As I was I was leaving the library, I was looking at the signs.
The first one read "Construction,"
The next one read "Don't block the intersection"
To anyone, they are just signs.
But it was like acknowledgement that I am under construction,
or rather re-construction.
The second one was telling me not to "block" the "intersection."
Where two paths meet. Converge. Intersect. "Inter"sect.
I posted that since I started my morning ritual,
I've been noticing changes. Today is my 4th day.
Then people asked me to share it, so I did.
I might share it on here at some point.
I kept seeing triple numbers on the way to the library,
like 444 and 222, I keep forgeting what 222 means,
but 444 is an 'angel' number.
Anyway, in the last post, I forgot to include the trench coat story.
I was walking back home from somewhere,
crossing through a lot that is for the houses across the way.
I saw this coat on top of a pile of garbage, literally sitting on the top
and it's a leather trench coat. Probably cost like $200+
Someone took all the buttons off
thinking that nobody would want it with its missing buttons.
I took it home and it became mine.
So about what I was reading about today...
Something that I've actually been struggling with. Control.
I realized a bunch of things while reading this chapter.
We aren't actually after control itself, we're after a SENSE of control.
FEELING like we have it, it isn't actually about it, itself.
It's about the sense of it, the feeling of having it.
I experienced a lot of misery due to the 'falacy of control.'
Attempting to control things that are literally uncontrollable,
and things that are actually inconsequential.
A lot of my wanting more control over my experiences
came from others wanting control over me,
and from thinking I had to exert my will for things to change.
And that nothing would change if I had no control.
There has been a lot of things I had no control over and it felt pretty sh*tty.
But a good 98% of those things are things I could not control.
Like people's reactions to me. People's actions towards me.
Other people's choices. When it comes to others, there is no control.
Control is actually about exerting your will.
But a lot of people don't exert their will towards what they can actually control.
It's about "the desire to regulate and influence our overall life experience."
I learned that when we become inflexible and rigid,
and expect too much,
we lose our ability to be receptive and adaptive.
We end up supressing variability and cage ourselves into obsession.
And yes, I became compulsively obsessed about things
that actually made no difference.
I also learned that relinquishing control means disengaging.
When we feel like we have no control, over anything,
it feels like we have no freedom, and we're too open to chance and circumstance.
It also feels like we have no influence over our experiences.
Also about how we can have control over our outlook.
There are so many moving parts, it's often easy to overlook outlook.
There was something that came to my attention before I left...
"We awaken within others the same attitude of mind we hold them in."
Kind of like when we hold people in high regard,
they tend to regard us differently, but it's not always the case.
It was just something interesting that came across today.
Anyway, about outlook...
There was a part that I read where the author was saying how we
relate events and info to our self-concept. (Our identity).
That part immediately made me think of the emotional reaction I had yesterday.
Because I was relating certain things to my self-concept, my identity.
And I was having an emotional reaction to that.
Which I didn't have to do, which I know I don't,
but for whatever reason, the emotions got intense
and I couldn't think that far to realize that I didn't have to do it,
or that I was actually relating it to my concept of myself.
I was taking the bus home and I witnessed a female having an emotional reaction.
Reacting to thoughts she was having.
And another female was trying to make her stop.
By saying "None of that sh*t tonight or I'll put you back in there."
Sounded like my mother, actually. "None of that sh*t tonight."
Trying to exert her will over mine.
Not allowing me to have any freedom of choice or freedom of expression.
I thought a few things:
1) All this observation is... Is an observation.
2) I don't have to have any thoughts about this observation.
3) I don't have to have any reactions about this observation.
So I was able to pre-emptively pevent myself from making any judgments
about either female, about the observation or what I was observing.
It was awesome to have that much control. Over my own thought process.
Observations are just observations. That is all they ever are.
I don't have to react to anything. I can respond by not reacting to it.
And the thing about having control over reactions is that it prevents overreactions.
Of course it doesn't just happen overnight. It takes years
of practice and purposeful, deliberate effort.
When we realize that we don't have to attach any judgment or emotion to anything,
things get easier just to witness, to observe.
Information just becomes what it always has been, information.
"Internal power of being able to safeguard & direct your outlook
is the same force that allows you to shape & determine your character."
There's so much to this self improvement/self control stuff.
It isn't just about making better choices, although that has a lot to do with it.
It's about discovering that internal power, that force, that strength
and learning how to use it. For the best possible outcome.
Everyone has that internal power, but they either don't believe in it,
don't know how to use it, or they abuse it.
I'm finding it more and more every day. It has always been there.
I just never saw it and nobody told me I had it in me.
Nobody believed in me that much. I mean maybe a few people here and there
saw that I had a bit of potential, but I didn't even realize that I had any.
With al kinds of people shoving me into a box I never belonged in,
I never got to see what was outside of that box.
I didn't get to see my own potential. I didn't get to see any possibilities.
I didn't get to see anything to the contrary of the 'evidence'
that this was all there was. It's not. Not by a f*cking long shot.
And it is a good feeling to know
that there's so much more to life that what I thought there was.
