Here's to July

July always starts off with Canada Day, which was yesterday.
I wasn't feeling the greatest and I end up sad on Canada Day
with nobody to celebrate with. I didn't do anything for Canada Day.
Just stayed home and crocheted, which I could do any day.
Been going to bed early now, finally. Waking up early, again, too.
Which is what I wanted for months now.
Not sure how I was able to do it. It was pretty hard.
I know some people might think:
"Why didn't you celebrate Canada on Canada Day?"
Well, I can celebrate being Canadian on any day of the year.
Why do I need a specific day to be patriotic?
Most people only celebrate being Canadian on Canada Day.
Every other day is just every other day.

Besides, this month, I'll be going back to B.C
and I'll get to see some of Canada that I haven't gotten to see,
and might not see again for a very long time.
I've kept it a secret from a lot of people I know
because they'll all have their opinions about my trip,
but in the end, it only matters what I think and feel about it.
It is my life after all and I have to live it, have some new experiences.
Also, the same people who will nay say won't have anything positive to say,
and won't listen to what I think or how I feel about anything.
They always do their own thing and don't involve me,
so they aren't involved in my life.

I'm hoping for some better weather and an overall positive experience.
It might be what I need since this year hasn't been very great so far.
It started off great, but there have been setbacks
that I haven't been able to fully recover from.
I know that I shouldn't condition my feelings and emotions
based on things that I can't change or any circumstances.
Because circumstances are conditional.
and I don't have to condition myself or my emotional responses.
Easier said than done, though.
I haven't been able to raise my vibrations very high,
or high enough to get out of this funk I've been in.
Partly to do with some emotional stuff, and physical stuff.
Just hard to respond to things that hurt.
In a way that makes the pain inconsequential.
Despite the pain.

People might see someone who refuses to react a way
that anyone else might, to the degree that anyone else might
and think that they do not care, at all.
There is caring, there is showing that you care,
and then there is not caring TOO much.
I do care, or else it wouldn't hurt.
But there is only so much I can do about other people,
and what other people think.
Which isn't my business to begin with
and shouldn't affect me the way people think it should.
Because that is what they want, for me to lament
for the rest of my life, if possible.
So I lock myself away and refuse to be a member of the world.
So that I die slowly and painfully
only because they want me to feel guilty and ashamed
of mistakes I made in the past.
Without forgiving me or anyone, ever.
So they can keep their reasons to hate me.
They want me to hate myself, too.

But I am working on forgiveness. For them and for me.
So that I don't have to keep feeling this way, forever.
I know that I want to be there, involved.
And that should be enough, for now.
People should accept their part in it, too,
and not just put it all on me.
Anything is possible. Even for them to realize a thing or two.
I can only hope that they do, one day.
I can't force anyone to change their minds about me.
I just have to live my life. With the people who want to be in it.
Otherwise, I'll just have to figure out how to be happy by myself.
Without their approval, acceptance, or forgiveness.
Despite everything, even the way I have been feeling all year.
Despite emptiness, loneliness, all of that.

If we want to change ourselves and our lives,
we have to start by changing the way we think.
Our thoughts are conditioned our minds are conditioned.
By the expectations of society.
We don't have to expect what society expects us to expect.
Neither do I. Neither do you.
We can choose. We have choices.
More choices than we've been taught (by society) that we have.
Personal choices that lead to personal freedom.
Depends on what we choose.
We can choose freedom or imprisonment.
It's up to us to decide and make the choices
that lead us in either direction.

We can't be close to people by pushing them away.
We can't gain control by losing it.
There are many things like this that people just fail to learn.
Sometimes I want to be close to people,
but most of the time I am alone.
Sometimes by choice, sometimes not.
There are times I want to be alone,
and times I'd rather not be alone.
Sometimes I want to be close to people
who don't want to have me in their lives.
Otherwise, they would, wouldn't they?

So I spend my days trying to fill them with things
that hopefully help me to feel better.
Even though I know that my feeling better
shouldn't depend on anything other than my own thoughts.
It's just easier to think the way I've always thought
about myself and how my life has turned out (so far)
rather than thinking about how I could be and how life could be.
About how I could feel and try to just feel that way
despite anything going on right now.
Which is hard to do when I've been so conditioned all my life.
To feel this way because a) b) c) and d)...
x) y) and z)...

Anyway, it's all linked to things I have already written.
I just have to start over again.
Sometimes I feel like I have no choice,
other times I feel like I have lots of choices.
I'd rather feel hopeful than hopeless.