In Hindsight

So much was up in the air. I didn't know what to do. Still don't.
Things are still far from clear. It's a waiting game. Except it's not a game.
This is my life.
I thought things were finally coming to a close and they did,
but in a way I never expected.
But I have to deal with it and move on. I know what I'm supposed to do.
I have to push myself in that direction. I have to let go, and just move forward.
However hard it is.
My timing has always been bad, but never like this.
Maybe everything that has happened...
Happened for a reason. Still, I don't know.
I just have this sinking feeling today.
Is it because I'm changing? Is it because things are changing?
For the better? For the worse?
I don't know anymore.... Did I ever really know? I can't see into the future.

It's hard knowing where I'm supposed to be,
but getting knocked so far off course that I feel lost.
I see that light shining in the distance, through the fog,
but I can't see how to get there.
I know that once I'm there, these feelings will be of the past.
I have felt this way lots of times. I should be used to it by now.
Why is it still so hard?
Why do I still feel like this? It's brought up some stronger feelings.
I've felt like this before, but this time it's different. I really don't like it.
But I can't just run away from it. I have to face it.
I'm done running away. Even if I chose to run away,
there isn't anywhere to run to. I know this.
Is knowing there isn't anywhere to run away to the reason that I chose not to?
No, there's more to it. Running is what cowards do.

I'm stronger than everyone thinks I am.
I'm not like what they think I am, not at all. I'm still afraid,
but I can't run, I can't hide.
Run from what? Hide from what? The pain? It found me anyway and it hurts.
It hurts a lot more than I thought it would.
There isn't anything I can do about it.
It is what it is. It isn't what it isn't. It just is and it just isn't. It's real. Too real.
Maybe it's just me in panic mode.
Not knowing what to do next, but knowing I have to do something.

Yes, I have to do something. Face it, take it, accept it. Move on. Somehow.
Whatever that even looks like. Courage is being afraid, but doing it anyway.

What am I afraid of?
I'm afraid that it'll take too long to move on. That I won't be able to recover.
I have recovered from things like this before.
I should even expect things like this to happen,
and to keep happening. I'm doomed in that aspect of life.
No matter what I do, no matter how I try,
it's just the way it is. I have to accept that, too.
I have to accept that there are reasons why things happened the way they did.
I keep thinking that every bad thing that happens is because I did something wrong.
Maybe the things that would have happened
had the bad thing not happened were wrong.
Maybe worse things could have happened.
Like some sort of blessing in disguise.

I had good intentions. I wanted to be happy.
Maybe the time for my happiness isn't now.
Maybe a few years from now when I get things sorted through...
When I'm able to look back and think that it wasn't as bad as I think it is.
I only think it's bad now because I feel bad. Really bad.

My thoughts affect my feelings and my feelings affect my thoughts
Circumstances affect my thoughts and feelings (affecting each other)
But I am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings.
I am not my circumstances.
I am the one who has to decide what to do now.
I have to do something.
I've always wanted to do the right thing.
My heart has always been in the right place.
But I have often caught myself in the wrong place, at the wrong time.