Either Way

Sometimes I get signs that I see and I love that.
Sometimes I don't see them because I'm not in the right head space.
When I get tired, I get cranky.
When I get cranky, it's really hard to focus
on trying to think positively and all that other jazz.
Some say that trying is the issue.
It's either do or do not, there is no 'try.'
I disagree. There is a try, in my mind.
Because we don't have expertise in everything.
So we give it a shot without any expected outcome.
See if I succeed, see if I fail. That is trial and error.
You have to try something to see if you like it.
How can you say you don't like something if you haven't tried it?
Well in some instances, I can see how someone can say it,
but it isn't my point.

Anyway, on my way home from my mother's,
I pass a statue of Sri Chinmoy.
Outside a dry cleaner place. Of all places.
Every time I pass it, I feel this tug,
like "You haven't checked me out, yet."
"What's taking you so long?"
Across the street from the statue is a star on the sidewalk
with Joni Mitchell's name in it.
Then I see more signs with certain words or phrases.
I'm going to write about those another night.

I know that I'm sounding crazy
like someone who swears they get special messages from the t.v
or something. Or has to wear a tin foil hat or whatever.
I know most people just call everything coincidental.
I think there is much more to life than a succession of coincidences.
There are reasons for everything in the grand scheme of things.
Little things lead to other things.
Big things lead to other thing.
Things lead to other things. Cause and effect.

Even all my stupid mistakes have lead to other things.
How would my life have turned out if I didn't screw up?
Or was I meant to screw up to take a certain path
that lead me in this direction?
Would I have ever quit drinking had my life stayed the same?
Would I have ever quit smoking?
Would I have ever accepted being single?
Would I have ever gotten into spirituality?
And I don't know what else my life has in store for me.
I never thought I'd travel in a plane. I did.
I wasn't sure if I was ever going to see the ocean. I did.
There are probably more surprises in store for me.
I want to feel excited about that.
It's a rare feeling for me now. Feeling excited.
I like it. I'm happy when I'm excited.
When I'm really looking forward to something.
But I don't feel like that very often,
even when I do, it doesn't last very long.
I'm not sure why it's hard for me to feel like that.
Is it because I don't let myself get excited anymore?
Because of all the disappointments I have had in my life?
I think it has to do with when I was a kid
and I was excited and happy that my father was going to come get me
to spend time with me on the weekends,
and then I'd wait for him all day, only to find out he wasn't coming...
I guess part of me wants to protect my emotions
because the higher you are, the harder you fall.
Something like that.
So I stay neutral and don't allow myself to get excited.
Even though there are things to be excited about.

Maybe I ran into that statue all these times,
because maybe there's something I'm supposed to learn
from Sri Chinmoy.

There are lots to learn from my experiences.
I'm finding more and more reasons to practice "no judgement."
There was a guy I passed who asked me for money.
I had no money. I had some food. I offered him some.
He stepped back, and turned his head so he didn't even look at me.
When he could have simply said "No, thank you."
I felt insulted. I said "Fine. This is all I have to offer you."
Again, he ignored me. So I just walked away. 
I could have thrown the food at him for being rude to me.
I could have cussed him out or punched him in the face.
People have all kinds of reactions to being insulted.
Or perceiving being insulted.
Maybe he felt insulted that I offered him food
when he had asked me for money.
But maybe he wanted the money for drugs or booze.
And maybe if I wanted my money to be spent on drugs or booze,
I'd just go buy drugs or booze.
Or maybe I can just say "No judgement"
and that releases any effect he has on me at all.
Eventually, I'll forget all about that guy. He'll forget about me.
Maybe if I threw the food at him, he wouldn't have.
Maybe he would have learned not to be so ignorant.
But people don't often connect the dots...
"If I hadn't been ignorant to her,
maybe she wouldn't have thrown the food at me."
Some people don't learn. Ever. Because they don't want to.
And to that... "No judgement."
I find chances to practice it all the time. Every day.
Sometimes it is hard when I've built up momentum on something.
Like when I've already started commenting on something.
But I can stop before I make the comment, now.

