One More

I know I'm going to be thinking about this for a long time.
Probably for several years. Maybe the rest of my life.
I will get over it. I will get over the hurt.
I was over it. I thought I was.
I had been thinking about him lately.
I met someone who reminds me of him a little bit.
Would I have still seen him if I hadn't been thinking about him?
Did thinking about him make it so I did see him?
I thought about a few things. About why I can't leave this city.
Why sometimes I feel comfortable here.
Why sometimes I feel uncomfortable here.
Why those feelings just don't seem to want to go away.
No matter what changes I make to myself and to my life.
Those feelings still remain intact and no matter how badly
I want to shake it off and pretend that it doesn't affect me.
The truth is that it does. I feel like now I have to keep even busier than I was.
So I can stop thinking and stop feeling. I don't have alcohol to drown it out anymore.
I don't have drugs. I don't have anything except work, work, work.
To use to my advantage. To help me cope. To help ease the suffering from the past
The past that keeps being brought into the present.
I don't know why I had to see him today.
Why I had to see him at all.
It could have been a chance to say something. But I can't say anything.
I tried to. There is nothing I can do. Nothing I can say.
It's over. Maybe for the better. Probably for the better.
Because now I have new people in my life.
People I can count on. People who care. At least, I think they care.
I wish this was just some dream I could wake up from
and feel relieved that it never happened. But it's not.
The past keeps coming up until we come to terms with the unresolved.
I haven't resolved my feelings about what happened.
I haven't resolved my feelings that I had for him.
I haven't faced any of it, because it hurts too much.
There is no running away. I wanted to get off that bus. I stayed on the bus.
Knowing he was on the same bus. And that I couldn't say anything to him.
I couldn't tell him what I thought or how I felt.
I couldn't tell him that I'm not the same person as I was a year ago.
Alcohol wasn't the only thing that I let go of. But there is more.
More to let go of. The past. Him. All of it.
I'd feel so much better if I just never thought about it again.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
I'm going to get through this. Just as I got through the initial pain last year.
Because I'm a lot stronger than people know. I'm resilient.
I keep breaking and breaking, taking and taking it.
Only to bounce right back. Only to come back stronger.