I was focused on trying to develop a relationship with someone else.
But meanwhile, I wasn't developing a relationship with myself.
Then when I realized this, I realized that I didn't know how to.
I'm still learning how to develop a relationship with myself.
A lot of people neglect their own needs,
and neglect connecting to themselves on a deep level
that they want to connect to others at.
"People can only meet us as deeply as they have met themselves."
This is why my connections with others has largely been superficial.
Because they can't invest in others if they can't invest in themselves.
Which is why my relationships failed.
1) I wasn't investing in myself.
2) They weren't investing in themselves.
3) We couldn't grow together because we weren't growing on our own.
Even the best relationship I ever had... I ruined it.
Because I wasn't ready to grow. He had, I hadn't.
I was more of a liability than an asset to him. Which he knew.
But he still loved me, anyway.
Even though I couldn't return the love in a way that he wanted or needed.
I wasn't loving myself in a way that I wanted or needed, either.
I wanted him to love me in a way I wanted and needed.
Had I had a better relationship with myself,
I might have made that relationship last instead of ruining it.
When do we ever ask ourselves: "How can I support you?"
We want to hear this from others. We want their support,
but when do we seek it from ourselves by asking ourselves
how we can support ourselves?
There's so much I'm learning about myself.
So much I didn't know that I didn't know.
In terms of what I actually want and need.
Why I kept looking for it from others, and why I didn't turn to myself.
It was a habit, too. It wasn't just refusal to turn to myself.
It was a habit of looking elsewhere.
A habit of thinking I could get it elsewhere.
A set of habits and patterns that prevented me from seeing
that it wasn't ever really out there.
I didn't understand that I need to nurture myself.
I wasn't taught any of this stuff. Not many people are.
Not by people in our immediate environments. Who don't know this stuff.
We can only teach what we know and what we are learning.
If they don't know and aren't learning, how can they teach?
The reason we don't draw upon our inner resources,
is because we either don't have any or we're not developing them.
So we can't use them if we haven't got them.
How can they be or service to us if they are nil to non-existent?
I realized how depleted to how very little (if anything) I had
in the area of internal resources.
Which is why developing my inner strength is really important to me.
I have to fill that well and make it functional.
It's not an "I wish I had that" thing anymore.
I'm creating it, filling it, working on it.
So that I can have tools to use when I need to use them.
Instead of wishing I had tools to use when I need to use them.
That's where a lot of my frustration came from,
and my loathing. My internal struggle stuff. Sabotage.
"This internal coaching facilitates the growth process."
I wasn't coaching myself internally, or at all.
I wanted someone to care enough about me to 'help' me,
but I wasn't doing very much to 'help' myself.
Building myself up is my job. I can't rely on anyone for that.
Building up my internal resources, my inner strength. All of that.
It is my job. Nobody will do it for me.
Self-esteem building.... Character building etc.
Self-esteem consists of both feeling competent and worthy.
When you have issues in either of these, your self-esteem suffers.
I feel competent with the skills I already have,
but not with the skills that I do not currently have.
That I waited a long time to even think about developing.
The good news is that I can still start to develop them.
The sooner I start, the more progress I can make.
Then the more satisfaction and fulfillment I'll experience in my life.
A lot of depression stuff comes from having a low self-esteem.
Plus, a lot of sabotage stuff. It becomes a cycle....
The poorer your self-esteem, the more you sabotage yourself.
The more you sabotage yourself, the poorer your self-esteem.
On the contrary, though,
the better your self-esteem, the more you support yourself.
And the more you support yourself, the better your self-esteem.
For those who know me pretty well through reading my blog...
Will know that I put a lot of emphasis on relationships in the past.
Because I wasn't fulfilling my own emotional needs.
That's what it really comes down to. I'm starting to, but I wasn't.
I resisted even thinking about that, for years.
I resisted thinking about so many things.
Because I was too busy thinking about things that didn't matter as much.
My focus wasn't in the right direction so I couldn't get to where I wanted to be.
It's like looking at a map upside down and going the opposite direction.
Everything's been backwards for me and I didn't know it.
When things start making sense, you see how they weren't.
I was focused on trying to develop a relationship with someone else.
But meanwhile, I wasn't developing a relationship with myself.
Then when I realized this, I realized that I didn't know how to.
I'm still learning how to develop a relationship with myself.
A lot of people neglect their own needs,
and neglect connecting to themselves on a deep level
that they want to connect to others at.
"People can only meet us as deeply as they have met themselves."
This is why my connections with others has largely been superficial.
Because they can't invest in others if they can't invest in themselves.
Which is why my relationships failed.
1) I wasn't investing in myself.
2) They weren't investing in themselves.
3) We couldn't grow together because we weren't growing on our own.
Even the best relationship I ever had... I ruined it.
Because I wasn't ready to grow. He had, I hadn't.
I was more of a liability than an asset to him. Which he knew.
But he still loved me, anyway.
Even though I couldn't return the love in a way that he wanted or needed.
I wasn't loving myself in a way that I wanted or needed, either.
I wanted him to love me in a way I wanted and needed.
Had I had a better relationship with myself,
I might have made that relationship last instead of ruining it.
When do we ever ask ourselves: "How can I support you?"
We want to hear this from others. We want their support,
but when do we seek it from ourselves by asking ourselves
how we can support ourselves?
There's so much I'm learning about myself.
So much I didn't know that I didn't know.
In terms of what I actually want and need.
Why I kept looking for it from others, and why I didn't turn to myself.
It was a habit, too. It wasn't just refusal to turn to myself.
It was a habit of looking elsewhere.
A habit of thinking I could get it elsewhere.
A set of habits and patterns that prevented me from seeing
that it wasn't ever really out there.
I didn't understand that I need to nurture myself.
I wasn't taught any of this stuff. Not many people are.
Not by people in our immediate environments. Who don't know this stuff.
We can only teach what we know and what we are learning.
If they don't know and aren't learning, how can they teach?
The reason we don't draw upon our inner resources,
is because we either don't have any or we're not developing them.
So we can't use them if we haven't got them.
How can they be or service to us if they are nil to non-existent?
I realized how depleted to how very little (if anything) I had
in the area of internal resources.
Which is why developing my inner strength is really important to me.
I have to fill that well and make it functional.
It's not an "I wish I had that" thing anymore.
I'm creating it, filling it, working on it.
So that I can have tools to use when I need to use them.
Instead of wishing I had tools to use when I need to use them.
That's where a lot of my frustration came from,
and my loathing. My internal struggle stuff. Sabotage.
"This internal coaching facilitates the growth process."
I wasn't coaching myself internally, or at all.
I wanted someone to care enough about me to 'help' me,
but I wasn't doing very much to 'help' myself.
Building myself up is my job. I can't rely on anyone for that.
Building up my internal resources, my inner strength. All of that.
It is my job. Nobody will do it for me.
Self-esteem building.... Character building etc.
Self-esteem consists of both feeling competent and worthy.
When you have issues in either of these, your self-esteem suffers.
I feel competent with the skills I already have,
but not with the skills that I do not currently have.
That I waited a long time to even think about developing.
The good news is that I can still start to develop them.
The sooner I start, the more progress I can make.
Then the more satisfaction and fulfillment I'll experience in my life.
A lot of depression stuff comes from having a low self-esteem.
Plus, a lot of sabotage stuff. It becomes a cycle....
The poorer your self-esteem, the more you sabotage yourself.
The more you sabotage yourself, the poorer your self-esteem.
On the contrary, though,
the better your self-esteem, the more you support yourself.
And the more you support yourself, the better your self-esteem.
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