I used to date someone who was really cynical and depressed.
Which didn't help because he couldn't see that I had depression,
because he had it and couldn't see past his own problems
to realize I had problems...
Anyway, he'd judge people all the time and make comments about them,
just loud enough or close enough for the person to hear it,
then he'd laugh about it to me.
I was embarrassed. It embarrassed me every time.
There wasn't a need for it
and I wished he would just stop judging everyone.
Or if he couldn't, that he'd keep it to himself.
For all I know, this person is still like this, and will never change.
But, it isn't up to me to 'teach' people a 'lesson'
in how they 'should' 'act' or 'be'.
It would be nice if I could somehow influence them to be a better person.
But what even constitutes 'better'?
It's really hard for me to accept certain things about people.
Just as it is probably pretty hard for them to accept certain things about me.
But I don't have to let that resistance create bigger issues for me.
What we resist persists.

Like when I used to have really bad acne, like horrendous acne...
It was so bad people used to actually come up to me and ask
"What happened to your face?!"
Which, yes, is rude to say to people.
The acne itself was bad enough. I was really depressed over it.
I knew that eventually it would go away and it did.
But when I accepted that it was what it was,
it started clearing up.
That, and I ended an extremely stressful relationship.
But I could have had a number of reactions to
"What happened to your face?!"
Because it's rude to say and you don't go around saying that to people.
Even my step-father said it to me once.
And I told him that lots of people were saying that to me.
And that I could understand it from kids, but not from adults.
Most of them were adults. Only one kid ever asked me that.
I didn't get mad at the kid, I just told him I had acne.
It wasn't regular acne. It was cystic acne. Which is so much worse.
Maybe they were used to seeing regular acne
and the cystic acne was new to them.
Either way, it's rude to ask someone that, in that way.
It's like asking "What's wrong with you?!"

But yeah, people will judge someone for ANYTHING.
How they look, how they act, what they lack, any weaknesses,
where they come from, their skin, their complexion,
their family, their history, their lifestyle, their job,
ANYTHING and EVERYTHING
when these things are only conditions or states that they are in
at some point in their lives.
It doesn't say anything about who they are as a person.
But who are we judging? The person
BASED on the condition or the state the person has or is in.
And we don't judge ourselves for judging.
We only judge OTHERS for judging.
Why is that? Is it only acceptable if we are the judges?
Actually, it's not. But according to society, it is.
Because everyone in this society
has certain 'values' and 'norms'
Whatever doesn't fit gets judged negatively.
Whoever doesn't fit gets judged negatively.
And we are supposed to 'accept' that.
It doesn't seem to serve a purpose.
Maybe it does. Maybe people are basing their worth
On how much 'value' they have based on what they have.
Or based on how everyone else sees them.
If society says you're worthy, then you're worthy.
I say "f*ck that." When I could say "No judgement."
And not even waste my time judging society.
Even though I could and just did.
Or I could just say,
"Although things could be better,
I don't have to let any of it affect me."

I can say, "I have worth as a person,
despite anyone's opinions of me,
of my life, of what I have and don't have,
what I look like, etc."
Everyone does. Whether they believe it or not.
It's not up to me or anyone to show them proof.
They either believe it or don't.
They either want to believe it or don't.
They either allow the opinions of others to affect them,
or they don't.

I can name a bunch of people who don't think highly of me.
I used to let that really get to me. It really bothered me.
I wanted everyone to see me the way I see myself,
but not everyone knows me like I know myself.
Even people who think they know me, really don't.
Just like the people I think I know, I really don't.
We are the only people who will ever know us inside and out.

People can look at my mistakes and judge me based on those.
Which they often do. I have to accept that,
but not only accept that, but I have to move past that.
I have to be comfortable with myself...
Despite what anyone thinks of me.
Because I am a different person than I was
when I made those mistakes.
I have to be comfortable with myself
or I will start believing that everyone is right about me.
They aren't. They don't know me.
Even if they knew me then, do they know me now?
Yet, they can still judge me based on situations I didn't handle well.
Stupid things I wish I hadn't done.
Stupid things I wish I hadn't said etc.
I can even judge myself based on those things.
In another ten years, I'll be different from how I am today.
And I'm different today, than I was ten years ago.
But who would even see that? Who would know? They don't.
They only know what I can show and even then...
There are some people I don't get to show anything to.
They only see what they want to see
and they don't want to see any more than they've already seen.
And that... I can just accept that. And then move on.
While still trying to feel comfortable with myself,
how I am. Knowing how far I've already come,
how far I have still yet to go,
and how far I can and will go.
Maybe one day they'll see me, maybe they'll only see what they want to.
Or maybe they'll just never see me again.
Either way, it doesn't have to affect me so deeply,
like I used to let it.