Judgement is a Choice

One thing that I was working on was being less judgemental.
It would be good to be completely non-judgemental, but it takes years,
probably even a lifetime. I've been pretty judgemental in my life.
Not because I wanted to be or even saw a need to be.
It was more habitual thinking/thoughts.
People can make judgements without even realising they are doing it.
Unconsciously or subconsciously.
The first step is to be aware.
Aware that the judgement is a judgement.
And that making that judgement is a choice.
I keep saying that we have more choices than we realize.
Choosing what to think and even how to think.
Each thought could be a chosen thought.
Instead of random thoughts that come into your mind.
So many people have random, automatic thoughts.
Instead of actively directing their minds to focus on something
that they choose to focus on.

Anyway, I may as well get to the point of this.
For a long time, I have been making judgements about my family.
Judging them for being uninvolved. Or for the things they do.

For instance... Lately, it is bothering me that my cousin went
to Niagara Falls to see our Great-Aunt.
Because it seems out of character for her.
I have been questioning her motives.
Because:

1) She has not had anything to do with our Great-Aunt, ever.
2) My Great-Aunt does not know her.
3) I had told one of my Aunts (not the mother of this cousin)
that I was going to Niagara Falls to see our Great-Aunt, again.

So my automatic thoughts are:

1) You never bothered visiting your grandmother in the hospital
when she was dying.

2) You never bothered visiting or calling your grandmother
while she was alive.

3) Why go visit a relative you never met before,
all of a sudden show an interest?

Did my Aunt put her up to it? Or was it her idea?
Why choose to just randomly go for a visit before my visit?

So these are the judgemental questions and thoughts going through my mind.
About my cousin who I do not have much to do with, at all.
It would be nice not to think like this about my own family.
But WHY now after all these years of not trying, not caring,
not showing any interest whatsoever?

I feel like it is a choice how I handle it.
Because I get to decide how to look at it.

I could be happy that she is finally showing an interest.
Regardless of her motives/intentions.
Regardless of how suspicious I am.

I keep wondering if my family realizes that I do actually care.
That I don't do the things I do because I want to make myself look good.
I never cared about making myself look good to them or anyone.
That I have done things I wanted to do just because I wanted to do them.
Never because I felt I HAD to do anything. Because I didn't have to.
I keep thinking that they think I've been faking all this time.
And that they will never see the good in me.
I'm not all good, of course. I have my faults.
But when people need me, I am there, if I can be.
Even when it is hard, or unpleasant, or somehow inconveniences me.
Not because I have to be, but because I should be.
I've always had this sense of responsibility. From an early age.
Wanting to do the right thing, over the easier/easiest thing.
I can't say I've always taken the right path, or made the right decisions...
I guess what I mean is that with family,
I've always felt a responsibility to be loyal and faithful to them.
Unless they never had much to do with me from the beginning.
Because family is really important to me. Always has been, always will be.

But my family on the other hand...
Jell-O may as well be thicker than water, than blood.
This is why it has been bothering me so much.
It is so unlike her to do that. To go out of her way.
Like you can go over 10 hours away, but not 2 hours away to the hospital?
Or even pick up the phone?

I guess I just had to get it out...
Again, these are the thoughts that automatically come to my mind.
Because of the judgements I previously had about my family.
That they should have been more involved with my Grandmother
while she was still alive and particularly while she was dying.

It would be easier, mentally and emotionally,
not to think the worst and judge people on what they are not doing
that they should have done or should be doing.
Their lives are none of my business.
My life is non of their business, even though they want to know about me.
If they want to know so badly, why don't they ask me?
While I was on facebook, they had the chance to contact me.
They never did. So why is my life any more interesting now?
Only because I'm no longer on facebook and they have to resort to gossip?

I know I shouldn't think these things. I don't even want to think like this.
I actually hate thinking like that.
They judge me on the things I do,
I judge them on what they didn't/don't do.
I'd like to be the one who just stops judging them.
Even stops judging them for judging me.

But of course all these automatic thoughts start up,
and not only that, but they cement themselves because they repeat.
These are the kinds of thoughts I have multiple times a day
for long periods of time.

Does it matter that they had little to nothing to do with my Grandmother?
And didn't even take the last chance they had to make things right with her?
To me, it does. To them, it obviously doesn't. To her, it did.
But why does it matter so much to me?
Because I knew it mattered to her. So much.
Why does it still matter to me? I feel like it should have mattered to them.
It bothers me to feel like it should have mattered to them, because it didn't.
And they can't see why it should have mattered.
And they can't see why it mattered to me.
And they can't see why it mattered to her.
They can't see that they can't see it.
It is sad, it bothers me.

But it is not my responsibility to get them to see that.
It is only my responsibility to see that for myself.
My responsibility to be able to respond. Be responsive.
Build relationships with family members
who try to build a relationship with me.
Forgive the ones who are not able to build relationships.
When there is zero communication, there is zero relationship.

A relationship I am building at the moment has been a work in progress.
Which all relationships are. They require effort, and time, restraint, respect... Etc.
I guess another word instead of restraint could be Patience. Forgiveness, too.

However, there has been a disconnect with some friends sometimes.
I think about them, that is for sure. I'm always thinking of them.
But I know I could be and should be putting more effort into other relationships.
Life is that balancing thing where we have to put pieces of ourselves out there,
sometimes, not all the time, but not too seldom.

Sometimes 'too much time' goes by without any contact.
Then I feel guilty and awkward at the same time. Ever feel that?
It is not that I didn't want to make the time, just time flies.
But I'll still think about my friends while they are living their lives.
I will wonder what they are up to and how they are doing.
Sometimes that makes me call or write.
Or I will be 'meaning to' call or write.
But 'meaning to' usually kicks my butt into doing it.
Whereas a lot of people wouldn't feel guilt about not doing it.

But who am I to judge? I should ask myself this more often.
Who am I to judge my family? Or anyone?
I am not perfect. I don't always do what I ought to do.
Not because I have to, because I ought to.
Who are they to judge me?
What is the purpose of judgement?
To compare? To compete?
Why do I feel the need to defend myself against their judgement of me?
Their thoughts/feelings/motives/lives are none of my business.
My thoughts/feelings/motives/life is none of their business.

Would people be less judgemental if they just minded their own business?
Is it really just that simple?
It is hard to stop making judgements when you have for the majority of your life.
People in your life have influences over you.
Influences over how you see the world,
what you think about the world.
How you see yourself in the word. How you see others.
How you treat others. Based on how you see others?
Or based on how other people in your environment treat each other...

All these socio/bio reactions.
Anyway, my point is it is a choice.
Thoughts can be chosen. Reactions can be chosen.
We don't have to react with a judgement if we choose not to.
Judgements (for me) have lead to negative/twisted thinking.
Making things that don't and shouldn't matter, matter way more than they should.
Then focusing on those things for long periods of time.
Rather than focusing on something beneficial or at least productive.

This is why I would just rather not think like that.
Because I know it is a waste of time. Time I can't get back.
Besides, there are better things to think about.

I know the importance of directing your mind,
mine is just so full of garbage, at the moment.
Years of thinking thoughts like those.
Letting my mind wander around with those thoughts...
Making my mistakes.
Mostly because my head is polluted. With a city dump worth of garbage.
At least I can be happy to realize this.
And to realize that there is an alternative.