Canvassing

Someone is running for trustee for the school board, for special needs.
He asked me to help him with his campaign today.
So I went and put flyers in mailboxes.
Just got home, actually. Not feeling my best. Got a huge headache.
Also, neck problems again. Need a nap or something.

Been thinking a lot about some stuff. Mainly addiction.
Been addicted to a certain way of thinking, of living, of being.
It wasn't just the alcohol, that was a symptom of bigger issues.
I used it to 'cope' with other sh*t. It was just masking it.
It never helped me solve anything.
"We can't solve our problems
with the same thinking that we used to create them."

After canvassing, I went to get a coffee.
On my way to the coffee shop, there was a sign in the window of a shop.
It had a bunch of writing on it. About loving icecream and stuff,
but there was a part that said:
"Look closer, think further. You know what I mean."
And "Eat your icecream with mice AND rats."

I get that it is hard to break an addiction. Any addiction.
I was addicted to drugs, alcohol, certain ways of thinking...
It turns out that I didn't have to be and didn't need those things.
But at the time, I thought and believed that I did.
I couldn't imagine my life without them.
Just like I can't imagine my life on the other side of the transformation
that I've been going through.
All that I know is my life will look a lot different than it is.
Just as my life looks a lot different than it did.
And that I have to be comfortable with the uncertainty.
Because nothing is certain anyway.
We can't be absolutely sure of anything.

Today a neighbor was being nosey.
She was asking some personal questions
and I told her that I didn't want to talk about it.
She had no right to ask me. None of her business.
If I wanted everyone to know about that part of my life,
I'd stand on the rooftop and scream it at the world.
I don't get how people who don't know me personally
think it is okay to pry into my life. It's not.
At least I didn't tell her to f*ck off. I wanted to, though. I could have.
People don't and won't understand what others are going through.
They also don't and won't understand that it is none of their business.
Anyway, it is okay to tell people that you don't want to talk about stuff.
If they don't understand why, that is not your problem.

Today is just one of those days...
It can get better. It's just that it is grey and cold.
And a lot of times, I just want to stay at home. Away from the prying.
Away from people not 'getting it.' Away from ignorance.
But I can't always hide from it. Or run from it. Or remove myself from it.
I just don't have to talk about things that I don't want to talk about.
Just because someone who doesn't know me wants to know.
Chances are they just want to know so they can talk about me.
To other people who don't know me.
To other people who don't 'get it.'
They can talk all they want about things and people they'll never understand.
I'd rather talk about other things, deeper things, things that actually matter.
Things that lead to other things that matter.

I guess it is kinda funny that the things I thought mattered, actually don't.
And they never did, but they used to matter to me.
There will be people on that level. Who stay on that level.
Who won't be able to level with me.
Who I have to try to explain certain things to and they still won't understand.
Because, to understand those things, they'd have to be on another level.
Not that it is all their fault, but people can choose to wake up.
They can choose to look at themselves, their actions, their lives
and see things that they haven't before.
Like how it is actually rude to ask certain things
about people they have no connection with at all.
Why? So you can judge me? So you and all your friends can judge me?
Go for it. Judge the f*ck out of me. See if I care. I don't.
Because at the end of the day, their judgments and opinions change nothing.
All they are, are judgments and opinions that say nothing about me
and say everything about them. I don't have those needs. Or desires.
To judge and criticize everyone and everything.
I used to judge and criticize, but it is useless. A waste of time and energy.

Even the needs and desires I have... I don't actually need those things.
Things are just things. No matter what they are. They do not matter.
What matters is letting go of the bullsh*t. It has no use.
Other than to realize that it is bullsh*t and to choose to let it go.
That is the only use that I feel that it has.
If people want to hold onto it and keep filling their lives with it,
then who the f*ck am I to tell them not to?
They can hold onto and fill their lives with whatever the f*ck they want.
If it matters that much to them, then it matters to them. It doesn't to me.
The things that used to matter to me, don't anymore.
Guaranteed, they probably don't matter to other people.
The things that matter to me now, might not matter to other people. It's okay.
What matters to me doesn't have to matter to anyone.
What matters to them doesn't have to matter to me.
Doesn't have to matter to you, either. You choose what matters to you.
And I mean what TRULY matters to you. You decide.
You don't have to let everyone decide for you.
They don't know what is best for you.
They probably don't even know you and you don't owe them f*ck all.
But you owe it to yourself to decide for yourself.