The first one read "Construction,"
The next one read "Don't block the intersection"
To anyone, they are just signs.
But it was like acknowledgement that I am under construction,
or rather re-construction.
The second one was telling me not to "block" the "intersection."
Where two paths meet. Converge. Intersect. "Inter"sect.
I posted that since I started my morning ritual,
I've been noticing changes. Today is my 4th day.
Then people asked me to share it, so I did.
I might share it on here at some point.
I kept seeing triple numbers on the way to the library,
like 444 and 222, I keep forgeting what 222 means,
but 444 is an 'angel' number.
Anyway, in the last post, I forgot to include the trench coat story.
I was walking back home from somewhere,
crossing through a lot that is for the houses across the way.
I saw this coat on top of a pile of garbage, literally sitting on the top
and it's a leather trench coat. Probably cost like $200+
Someone took all the buttons off
thinking that nobody would want it with its missing buttons.
I took it home and it became mine.
So about what I was reading about today...
Something that I've actually been struggling with. Control.
I realized a bunch of things while reading this chapter.
We aren't actually after control itself, we're after a SENSE of control.
FEELING like we have it, it isn't actually about it, itself.
It's about the sense of it, the feeling of having it.
I experienced a lot of misery due to the 'falacy of control.'
Attempting to control things that are literally uncontrollable,
and things that are actually inconsequential.
A lot of my wanting more control over my experiences
came from others wanting control over me,
and from thinking I had to exert my will for things to change.
And that nothing would change if I had no control.
There has been a lot of things I had no control over and it felt pretty sh*tty.
But a good 98% of those things are things I could not control.
Like people's reactions to me. People's actions towards me.
Other people's choices. When it comes to others, there is no control.
Control is actually about exerting your will.
But a lot of people don't exert their will towards what they can actually control.
It's about "the desire to regulate and influence our overall life experience."
I learned that when we become inflexible and rigid,
and expect too much,
we lose our ability to be receptive and adaptive.
We end up supressing variability and cage ourselves into obsession.
And yes, I became compulsively obsessed about things
that actually made no difference.
I also learned that relinquishing control means disengaging.
When we feel like we have no control, over anything,
it feels like we have no freedom, and we're too open to chance and circumstance.
It also feels like we have no influence over our experiences.
Also about how we can have control over our outlook.
There are so many moving parts, it's often easy to overlook outlook.
There was something that came to my attention before I left...
"We awaken within others the same attitude of mind we hold them in."
Kind of like when we hold people in high regard,
they tend to regard us differently, but it's not always the case.
It was just something interesting that came across today.
Anyway, about outlook...
There was a part that I read where the author was saying how we
relate events and info to our self-concept. (Our identity).
That part immediately made me think of the emotional reaction I had yesterday.
Because I was relating certain things to my self-concept, my identity.
And I was having an emotional reaction to that.
Which I didn't have to do, which I know I don't,
but for whatever reason, the emotions got intense
and I couldn't think that far to realize that I didn't have to do it,
or that I was actually relating it to my concept of myself.
I was taking the bus home and I witnessed a female having an emotional reaction.
Reacting to thoughts she was having.
And another female was trying to make her stop.
By saying "None of that sh*t tonight or I'll put you back in there."
Sounded like my mother, actually. "None of that sh*t tonight."
Trying to exert her will over mine.
Not allowing me to have any freedom of choice or freedom of expression.
I thought a few things:
1) All this observation is... Is an observation.
2) I don't have to have any thoughts about this observation.
3) I don't have to have any reactions about this observation.
So I was able to pre-emptively pevent myself from making any judgments
about either female, about the observation or what I was observing.
It was awesome to have that much control. Over my own thought process.
Observations are just observations. That is all they ever are.
I don't have to react to anything. I can respond by not reacting to it.
And the thing about having control over reactions is that it prevents overreactions.
Of course it doesn't just happen overnight. It takes years
of practice and purposeful, deliberate effort.
When we realize that we don't have to attach any judgment or emotion to anything,
things get easier just to witness, to observe.
Information just becomes what it always has been, information.
"Internal power of being able to safeguard & direct your outlook
is the same force that allows you to shape & determine your character."
There's so much to this self improvement/self control stuff.
It isn't just about making better choices, although that has a lot to do with it.
It's about discovering that internal power, that force, that strength
and learning how to use it. For the best possible outcome.
Everyone has that internal power, but they either don't believe in it,
don't know how to use it, or they abuse it.
I'm finding it more and more every day. It has always been there.
I just never saw it and nobody told me I had it in me.
Nobody believed in me that much. I mean maybe a few people here and there
saw that I had a bit of potential, but I didn't even realize that I had any.
With al kinds of people shoving me into a box I never belonged in,
I never got to see what was outside of that box.
I didn't get to see my own potential. I didn't get to see any possibilities.
I didn't get to see anything to the contrary of the 'evidence'
that this was all there was. It's not. Not by a f*cking long shot.
And it is a good feeling to know
that there's so much more to life that what I thought there was.
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