Only a few days left. I've been waiting so long. We all have been.
This winter has been one of the longest and loneliest winters of my life.
I still find it hard to talk about what I'm holding in.
Because... Who would understand? Who would listen? Who would care?
I've always been the understanding one.
I've always been the listener.
I've always been the one who cares.
There isn't anyone in my life to be that person for me.
They are gone. I've lost many people. For lots of reasons.
Some have even lost me. As loyal as I have been over the years.
I believe in loyalty. I guess there's a such thing as being too loyal.
Or being loyal to the wrong people. Who don't deserve it.
Who aren't loyal to me. And yet still expect me to be.
I've surprised some people. They thought they knew me. They thought wrong.
I thought I knew them. I thought wrong. People change.
And sometimes they never were who we thought they were.
It can be a disappointment that is really hard to adjust to.
Especially when we've invested so much into that person.
Years can go by before they finally reveal their true colours.
But... It can be a blessing in disguise....
Because at least we find out. Maybe a bit too late, but at least we find out.
I usually find out the hard way. So this time I'm being careful.
Before... I wanted something so badly that I didn't care to see the warning signs.
They were all there. Flashing lights and alarm bells. But I closed my eyes and ears to them.
Until they got too bright and too loud to ignore. And sometimes even then...
I'd let my heart rule over my head. Knowing one thing, and feeling something else.
Just like the last time. I know he's already moved on, the guy before him probably has too...
Probably all the guys I've ever dated. Except for maybe one...
Hard to tell if he ever truly loved me. He knew what I wanted.
Still no excuse for how things ended. But I think in lots of ways and for lots of reasons it had to end.
Spring is around the corner and there's going to be lots of changes coming up.
Lots of opportunities. New beginnings.
I guess that one thing is always going to be at the back of my mind.
I haven't ever stopped wanting it. I just realize that wanting it as much as I used to hurt too much.
There's so much for me to do, to see, to be a part of. It's okay if it doesn't happen.
I guess what has gotten me thinking about it again... (I hadn't for a long time)
Is that my best friend started dating again. I'm not jealous of the girl he's dating.
I just keep thinking that it'd be nice if I could just get one real date for once.
It's been a really long time since I've been on a real date.
Of course I'll keep waiting, like I have been. Not like I have much of a choice but to wait.
Even though... I hate waiting. I hate it. I've waited a really long time already.
Something tells me that it's going to be a really long time... REALLY long.
But, like I say. I have no choice. So I may as well continue what I've been doing. Waiting. FOREVER. AND EVER... And ever.... Hopefully, this time, it'll be worth the wait.
This winter has been one of the longest and loneliest winters of my life.
I still find it hard to talk about what I'm holding in.
Because... Who would understand? Who would listen? Who would care?
I've always been the understanding one.
I've always been the listener.
I've always been the one who cares.
There isn't anyone in my life to be that person for me.
They are gone. I've lost many people. For lots of reasons.
Some have even lost me. As loyal as I have been over the years.
I believe in loyalty. I guess there's a such thing as being too loyal.
Or being loyal to the wrong people. Who don't deserve it.
Who aren't loyal to me. And yet still expect me to be.
I've surprised some people. They thought they knew me. They thought wrong.
I thought I knew them. I thought wrong. People change.
And sometimes they never were who we thought they were.
It can be a disappointment that is really hard to adjust to.
Especially when we've invested so much into that person.
Years can go by before they finally reveal their true colours.
But... It can be a blessing in disguise....
Because at least we find out. Maybe a bit too late, but at least we find out.
I usually find out the hard way. So this time I'm being careful.
Before... I wanted something so badly that I didn't care to see the warning signs.
They were all there. Flashing lights and alarm bells. But I closed my eyes and ears to them.
Until they got too bright and too loud to ignore. And sometimes even then...
I'd let my heart rule over my head. Knowing one thing, and feeling something else.
Just like the last time. I know he's already moved on, the guy before him probably has too...
Probably all the guys I've ever dated. Except for maybe one...
Hard to tell if he ever truly loved me. He knew what I wanted.
Still no excuse for how things ended. But I think in lots of ways and for lots of reasons it had to end.
Spring is around the corner and there's going to be lots of changes coming up.
Lots of opportunities. New beginnings.
I guess that one thing is always going to be at the back of my mind.
I haven't ever stopped wanting it. I just realize that wanting it as much as I used to hurt too much.
There's so much for me to do, to see, to be a part of. It's okay if it doesn't happen.
I guess what has gotten me thinking about it again... (I hadn't for a long time)
Is that my best friend started dating again. I'm not jealous of the girl he's dating.
I just keep thinking that it'd be nice if I could just get one real date for once.
It's been a really long time since I've been on a real date.
Of course I'll keep waiting, like I have been. Not like I have much of a choice but to wait.
Even though... I hate waiting. I hate it. I've waited a really long time already.
Something tells me that it's going to be a really long time... REALLY long.
But, like I say. I have no choice. So I may as well continue what I've been doing. Waiting. FOREVER. AND EVER... And ever.... Hopefully, this time, it'll be worth the wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment