Today I started readig a new book. I've had it for a couple of years.
My ex gave it to me as a gift for my birthday.
I waited to read it because there were lots of mixed emotions
over the last couple of years.
Anyway, something happened today during my meditation.
I had a vision of someone holding a rifle and aiming it at a target in the woods.
I could see everything in detail.
Someone stepped in front of the target and got shot.
It brought to mind a film I saw a long time ago that I hadn't seen in years.
I forget what the film is called.
In it, a guy shoots his childhood friend. She dies.
He burries her in the woods behind his home.
For a long time he pretends not to know what happened.
And nobody suspects he had anything to do with her disappearance
because they were close childhood friends.
Then he confesses and tells his father that he shot her and burried her in the woods.
They go together to dig up her body.
With remorse he tells the girl's father that he killed her.
He is forgiven but he struggles to forgive himself.
Anyway, it got me thinking about triggers today.
And it got me to thinking about motives.
"Just because triggers are there, doesn't mean they have to be pulled."
That was one of the messages I "received" today.
Guns cannot kill if the trigger isn't pulled.
Yes, guns can kill without being aimed and they can 'go off' accidentally.
But the point is to be mindful of intent and to take responsibility.
It got me thinking about my triggers and how easily
I get triggered around my family.
How they don't understand that it isn't intentional.
But it isn't just them that trigger me, it's stress and tension, too.
And my own thoughts and feelings about the stress and tension.
Their reaction to my reaction keeps causing me to react.
Because it bothers me that they don't understand
and they've had years and years and years to even try to understand
Or even recognize that it is a symptom of something deeper.
That I could have gotten help for a long time ago.
Even now, they refuse to help me so I have decided
not to even be around them anymore.
Not that it is going to solve this issue that I have,
but maybe one day they will see
they made it into a huge deal when it didn't have to be.
And yes, I did, too. Because I reacted to their refusal to help me.
The point is that I have to be more mindful of these triggers
so that I can be aware of them and acknowledge them when they come up
so that they don't elicit the same reaction over and over and over again.
My ex gave it to me as a gift for my birthday.
I waited to read it because there were lots of mixed emotions
over the last couple of years.
Anyway, something happened today during my meditation.
I had a vision of someone holding a rifle and aiming it at a target in the woods.
I could see everything in detail.
Someone stepped in front of the target and got shot.
It brought to mind a film I saw a long time ago that I hadn't seen in years.
I forget what the film is called.
In it, a guy shoots his childhood friend. She dies.
He burries her in the woods behind his home.
For a long time he pretends not to know what happened.
And nobody suspects he had anything to do with her disappearance
because they were close childhood friends.
Then he confesses and tells his father that he shot her and burried her in the woods.
They go together to dig up her body.
With remorse he tells the girl's father that he killed her.
He is forgiven but he struggles to forgive himself.
Anyway, it got me thinking about triggers today.
And it got me to thinking about motives.
"Just because triggers are there, doesn't mean they have to be pulled."
That was one of the messages I "received" today.
Guns cannot kill if the trigger isn't pulled.
Yes, guns can kill without being aimed and they can 'go off' accidentally.
But the point is to be mindful of intent and to take responsibility.
It got me thinking about my triggers and how easily
I get triggered around my family.
How they don't understand that it isn't intentional.
But it isn't just them that trigger me, it's stress and tension, too.
And my own thoughts and feelings about the stress and tension.
Their reaction to my reaction keeps causing me to react.
Because it bothers me that they don't understand
and they've had years and years and years to even try to understand
Or even recognize that it is a symptom of something deeper.
That I could have gotten help for a long time ago.
Even now, they refuse to help me so I have decided
not to even be around them anymore.
Not that it is going to solve this issue that I have,
but maybe one day they will see
they made it into a huge deal when it didn't have to be.
And yes, I did, too. Because I reacted to their refusal to help me.
The point is that I have to be more mindful of these triggers
so that I can be aware of them and acknowledge them when they come up
so that they don't elicit the same reaction over and over and over again.
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